Glade bathroom spray- because everyone loves the smell of someone crapping on a rose bush.
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I miss the good old days, when more people were catapulted.
I’m a strong, independent woman who needs you to come kill this moth in the basement.
When you drive by a cop car and wonder if you did rob a bank and just forgot about it
Shot pool with my 15yo son.
Taught him a valuable lesson.
You can restart a video game 1000 times.
You can only lose your allowance once.
creepiest cooking vid i’ve ever seen
[at the gym]
Trainer: “Why don’t you tell me what your workout goals are.”
Me: “Goals? I’m just here so I don’t eat for an hour.”
Wow my pants are really loose today
*skips to the nearest vending machine*
Me: I’m on the carnival diet.
Person: You mean the carnivore diet?
Me: No, the carnival diet. I eat hot dogs, funnel cake, and cotton candy.
My debt forgiveness plan is simple: I have hidden five golden tickets in chocolate bars around the world. The lucky children that find the bars can use the tickets to pay tuition fees if they pass a series of simple tests during a visit to my candy factory
The fact that there ain’t no rest for the wicked is probably why I’m always so tired
Son: I need a suit for Pledge Night at the Fraternity.
Me: I’ll take you suit shopping.
[suit shopping]
Me [realizing the cheapest suit is $700]: Can’t you just wear a toga?
me: [gun drawn] put the receipt in the bag.
cashier: ok.
me: Why aren’t you wearing pants?
toddler: I can see better without them
BATMAN: I have invested billions in the most state of the art technology to combat crime in this city
GOTHAM: Great! How can we reach you?
BATMAN: Pray for clouds and point this lamp at the sky while I’m beneath the earth in a cave please
wife and kids are threatening to remove me from the family group chat because my Android is messing it up and now I’m certain that I made the right phone choice
You know it was a good party when the neighbor sends you a text to say they managed to get your bra off their roof
What do you mean I overthink things (as I wonder if I hurt my dog’s feelings by liking cat videos on Instagram)?
THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS TO ALL THE BROS ON INSTAGRAM WHO CAN’T AFFORD SHIRTS
OFFICER DOWN I REPEAT WE HAVE AN OFFICER DOWN. I’m fine just down for whatever. Dancing or something fun.
CAMEL 1: Hey can u hold this for me for one sec?
CAMEL 2: I would but I kinda have a lot on my back right now..
CAMEL 1: It’s one straw Marvin don’t be like that
*I will not be awkward*
*I will not be awkward*Uber Eats delivery guy: Enjoy your dinner!
Me: Thanks, you too
Bout to have a wild Saturday night playing Diablo III with children til the wee hours (probably around 8pm)
Relationship status: the extended car warranty guy told me to stop calling him.
.@LAPD My wife made hazelnut “coffee” with my coffee maker. Send all available units.
What I say: “Agree to disagree”
What I really mean: “You are dumb and I will allow you to stay that way”
My neighbor cut their tree down and now my house looks bald.
“Please. My wife. She’s very sick.”
Hand embroidery on cotton. Custom order lol.
O-mi-cron, Becky. Look at that variant.
person: nice cheese
inventor of swiss: thanks it has pockets
Boss: I’m going to have to fire you. It’s the way you misread EVERY situation somehow.
Me: *holding maracas* Wait, THAT’S why you asked me in here?!