If I say I love you, don’t read too much into it. I just told this cheesecake that I love it, too.
Why its called ‘having your period’ and not ‘rolling out the red carpet ‘ I’ll never know.
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6 FEET MEANS 6 MF FEET! 😂😩🔥
Telling a mother her baby is cute is like giving your compliments to the chef
I rented this bobcat to help me dig up my new pool but he won’t even hold the shovel. He’s just eating all the neighborhood squirrels.
Seductively takes 378 bobby pins out of my hair
Give a man a fish, he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to fish, he’ll add to the global overdepletion of the oceans. So just give him the fish.
Her: Sure! I’d love to go out with you
Her: I just remembered I’m busy that day.
Tired: Turner & Hooch
when my wife was in labor with our first kid 11 yrs ago I was next to her in the hospital room. with my laptop tending to my farmville crops that needed harvesting. Follow me for more caring husband advice.
me: no need to cut it, it’s just for me
pizza guy: u sure?