“Why KFC calling you at 1:36am?
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If you’re a software developer, are you code-dependent…
I do not hit my children. However, I do text them in complete sentences with capitalization and punctuation, which is apparently equally aggressive.
wife: Can’t we just buy a bigger catflap?
me: [buttering the cat] We’re not made of money, Karen
Feeling so jealous of the students in stone age. They didn’t have to study history too much because nothing had happened yet.
A smoke detector, but with voice recognition, that will turn off when you yell, “I’m just cooking”
lawyer: just say you were with a friend
me: ok
[later]
cop: where were you that night?me: robbing the house *winking at my lawyer* with my friend
how about a smoke detector that can tell the difference between me cooking bacon and my house being engulfed in flames
Once in third grade I karate kicked at a popular girl because she was making fun of me and my shoe flew off and went directly into her mouth. So, yes, I guess you could say I know a thing or two about martial arts.
Throwing it back to 3 weeks ago today, when I came home for lunch…and I’m still here.
[on the way home]
Me: I have some tea to share with you
13, looking super confused: can, can I have it?
Me: no, tea as in like gossip
13: what, what brand is that?
I tried giving a gentle reminder to my kids about cleaning their rooms, but a megaphone works much better.
Winning an argument on Twitter is the same as being rich in Monopoly.
A conversation with your ex is a great way to clear the air, set aside hard feelings, and remind yourself why you drink.
Writing tip: Read all your writing aloud to yourself, having first made a pentagram on the floor in salt. A demon should form in the pentagram. Give him your manuscript and tell him the name of your preferred publisher.
When I get a girlfriend, what do I feed it
i’m really good at reading people’s true feelings from their words. for example, my wife said “i love how you’ll just leave the dirty dishes in the sink and wait for me to do them,” but i was able to determine that she does not, in fact, love that
[going to bed]
Wife: I don’t have to get up so don’t wake me in the morning.
Me: Okay.[5 AM the next morning]
Me [waking wife up]: Hey I forget what you told me to do today.
*phone rings*
Menacing voice: ‘Have you checked the children?’
Me: ‘Could you do it?’
Ate half my sandwich prolly save the other half for later
My 7yo was on FaceTime with her bestie before dinner tonight, and kept muting the mic unless she was talking because I’m “embarrassing” so I’ve got that going for me.
Chin up divorced people; lots of us smug married parents envy your 50/50 custody agreement.
High school never prepared me for how many times I would have to fix a toilet when I grew up.
“A little help here, Danny?”
I never related to movies as a kid. Like in Home Alone when Kevin says to his Mother “I am upstairs you dummy” I couldn’t understand how he was still alive after that.
WIFE: I want a divorce.
ME: Is it because of my small wrists?
WIFE: Yes.
ME: [taking off bracelet] Then take your ring back.
In a parallel universe a group of mystery solving sasquatch teens are unmasking The Velma that’s been chasing them all night.
me: this hotel is $100 per night?
clerk: that’s right
me: how much for just one room
“Dollars to donuts” is my most frequent currency conversion.
The best thing about going to my Parents at the weekend is my Mum’s meatloaf.
She can’t do the voice but she looks just like him.