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Get in, there’s no time to explain.
Him: You’re pretty obnoxious. You know that?
Me: I’m sorry. All I heard was pretty.
Let me get this straight. The guy was raised by animals in the jungle with no human contact whatsoever and he named himself George?
What’s going on under there? Nobody has to know but you. – Poncho salesman
Me: ‘Have you considered hydrotherapy?’
19: ‘What?’
Me: ‘Just take a shower, please.’
Gotta respect birds, living in trees means they completely avoid paying property tax.
When my husband says ‘let me ask my wife,’ he’s just using me as an excuse to get out of whatever you’re asking him to do.
The USS B port
brain: wake up
me: it’s 1:15 am
brain: pick up your phone
me: fine just for a minute
brain: lmao ok
Eight maids a-milking
Seven swans a-swimming
Six geese a-laying
Five onion rings
Four calling birds
Three french hens
Two turtle doves, and
A partridge in a pear tree….Dwayne Johnson: Yup, that’s today’s meal prep done!
I bought one follower just to see what it was like and he showed up at my job and his name is Eddie and he’s kind of freaking me out guys.
Boxing isn’t the only profession you can pretend to do while you’re jogging, today I flipped burgers.
well, that freaky sound coming from the basement was just the pipes going wonky
of course, I didn’t have a basement this morning, so that’s a whole different problem
[Commercial for condoms]
*a baby cries*
NARRATOR: Condoms
How people watch movies when they’re:
DATING *hold hands*
ENGAGED *cuddle*
MARRIED *one person turns the volume up while I choke on a piece of popcorn*
HR is giving me a hard time because I’ve been starting all my work emails with:
Dearly Beloved
Interviewer: what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Me: [wearing my wife’s wedding dress] laundry
I need a Magic 8 ball so i can find out if I’m drinking today or if I’m re-shaking it until i am
Fine, I’ll bite. What’s stability?
Fell down the stairs and my 5yo complained, that it was so loud. I told him, i would fall more quietly next time and he looked at me like i was very stupid and said”Just don’t fall at all!” I was glad that he provided this solution!
Earth: “You’re causing tidal waves!”
Moon: “So?”
Earth: “I don’t think you understand the gravity of the situation!”
Moon: “Very funny.”
If you tell me that something is just a hop, skip, and a jump away, I’m not going. That’s exercise.
Crypto is over. This is the year of cryptic currency. Pay for your groceries with a mumbled prophecy and a cursed stone.
Not to brag…
… but practically all of my arrest warrants are considered ‘outstanding’.
To save a bit of money on e-cigarettes I’ve started to roll my own batteries.
I always carry bananas in my purse in case I’m ever chased by bad guys…
…or a giant gorilla.
~Super Mario’s mom probably
My husband just walked in, told the dog how cute he is, and how much he loves him. Held his face in his hands, stared into his eyes, and gave him forehead kisses. Then left the room.
I’m sitting right next to the dog.
Someone I have known for 15 years, just completely ignored me in the grocery store. This is the best day ever.
“Whatcha doin’, Phil?”
“Some guy on the internet says he’ll pay fifty bucks a pop for beaver shots.”
14: hey dad- do you know what 9x9x9x9 is?
Me: I’m 40. I don’t need to know that anymore.