Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*getting murdered*

Me: *pointing to murderer’s t-shirt* Ha ha, you went to a Justin Bieber concert

Stages of helping your kids with a project:

1. Ok first off, when is it due?

2. Wait, WHAT??

I can’t wait to get married and communicate my disdain solely through aggressive dishwashing.

[walks in to UPS store holding rabid raccoon]

Hi my boyfriend said he wants to take a break so I’d like to ship him this please.

Mothers just don’t eat their young like they used to.

Last night, we decided to play UNO as a family & wouldn’t you know it’s the perfectly named game because it only took playing one round for my kids to hate each other

Your windows aren’t that tinted that I can’t still see you picking your nose.

Me:
Neck pillow
Knee pillow
Hug pillow
Head pillow
Ankle pillow
Back pillow
Thigh pillow
Foot pillow

Him:
Pillow

DR. FRANKENSTEIN: I’m just saying, it’s a very misleading flyer

BODY BUILDING COMPETITION JUDGE: again, we can only apologise

Me: Do you want to hit the steam room after this?

Leonard the shrimp I work out with: *aggressive shrimp noises*

Me: Christ, it’s a joke Leonard. Calm down.

Pro tip: If your full grown kid won’t move out just tell them their Christmas gift is in the driveway and lock the door when they go look.

Hi, I’m Suki. And I just turned the volume down because it was getting too cold in my car.

The worst part of Aquaman’s day is when he has to kill time on land for half an hour after eating a meal.

My kid accidentally waved down the ice cream truck, she honestly just wanted to say hello, now she’s eating ice cream, I don’t understand what just happened

I try to live my life everyday as if it were my last. And who wants to do laundry on their last day? Not me…

No matter which town/city in America you go to, there is one guarantee, and that is the locals absolutely roasting you for pronouncing the name of their town exactly how it is f***ing spelled

When someone asks you “what is it that you like about me?”

“You’re gluten-free” isn’t the answer they want to hear.

STEVE MILLER: some people call me the space cowboy
ME: dude we only did that once and we all really really regret it

There’s really no good explanation when a friend sees a ruler sitting on the end table next to your bed.

Singin’ in the Rain (1952) but with a Velociraptor

Dad loved to say “there’s no price tag, must be free,” or, “there’s no expiration date, must be good,” now we hardly talk except when he calls from jail with food poisoning.

An hour into this 15 minute recipe and I’m still dicing onions.

Me: I’ve had a breakdown.

Tow truck company: Where’s your car?

Me: Car?

COP: Know why I pulled you over?

ME: Because I didn’t floss?

DENTIST: *rips off cop mask* I gotcha now, you son of a-

Donald Trump only wears a toupee to hide Lord Voldemort.

[1st day as a detective]

me: a vampire did it

partner: sorry?

me: no garlic here, means the victim couldn’t defend himself from a vampire

partner: what? that’s not how u investig- ok, there’s no raid either, so what, does that mean-

me: hmm ur right, it could have been ants

I can’t get over the fact that the word “gullible” upside-down looks like a cat.

I’m not doing the london marathon today but I reckon if I start training now and eat more healthily, next year I should be able to watch a whole one.

Mom asked me if I would pick up some things for her at the ‘Dime Store’, great, now I’ve got to go all the way to the 70s.

Me: Aww a valentine!
Officer: It’s a ticket.
Me: A ticket to your heart.
Officer: Ma’am, will you-
Me: Yes! I’ll marry you.