why just edible underwear? why not an entire edible wardrobe? i wanna eat a parka off my wife before sex
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Here are dogs dressed like pandas to cheer you and/or calm you down.
Love will tear us apart. Also, bears, wolves and some other woodland creatures.
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!-Amish drive by
When my friend and I were children, gym class would have us run around the neighborhood. This run would pass my house. We sneak through the back alley into my house and watch TV for 20 minutes and then my dad will drive us back to school. The perfect crime
IKEA violently attacking me for not having any friends
Christ! How many beers did I have last night?!
her: I like a confident man
me *maintaining eye contact*: worcestershire
Judging by the bites I woke up with this morning, I got felt up by a spider last night.
I asked my wife to share her queen sized blanket to which she replied she was a queen and therefore the blanket was already at max capacity
Therapist: So do you think your trust issues stem from your father abandoning you?
*I think back to how betrayed I felt the first time I bought an energy drink in a bright red can but the liquid was green*
Me: Sure let’s go with that.
Many people that appear “cool” actually struggle with feelings of inadequacy. Not me. I have those feelings without appearing cool at all.
The problem with wearing a reversible shirt is that at some point I want to show off how it works
I just sent a screen shot of my drunken tweets to my friends & they are still asking if I can come pick them up
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
Which knight can find anything?
Sir Chengine.
If you are dissolving someone in a vat it’s no longer an acid problem, it’s an acid solution.
How did the date go?
-Not good.
Aww what went wrong?
-*thinks back to accidentally popping a zit into her soup* She just wasn’t my type.
alien 1: what’s a typical human life cycle like?
alien 2: 5 years of ignorance, 13-18 years learning trivia, 40 years of labor, and 15 years waiting for death
alien 1: I meant biologically but wow that sounds terrible
My cat: *standing on my chest to block my computer screen, pressing his nose to mine & staring deeply into my eyes*
Me: Well. Hi.
My cat: You’re very clingy.
Wife- Don’t forget the trash.
Me *BATMAN VOICE- I’ll forget whatever I want.
Wife- What did you ju…
Me *Robin voice- I said, yes ma’am.
*Friend hands me their baby. I whisper*
The blood so fresh & pure. It’s perfect for the sacrifice.
And that’s how I get out of babysitting.
It’s cute when I put everything back where it belongs, and my family thinks I rearranged the house.
Look lady, you’ve already taken my money so put that Oompa Loompa costume on and let’s do this.
I grilled a chicken for two hours.
It still wouldn’t tell me why it crossed the road…
“thank you for your order, I’ll push it off the edge of the counter when it’s ready”
hate seeing someone driving a cement mixer and theyre mixing the cement as they drive. mix it at home and just drive
Your inspirational tweet inspired me to block you.
The question is not “Why is Instagram not working?”, but “Why does the world need another picture of you?” #instagramnotworking
“Thunder only happens when it’s raining. And players only love you when they’re playing.”
I wish more songs would combine weather facts with relationship advice.
“Earth’s highest recorded temperature is 56 degrees. And women like a man who has a lot of DVDs.”
daughter: can i keep the night light on?
me: and provide the monsters with a beacon to your location? use your head, sweetie