Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Alcohol won’t solve my problems, but neither will milk or orange juice.

She died doing what she loved: Running for her life in the wrong direction.

Original plans for Mt Rushmore had the mouths carved open so they would scream out bats at the setting sun then eat them again at dawn.

Now she’s falling asleep, and I’m calling a crab.

I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.

[pet therapy]
THERAPIST: ok slow
ME: *pets 2 dogs*
T: just 1
M: *pets 3 dogs*
T: Nurse, restrain him, he’s
M: *pets 4 dogs*
T: roverdosing

Sex so vanilla Baskin-Robbins names an ice cream after it.

I’m surprised to learn very few people wash their undies in the kitchen sink

Anyhow HR wants to have another “chat”

The girl who once told me “If I’m not married by the time I’m 30, kill me” got married recently at 29 and WHEW is that a load off my mind

My debate style is more like Teddy Roosevelt. I carry a big stick in one hand, a sword in the other, and wait for you to agree.

Sometimes I vacuum not because I need to vacuum, but because I want my kids to leave me alone

I love these 90-minute department meetings. It’s like a thrilling live performance of an email

[buying condoms] Do you have anything bigger? Like if someone wanted to pretend to be a slippery ghost for a day, or something like that.

job interview tip: show up wearig the exact same thing as ur interveiwer, whispre “dress for the job u want, right?” then just stare at them

‘Stealing someone’s coffee is called mugging.’

I stopped my pig from eating a penny.

I don’t know why.

I was so close to having a real live piggy bank.

7: Mommy look!

Me: Ok

7: Look at me!

Me: I’m looking

7: Look!

Me: I AM!

7: Why aren’t you looking?!

Me: OMG I’m looking! I’m staring right at you!

7: Wow. You’ve got a temper

Me:

7: And staring is rude

*deep fries turkey
*deep fries deck
*deep fries backyard
*deep fries house
*deep fries neighborhood
*deep fries los angeles

My daughter keeps exclaiming, “What in tarnation?” when something surprises her. It’s cute but a little like living with a 3rd Grade Yosemite Sam.

Might run for office so everyone can see how skinny I was back in college.

For the low, low price of $14.95, I’ll send you my instructional DVD, “How to Succeed as a Con Man.”

someone described my girlfriend’s skin as “sun-kissed” recently and now the sun’s about to catch these hands

Chairman: I’d like everyone to go over what they chose as their mascots.

Burger King: A king.

Wendy’s: A joyous child.

Mcdonald’s: I didn’t know we- um, a clown? Like a big nasty clown.

Chairman:

Mcdonald’s: A big nugget. Maybe purple. No wait how about a moist little thief?

Call me old-fashioned, but I believe marriage should be between a person who hates pickles and another person who will eat that pickle.

“Here kid. I hope you like not getting laid until college because your bedroom is a giant dinosaur now.”

-extreme home makeover

Maybe your grandma covered her furniture in plastic because she was a murderer. You don’t know for sure.

You look so comfortable in your own skin. Could I try it on?

Just like my overly critical mother, every time I see children I want to belittle again.

I thought the best thing about adulthood would be the ability to buy as much Dr Pepper gum as I wanted.

It’s been discontinued and packs now sell for $50 on eBay.

You win again, life.

It’s nothing serious, we’re not dating or anything, we just sometimes get brunch together, were just Friends with Benedict.