Why it’s called a cellular membrane and not a gene-jacket I’ve no idea.
You Might Also Like
Ratatouille is my favorite movie based on a true story.
*Hands you a handbasket*
You know what to do…….
Noah’s flood = God clearing his browser history
Genie: You can’t have unlimited wishes.
Me: I wish for unlimited genies.
Genie: Son of a
11:30 – Sit on toilet, open Twitter.
11:54 – Try to stand, fall to floor with numb legs.
11:55 – Get comfortable on floor, open Twitter.
a person who understands others’ feelings but ignores them is an empathole
Police on bikes arresting someone:
“You’re under arrest. Get in the basket”
me: wow, i wish i had a life as simple as a dog. they never do anything except sit there and nap all day and they’re so content.
also me: *is on the third day in a row of watching netflix on the couch for 9 hours straight*
“Are you sexually active?”
No
“Any drug use?”
No
*doctor laughs, does the jerk off motion and leaves*
me: I had to sell my car to make rent this month
therapist: how does that make you feel
me: pretty tired I walk a lot
When my sister went into labour I was 13.
It was at 03, we shared a room. She woke me up saying, “I think I’m in labour.” I told her, “No you’re not go back to sleep.” Me, a 13 year old who knew nothing. Even her she listened . My mum was sooo pissed in the morning 💀
The real holiday hell happens after the gifts are unwrapped and it’s time to read instructions and assemble things.
you shouldn’t drink white wine with fish because they can’t hold the glass in their little fins
“After he ate the shrooms, Mario ate flowers and pretended he could shoot fireballs out of his hands.”
– Princess Peach, at Couples Therapy
Babe, I need $1000 to buy some crypto. This guy at the bowling alley explained how it works.
Pasta is very hard to eat when you’re a dog. I know this now.
Whenever a girl is talking too much, remind yourself that other thing she does with her mouth that you like so much. Might dull the pain 😉
“gravy is not a beverage.” ok well that’s why I was trying to drink it in the bathroom, so you wouldn’t see me
Her: oh my god i’m so wet
Me: have you tried putting it in rice?
The news
[Grandma’s funeral]
(Turning to friend) She knitted that whole coffin
Me: i knew you’d pull through
drug dealer: [passing vitamin gummies] just go to walgreens man
Being a mom in your 40s is putting a timer in your phone to remind yourself to be the tooth fairy.
axl rose is morphing more and more into elon musk and i am uncomfortable
“The first rule of Fight Club is: You do not talk-”
*Greg burps*
“-actually, you know what, Greg? It’s manners. The first rule is manners.”
Might get a little wild tonight and set the white noise machine to overheated laptop
Mixology students be like, “My mint leaf dissertation needs to slap.”