Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m tired of people asking how I wrecked my car. That’s just the way it looks.

You can always predict what antigay protesters will say. But never how they’ll spell it.

Me: Ugh how can people live like this?!
Him: This is our house.
Me: What the Hell happened?
Him: We had kids.
Me: Oh. Right.

*scrolls ur TL*
*finds ur tweet from 2 yrs ago.*
*eerily similar to mine from day before*

“She stole my tweet AND built a time machine?!”

He’s been preparing for this moment his entire life 😂😭

I’d survive scream bc i don’t answer the phone ever

not being able to fall asleep is so embarrassing. All I’m asking my brain to do is nothing and it can’t even do that?

People should be able to call in healthy: “Look, I’m not coming into the office today. I feel really good and I don’t want to waste it on being at work “

I’m going to normalize a new trend.

Unsolicited *CROC* pics

“We could do that, or…”

Translation: I’m afraid I’ve just placed your suggested plan gently into the bin.

Damn girl are you a bra because ur very supportive but I can’t figure out how to get you off

I ran out of toilet paper so I had to start using old newspapers.

The Times are rough.

So far this “doctor” has insisted on giving me a haircut and 9 shots for a stomach ache and when I questioned her credentials she called the police on me.

4: *hands me toy phone* Talk to them.

Arguing with your parents is like trying to explain how to download music from iTunes to a plant.

*storms out of office bathroom*
*slams roll of single-ply toilet paper on boss’s desk*
I CAN’T WORK LIKE THIS

shit just got real

Ted Danson but only if Ted Drinken

“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”

” Yes, we arson.”

Shoutout to my old boss who laid me off on a videoless zoom call during the pandemic AFTER making me work 70+ hour weeks at a 30% pandemic pay cut for over a year. You just saw me walk into corporate of my fancy new job & I waved my badge at you. Your jaw dropped.

Pick it up.

Never tell someone that it would work out if “only they lived closer”. Crazy can change zip codes faster than you can change your identity.

Fly wife: Notice anything?

Fly husband: …

Fly wife: Seventeen thousand eyes and not one spots my new haircut

HER: this isn’t working out
ME: is it because I’m too literal?
HER: I just don’t want to see you any more
ME: ok *gently closes her eyes*

Me: [cleaning the house for hours…finds the beloved toy my son “lost” and hands it to him]
9 y/o: Dad! Look what I just found!

Sir I-

[Coffee line]

*Sees cute barista*
*Twirls hair*
No whipped cream please
*Sees his backward sunglasses*
*Drops hand*
Never mind. Load it up.

i did the math

[at a football game]

my kid: can i get a giant foam finger

me: no

my kid: why not

me: because you already ate three of them at halftime

Food is love and love is terrifying so my chili might kill you.

Down on yourself for being lazy? Keep in mind the Greeks believed their Gods lived atop a very hikeable mountain and no one went to check.

“Don’t let me keep you”

Translation: Please go.

roses are red / violets are blue
who let the dogs out / who who who who