@VicFuture

Why its called ‘having your period’ and not ‘rolling out the red carpet ‘ I’ll never know.

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@OpenClassMX

If I say I love you, don’t read too much into it. I just told this cheesecake that I love it, too.

@adamgreattweet

Telling a mother her baby is cute is like giving your compliments to the chef

@SteveSuckington

I rented this bobcat to help me dig up my new pool but he won’t even hold the shovel. He’s just eating all the neighborhood squirrels.

@TheTweetOfGod

Give a man a fish, he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to fish, he’ll add to the global overdepletion of the oceans. So just give him the fish.

@ThugRaccoons

Her: Sure! I’d love to go out with you

Me: Noice.

Her: I just remembered I’m busy that day.

@dadmann_walking

when my wife was in labor with our first kid 11 yrs ago I was next to her in the hospital room. with my laptop tending to my farmville crops that needed harvesting. Follow me for more caring husband advice.