why just edible underwear? why not an entire edible wardrobe? i wanna eat a parka off my wife before sex
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*person walking on the road
Me: roads are for cars
*person gets off road as I pass
Also me: I can drive. I’m not going to hit you.
Do people who get meal kits shipped to their home know they can have restaurants deliver food that’s already cooked?
Ever since CATS come out things have been way off
PRESIDENT OBAMA: I pardon this turkey-
TURKEY: Nope. I’m ready. 2016 was a shit show. Kill me now
I love how Hello Fresh always gives me way more garlic than I need. I admire a company not afraid to take a firm stance against Dracula.
If I owned a dog daycare I would call it Deez Mutts
Do angry tweeters know about prune juice?
*coworker stares at me as I unpack lunch*
Me: leave
CW: why?
Me: I’m never bringing a banana to work again, okay Todd!?!?
Genuinely stunned France has adopted the word “wifi” rather than “le signal librement accessible sans l’utilisation de fils” or some shit.
Archbishop: If anyone objects to this wedding…
Prince William: Me! Meghan, I adore you!
Prince Harry: Wut?!!! I adore her!Spin Doctors whip out their instruments & huddle together: okay, guys… we’ve been training for this our whole lives!
I can find Waldo faster than I can find the bread bag twist tie I just set on the kitchen counter.
I waited for so long at the doctor’s office that by the time they called me it was time for my follow-up appointment.
can’t talk my ride’s here
Period tracker: 196 days late
Me: *wears white pants
Period: I’m ready for my comeback
Tonight’s rookie mistake: Not budgeting enough time into my 5yo’s bedtime routine to argue with him about how to spell the letter K.
how many times did you see your kids tonight after you put them to bed and why is it 87 times?
Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul to keep
And if I die before I wake
Good
What doesn’t kill you, forces me to reload.
Every retail employee should get to hit one customer a year and there is no way for customers to tell if they’ve used it yet
The Grapes of Wrath 2: The Raisins of Revenge
Although this might seem a bit pricey at first, please keep in mind that it takes approximately two dozen mice to make one pound, which comes out to only about nineteen cents per mouse.
Smoke alarms are stupid — like I’d ever forget to smoke.
you’re damn right i have
The A string on my guit_r is flat
He died doing two things he loved: making a toast sandwich and taking a bath
A Short Story.
It’s not illegal to tell a ghost story when a cop shines a flashlight in your face
It sucks when you’re stuck in traffic behind a truck so you have no idea what’s going on down the road. For all you know Godzilla is melting cars a block ahead.
I was going through an old keepsakes box of mine and found a 4 colored pen. I asked my 6 year old if she’d like to have the cool pen I used when I was a kid. Her eyes lit up, then I gave it to her and she frowned. “Oh, I thought it was going to be one of those feathers,” she said