Why? Just why? 😂
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One time I did mushrooms and played GTA and felt regret for the lives I was taking I was all “Holy shit these people have families”
Everyone you meet is going through some kind of struggle, and they also have something to teach you, so do NOT make eye contact.
I like to record the results and statistics of female tennis players.
I do this on a Steffi Graph.
My 6yo said “I’m still hungry” and I couldn’t resist responding with “I’m still daddy”
What if life on Earth is just a video game for gods, and my guy has the crappy controller?
[1st day working at bank]
BOSS: What are you doing??
ME: I gave that man a personal loan.
BOSS: YOU’RE THE JANITOR
Hate when you hire a shady mercenary in a tavern by throwing them a leather purse of gold coins they never give you the purse back. Im getting fucking murdered on leather purses here
I shaved my legs for this, which means this doctor appointment is a date now.
ME:You wanna come in?
VAMPIRE:Oh, can’t, vampire
M:Unless I invite you
V:Oh…you know about that
M:Yeah, you can-
V:It’s just…I’m super busy…
“[I] broke up with him because I was sick of justifying his trench coat to my friends” – Overheard on the bus
bad
worse
worst
worchester
It still hurts that my parents never came to any of my violin recitals. I never bought their flimsy excuses, like “You’ve never had any lessons” and “You don’t even have a violin” and “That’s a banjo and a stick.”
So it turns out the child that cost me the most money in the Legoland store……was me.
*grabs myself by the collar of my shirt and pushes myself against the wall* tell me where the remote is
My boyfriend doesn’t believe in putting his clothes away so I decided to stop believing in doing the dishes.
[a commercial for tampons]
Hi babe I picked up the tampons you asked me for
“Screw you, you bastard!, I hate you”
Narrator: “Tampons”
They did not think through this water fountain
Billy where is your homework? “im sorry Ms. Klein my dog- *sees dog in the window make a throat cutting motion* -gone cat ate it”
Yeah, I don’t think this is how it works
Make a birthday wish for mutant lung power then blow away your cake, your party guests, your house, car, trees, etc.
“you look nervous” thanks i’ve been practicing my whole life
Getting a neck tattoo is probably the coolest way to show your love for manual labour.
[party]
ME: I’m uncomfortable
BF: Just mingle
ME: Do I introduce myself?
BF: We’re at your family reunion
Yes, autocorrect. That’s right. I wash clothes in my washington machine.
I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.
So far I’ve got 50,000 signatures.
Why do cars slow down when they see a cop has pulled someone over? HE’S A LITTLE BUSY TO WORRY ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW DUMMIES
Decided to use the classic celebrity break up picture torn in half method to announce that my cat no longer likes these treats.
My 4yo asked me for a ninja shaped pancake. I made her a circle because that’s all my pancake making skill level allows me to make. She was like, “umm… where’s the ninja??” So I told her that it’s so fast you can’t see it and she said “wow! Thanks mom!” Lmao
Date: Did you just spit your tooth out?
Me: Oh that’s not mine
How do you end an argument with a woman?
Tell her to calm down.
You’re dead now but the argument is over.