Why its called ‘having your period’ and not ‘rolling out the red carpet ‘ I’ll never know.

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These people on Hoarders knew a camera crew was coming. You’d think they’d tidy up a bit.


Me: How awful do I look?

Him: You always look beautiful.

Me: Do I need to put makeup on?

Him: Maybe just a…


Him: No.


When I see JUST MARRIED I like to think it means ‘only married’ like there are higher types of commitment but they just settled for marriage


Why do birds suddenly appear anytime you are near?

Him: *hiding bread crumbs in his pockets*


This is your captain speaking. Underneath each of your seats is a broadsword. In the words of Highlander, there can be only one.


Senior: *Gets diploma* I’m glad all the cliquey high school stuff is behind me
Principal: *Laughs for the rest of the graduation ceremony*



[dave starts doing the electric slide]

robber: damn it Dave, not you, go fetch the money


I sexually identify as Nickelback because people are ashamed of how much they secretly enjoy me.


Don’t you hate when somebody gives you the finger in traffic and then you have to follow them home and loosen the lug nuts on their wheels.