Why? Just why? 😂
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In Hell, you cannot peel off the colors on a Rubik’s Cube to solve it
I think that McDonalds is putting an unhealthy amount of lettuce in the Big Macs these days.
Mama Bear: Ok but last time
Papa Bear: Thanks, babe
[she puts on a Goldilocks wig]
Mama Bear (falsetto): I can’t sleep here! It’s toooo hard
My ATM password is four digits and my Twitter password is a complicated one because I wouldn’t want anyone to log in and post embarrassing tweets.
What personal space?
My dog
A dog just came up to me to say hello and the owner dragged him off.
Jealousy will get you nowhere, pal.
barbie baked bread before becoming bamboozled by bearded beavers
I’m thinking about opening a plastic surgery center and calling it “Pick Your Nose”.
I just heard the phrase “murdered to death” and wondered if there’s any other option
10 y/o daughter says she wants a job like mine someday because I’m “important but not that important” and my life story finally has a title.
[watching Jaws]
Me: Which ones Jaws
Girlfriend: Who do u think?
Me: (noticing all of the characters so far have jaws) Idk its hard 2 tell
[Donald Duck opens gift]
Daisy: It’s pants. Try them on!
Donald: [stands] STOP TRYING TO CHANGE ME WOMAN
I shaved my legs today and it was the fastest 3lbs I’ve ever lost in my life
I can turn a case of beer into a drunk man. Your move, Jesus.
Me: Are these garbage bags of yours super strong?
Clark Kent: What? No just regular strong ones here haha nothing super about ‘em *nervously adjusts glasses*
Me: What are you going to be when you grow up?
4: I’m going to be a mom.
Me: That sounds fun!
4: No, it won’t be.
prisoner: [wakes up half drunk] where am i
sheriff: bad news pal you’re in jail
prisoner: i can see that but where
sheriff: mississippi
prisoner: ok now that is bad news
“Are you sure you want to close 58 tabs?” no I’m not sure what if I need this tracking information for a package that was delivered last week
My boss got bit by a snake so I bandaged his wound so tight just to make sure the venom won’t drain out.
The most annoying part of making spaghetti is when the noodles are done, so you pour them into the strainer but the holes are too big so you end up with spaghetti all over the inside of your car.
Why do baby clothes have pockets. What do babies have to carry?
Me: Goodnight Moon
Moon: Well hi there. I can’t hear you because I’m 240,000 miles away and sound doesn’t travel in space. Die in a fire.
Kid: There’s a monster living in my closet
Monster: do you have any idea how expensive a studio apartment is in this neighborhood
My 9 year old ran away for an hour and by the time he came back my wife had already turned his bedroom into a yoga studio.
commiting a crime and pretending to be a witness so i can get the police sketch artist to draw my oc for free
ME, anxiously practicing in mirror: Thanks a LOT. Thanks A lot. THANKS a lot.
*doorbell*
DELIVERY GUY: Here’s your food.
ME, blurting: THANKS A LOT OF DELIVERY GUYS GET KIDNAPPED
Interviewer: And what are your long term goals?
Me: I was thinking cremation.
Is the economy struggling? Have you tried telling it to work harder and cut back on luxuries?
Me: Your sandwiches are ready
16: My ride just got here early *grabbing a sandwich & taking huge bite*
Me: Take them with you. Those Philly cheesesteaks better get eaten
16: *hug, laughing, taking plate w/him* Mama, 3 teenagers, 1 car, 2 Philly cheesesteaks. They’ll get eaten
My husband and I have reached the age that neither of us will get up to investigate even the strangest of noises.