Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[finishing meal at rooftop restaurant] I’m ready to jump off whenever you guys are

I predict the next world war will be artificial intelligence versus genuine stupidity.

I love how Hello Fresh always gives me way more garlic than I need. I admire a company not afraid to take a firm stance against Dracula.

*primitive gungans defeat battle droids*

*Stone Age ewoks beat elite stormtroopers*

*improbable underdog story defeats logic and reason*

$4 #usedbooks

I just broke a mirror disco ball, I’m not looking forward to my 5,600 years of bad luck

Maybe your dog was descended from wolves; mine wants a mint on his pillow and concierge service.

In our house the answer to 🎶who let the dogs out?🎶 is always the toddler at 4am when we’re all alseep because she thinks it’s funny

2019: Tumblr blinks offline, satisfied, having completed its mission of collecting all existing TV and film footage as GIF files.

An easy way to know if your house is haunted is to bake a cake that says “for ghost” and see if anything takes it

The mid 90s teen aesthetic is making a comeback and I’m here for it- as a 40 year old who’s never actually outgrown the phase

Strange to think that exactly four years ago at the start of lockdown in the UK we all began stockpiling pasta, yeast and toilet paper. Those were some of the worst meals I’ve ever eaten.

Him: Let’s grill this steak

Me: *slams table, screams at steak* WHO SOLD YOU THE DRUGS

Him: that’s not-

Me: Refusing to talk? BIG MISTEAK

I’m on hold. My call is important to them.

What you call “Brunch” I call “Breakfast for Alcoholics.”

why is being alive so expensive. I’m not even having a good time.

[invention of fish net stockings]

fisherman 1: Help! I got caught in the fish net!

fisherman 2: is it just me or is dave looking a little … hot?

fisherman 3: no dave is definitely being hot rn

I want to jump in a time machine, find the person who decided the work week should be 5 days and the weekends only 2, smack them across the face, and come home.

I PowerWashed the scale this morning because it kept calling me dirty names, like fat.

When a guy looks at me, when he’s with a girl, half of me thinks douchebag! Other half hears don’t cha by pussycat dolls playing in my head.

11: can I see one of your last tweets?

Me: *pulls up tweet*

11: no, I meant a funny one

*Meeting GF parents*

What are your intentions with our daughter?

Uh I need someone to sing the girl parts of Grease songs with me

Me: I’m terrified of aging rock bands

Therapist: You too?

Me: [screams]

Kids: The floor is lava
God: Soon

Does anything good ever escape from a lab

Lost the library card. Been missing over a month.

Went and got a new library card.

Came home, put library card in a safe place and found old library card in the same spot.

What’s the difference between a $20 steak and a $85 steak?

February 14th.

I’m sorry I didn’t respond to you, I was arguing with someone in my head and I can only give my attention to one person at a time.