Why it’s called a cellular membrane and not a gene-jacket I’ve no idea.
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FRIEND: hey while I’m on vacation can you come over and feed the cat?
ME:
FRIEND:
ME: to what?
All you guys crying about stepping on Legos, have you ever stepped on a Barbie shoe? Heel pointing up????
genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud
wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about getting a goat?
me [stops feeding the goat] You would have said no
Old joke:
Guy checks in at the airport and says: “I want this bag to go to Cleveland, this bag to go to Miami, and this bag to go to Las Vegas.”
Employee: “We can’t do that sir.”
Customer: “You did it last year.”
Just opened my water bill and my electricity bill at the same time…
I was shocked.
Sorry I’m late, I was waiving my hands at a paper towel dispenser that turned out to not be automatic.
Comcast Cable acquiring Time Warner Cable is a lot like your proctologist acquiring a bigger finger.
I once taught an 8 am college class. So many grandparents died that semester. I then moved my class to 3 pm. No more deaths. And that, my friends, is how I save lives.
Can someone call me right now? I’m at the dog park and my ringtone is a doorbell.
Cute guy: Can I pet your dog?
Me: (several blocks later) I have soft hair too. 🙁
20’s: need to look cool when I go out
30’s: need to look cool and be comfortable when I go out
40’s: need to be comfortable when I go out
50’s: I don’t need to go out
‘It’s finally happened,’ I say as my handwriting deteriorates to the point where I can’t read it. ‘I’ve become a doctor.’
I’m at the age where if people get pregnant I don’t know if it’s a good thing or not. like congratulations or sorry that happened
INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Make love not war.
2) Love is a battlefield.
3) You’re screwed.
[my last day as a transplant surgeon]
Oh, my bad! I thought you said “kid knees.”
Wife: I’m going to the store. Need anything?
Me: Get some uhhh [can’t remember the name Aquafresh] Neapolitan toothpaste
Imagine my surprise at the school Thanksgiving “costume” party, when I showed up as Poison Ivy and everyone else was dressed as pilgrims.
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: I brought a girl home last night
911: That’s not an-
Me: NOW SHE WON’T LEAVE!
*swat team busts down my door*
“Make him press 1 again.”
“Good.”
“Now, 3 minutes of silence.”
“He still there?”
“Give him 18 minutes of pan flute.”– Call Center Training
The wife is out of town so you know what that means. That’s right, unsupervised eating.
My ex was a true professional.she said “you are fired” when we broke up.
*sits*
This is nice.
*stands*
This is also pretty cool.
*lays down*
Oh okay this is my favorite.
Stop destroying the earth. This is where I keep all my stuff.
Never had a DUI, I always pee after sex
I want cake, to get cake I must get dressed, to get dressed I have to get out of bed, to get out of bed I need cake.
what the hell is this stain?
– a memoir
Police say a man was found lying dead on his couch and wrapped in a blanket. Apparently there were signs of a snuggle.
Back in the day there was no Emoji for laughter. We had to write it out, like some sort of scribe.
I had dreams. I wanted to be the heiress on the terrace. Instead I’m the grouch on the couch.