Why? Just why? 😂
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Commissioner Gordon: It says here that bats sleep upside down and wee over themselves.
Batman: We also poop.
CG: We?
B: They. I mean they
If ever paramedics are trying to revive me and all else is failing, I hope someone has the good sense to play the sound of an approaching bin lorry into my ears. If that doesn’t wake me, I’m definitely dead.
I bought my dad some mugs with little ceramic doggos at the bottom. He just handed me coffee, but, ‘I can’t fill it up more than that or the dog will drown.’
Satan [reading Chicken Soup for the Soul]: wtf this isn’t a cookbook
FRIEND: our kids are away with their grandparents so I’m taking my wife out tonight
ME: oh wow, like with an assassin or are you gonna do it yourself?
FRIEND: um, like…to dinner
ME: cool, cool
I saw a lady at work today doing “breathing exercises” and realized for the first time how lucky I was that breathing came naturally to me.
If someone wants to spend time with you, they’ll let you know. Get rid of those people
Million dollar idea: an alarm clock that plays Nickelback if you hit snooze.
Waiter: Did we decide?
Date: Yes, I’d like the Sirloin. Medium rare.
Me: And I’d like the Remix to Ignition. Hot & fresh out the kitchen.
Date: I can’t believe you never saw titantic
Me: To be fair, it did sink before I was born
[leaving a party]
GF (holding 2 identical jackets): which one is yours
ME: whichever one has a pancake in the pocket
Next time you want to question the rationality of women, just remember that they freak the fuck out when they see a centimeter long spider.
6 more days, guys.. That’s December 26. The day everybody puts their shitty Xmas gifts on Ebay so poor people, like me, can buy them!
I think it’s cool that when you’re pregnant you not only make a baby but you also make a little table where you can put your cereal bowl.
I contain multitudes, Elizabeth
Sorry I headbutted you, I was gonna punch you but, I was holding wine.
[watching Joker]
Joker: ha-
me: [to my date] he’s gonna say ha now
Joker: -ha
Date: ᴴᵒˡʸ ˢʰᶦᵗ
Just a reminder that Jingle Bells makes it sound like some grand adventure but a one-horse open sleigh is literally the cheapest sleigh you can get.
[a food doesn’t agree with me] i don’t recall asking for your opinion
my friend thought his gf was cheating on him but it turned out she was going to a psychic to help her win the powerball and we both agree that’s way worse
how does a Matrix movie work in 2021? I’m supposed to be scared of living in a fake reality, trapped forever in 1999? Shit frost my tips and log me in
Save money this Halloween by utilizing last years’ hobo costume to dress up as this year’s federal employee.
Sunday
Me: who is your favourite spice girl?
Guy On The Subway: paprika and I’m a man
Him: What’s your baby’s name?
Her: Angel of Death
Him: err..
Her: ..it’s from the Bible.
The coolest feature of being over age 40 is now when I get a pimple it only takes 14 months to go away.
BREAKING: Epstein autopsy reveals his teeth had become piano keys, consistent with death by piano drop
Just once I’d like to meet a person whose job is to make captchas so I can slap him in the face for making my life difficult.
Me: *winks*
Him: *googles signs of a stroke*