Why it’s called a cellular membrane and not a gene-jacket I’ve no idea.
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Oh sure, the continents get to drift forever and it’s “a natural geologic process” but when I do it I’m “wasting my potential.”
[At job interview]
Interviewer: So tell me why you want this job.
Me: I have no money and I prefer when I have money.
I taught my kid the importance of stop, drop and roll at an early age. Now he never blocks my view of the television.
KFC Cashier: I hope your family enjoys this 12 piece meal
Me: Family?
Hey, remember me from last night? You gave me the wrong number but I found you on Facebook. I’m on your porch. Can I come in?
I like my women like I like my ancient staircases, curvy and can send me straight to hell.
“Let’s take a couple dozen over-stimulated children and give them enough sugar to kill an elephant.” – inventor of the birthday party
ME: it’s time for bed
*3 ducks excitedly appear at my window*
ME: bed guys, B E D
*3 ducks dejectedly disappear from my window*
I hate cars with no Tint get me outta this water bottle 😡😡
If you fall asleep long enough the steering wheel gives you a pillow.
Wifi so slow at my parent’s house that we actually got to know each other better.
There should be guide dogs that prevent you from making bad decisions.
landlord: i’m raising your rent
me: am i getting more house
“Do you know why I pulled you over?”
“You thought I’d like your pretty lights?”
“Recite the alphabet backwards”
“I can’t even do that sober”
I’m filled with joy when I see the “baby on board” sign attached to the car in front of mine, but sadness washes over me when I realise the car is a hearse. Only when I notice that it’s being driven by a baby do I begin to have mixed feelings
I yell “5 second rule”when ever a girl sits on the ground.
The cranberries used to write songs that would get stuck in your head, in your heeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaad!
Me, at the edge of a cliff: HEEEEEEELP
My therapist:” EnjOy the mOment”
If homosexuals come out of the closet, do necrophiliacs come out of the casket?
Hollywood is done for – you might not believe me, but this is Al.
[blind date]
HER: I filled up on nuts
ME: I guess you bit off more than you… cashew
HER: Gesundheit
ME: I think I love you
Hurricane. It’s fine.
Broken foot. Still fine.
Anemic, arthritic, slow walking dog who refuses to go in the backyard so must be walked through nature’s hissy fit. Totally fine.
Coffee maker not working. EXTREMELY NOT FINE.
Wake me when AI does housework
Mike Pence getting booed at Hamilton is the worst thing to ever happen to a politician at a play
Most Unsafe Christmas Toys:
Fisher-Price My First Deep Fryer
LEGO Chewables
Nicotine Patch Dolls
Barbie’s Poorly Wired Dream House
ME: [backing into driveway]
WIFE: Where’s the car?
*yells up to treehouse*
me: what are you girls doin?
them: *yells back* chattin and braidin!
me: *climbing up* WAIT ARE THOSE BOY’S NAMES, I DON’T KNOW ANYMORE
[battle]
ME: It’s no good. We gotta quit
SARGE: Quit? I don’t know the meaning of the word
M: It means give up
S: Oh cool. Lets do that