@VicFuture

Why its called ‘having your period’ and not ‘rolling out the red carpet ‘ I’ll never know.

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@Sarcasmo718

Nothing says “I’m unemployed” like wishing for snow on Facebook.

@Browtweaten

Daughter: He found a garter snake

Mom: Oh crap, if he names it he’ll want to keep-

Dad: *walking in the door* Welcome home, Hiss Pratt

Mom: Damn it

@Aikiwomannc

Me: Would you bring me the mattress cover off your bed?

Son: *looks puzzled* The what?

Me: The mattress cover. The quilted looking sheet.

Son:

Me: The final boss sheet at the bottom.

Son: Oh that.

@popcorn_dog

[First Date]

Her: I like old fashioned men

Me [trying to impress]: I’m sexist

@DaddysinCharge

Every time we take our dog to obedience school I can’t help but think about everything that we did wrong when we were training our kids.

@Tmoney68

A man played Justin Bieber to force an attacking bear to run off. He was treated for his injuries, then arrested for cruelty to animals.

@SimuLiu

If life gives you lemons, remember that they are the result of humans crossbreeding bitter oranges with citrons and do not occur naturally. Therefore life never gave you any lemons to begin with; we made them up.

@crownjuul

Heads up, cartwheels are my favorite thing to do hands down

@notmythirdrodeo

my kids: i can’t wait! we’re going to the beach! squee!

also my kids: ew! i hate sand! get it off of me!

@gerryhallcomedy

Sadly learned my family is racist. I started dating a black girl. Brought her home to meet the family. Wife and kids wouldn’t talk to her.