Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I always roll out of bed. Not even morning can trick me into doing a sit-up

Does anyone else still miss that part of the pandemic where it was illegal for anyone to come near you?

Asking for a friend. x

Why human bake at 86 degrees but chicken bake at 425

I question Chrysler’s dedication to the safety of it’s customers with names like Dodge and Ram.

KID: I don’t need a coat
ME: baby, it’s cold outside
KID: I don’t think it’s cold
ME: it really is cold outside
KID: I will not be cold
ME: I promise it’s cold outside
[twenty more minutes of arguing]
ME: fine let’s just go
KID: daddy it’s cold outside

As a parent my favourite part of the weekend is Monday.

My mom asked me to text her at 5pm to remind her to get her thyroid medication so I do have plans

#SaturdayVibes Never forget #BishopSycamore: The fake high school that tricked ESPN into airing their games. 😭🏈📺

When I am served half an egg at a restaurant,

I wonder to myself:

Who has the other half of my egg?

Two strangers;

Living their lives;

Sharing an egg.

Sure I feel bad for Marty McFly having to take his mum to the dance so his parents meet, but poor John Connor had to send his mate back in time to bang his mum or he wouldn’t have been born

Friend: are you ready for our hike?
Me: *filling my camelback with french onion soup* just about

*DOG Talks

Dog (wearing headset):

So when I realized I didn’t *have* to fetch the ball, the power dynamic between me and my human shifted dramatically.

oh to be a capybara in an open air bath with an orange on its head

Realtor: Full disclosure, this house is haunted.

Me: ok cool.

~6 mos later~

Ghost: Don’t you wanna go out with your live friends tonight?

Me: No silly! YOU’RE the only friend I’m ever going to need! Let’s talk some more about my childhood.

Ghost: [quietly sobs]

me: oh, I have a great ide…

wife: no

[job interview]
“Why do you want to be a librarian?”
I like people
“What do you like about them?”
*whispers* I like telling them to shut up

seminar…

Me: *raising hand*
Speaker: Surely one of you has an intelligent question.
Me: *lowers hand*

TEETH IS INNOCENT

There’s 3 ways to get something done: do it yourself, hire someone or forbid your kids to do it.

And they lived apathetically ever after.

I think the government looks at Twitter and thinks ‘This is WAY cheaper than Asylums’

🎶I Heard Mommy Screaming at Santa Claus🎶

– assembling my bike… I was about 6

I want my kid to be sociable, but I don’t know where I expect him to inherit that from.

[breakfast]

Her: Ugh. Dropped an egg.

Me: You could just say you’re ovulating, you know.

Watched golf for two hours
before realizing that
the TV was off.

I accepted the Microsoft terms and conditions without reading them, and apparently I’m now responsible for hemming all of Bill Gates’ pants.

no i don’t want to allow notifications from your online publication. no one HAS ever wanted to allow notifications from your online publication and no one WILL ever wanted to allow notifications from your online publication. weirdass

I was in a gang once. We wore blue, traveled in packs, and ruled our turf with shiny instruments…wait. Band. I was in the marching band.

I’m trying to convince my Seattle in-laws the new travel ban means we can’t visit them this summer.