Why isn’t Yosemite pronounced like Vegemite?
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Me: Can you think of anything else I should add to the cart?
Husband: Nope. You’ve got it all.
Me: <send>
Husband: Oh, you know what else we could use —
[speed dating, today]
him: hi I’m Steve, nice to meet you!
*her, sat like 12ft away*: what?
Steve: what?
Politics top tip: Gain people’s trust by telling them that everyone is lying to them.
I like my wedding soup made with real bickering.
Words I say when I sing along to Informer by Snow:
Informer
CDC: To prevent coronavirus stay home, avoid physical contact and don’t go into large crowds.
Introverts: I’ve been preparing for this moment my entire life.
Why did they call it bacon fat and not oinkment omg I’m so sorry
Eating wings is the opposite of flying
I’m sorry you had a bad experience at our restaurant. To make it up to you, here is a coupon for more of our terrible, terrible food.
Squirrels: 1,538
My dogs: -17
Security Guard: Can I see your ID card?
Me: *flashes card quickly*
SG: Show me your card again.
Me: Bit weird, but OK… *flashes cardigan*
Based on all of my exes I would have to say that Cupid has a wicked sense of humor.
*sitting bolt upright out of a dead sleep*
PANTS MADE OUT OF EGGPLANTS CALLED AUBERJEANS
Mr. Trump, who’s your Secretary of State?
TRUMP: To deal with China, one that speaks Mandarin [remembers to appeal to women] or Womandarin
When Dr. Seuss wrote, “Oh, The Places You’ll Go,” he did not consider how comfortable my couch would be.
In a physio waiting room amongst athletes comparing their stories.
I can’t wait until my turn when I tell them I slept wrong on my pillow.
this can’t be the same pay my coworkers are raising 3 kids with 🥲
airports are so funny. like “oh you’re flying across the country? would you like to hang out in a mall first”
I’m a parent, so if another grownup tells me “we’ll see” or “maybe” I know the answer is no
Olive Garden would be a beautiful name for a baby though
“you’re too polite”
I am not
[two weeks earlier while my house is being robbed] sorry he doesn’t usually bark at strangers
My favorite thing about decorative towels is how you’re not allowed to use them.
Because nothing says CLASS like useless towels.
I just tried to “Like” an email so I didn’t have to reply to it
My reality check bounced, guess I’ll have to stay insane for the time being
‘I know a black person’
– White people
The 2nd amendment gives us the right to bear arms and the 8th amendment gives us the right to horse legs
“can i smoke in here?”
“sure go ahead sir”
“thanks”
*lights scented candle*
“can i scatter rose petals in here?”
“erm-
“can i dim the lights
My cat sleeps next to her food bowl and it inspired me to move my bed to the kitchen
[extreme Judas Priest voice]
🎶 WASHING THE HANDS
WASHING THE HANDS 🎶
Angry like someone who’s gone three straight spoonfuls of raisin bran without getting a raisin.