“Why KFC calling you at 1:36am?
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Husband: *opens the bathroom door and walks out*
Me: *texts him from Target* Turn off the lights and wash your hands!
A spinal surgery practice called Build Back Better.
[Sweden’s famous Ice Hotel]
Vinnie: how are we going to break into the vault?
Donnie: leave it to me *screws silencer onto hairdryer*
How come I can get free wifi with a $3 cup of coffee but I can’t get it with a $150 hotel room?
You can’t begin to imagine what an intolerable burden it is to be cursed with this staggeringly poignant flair for the melodramatic
I just saw a guy with leather pants get out of an IROC-Z. I wanted to say “Welcome to the future, traveler. You’re going to love it here!”
“There are hot Shingles in your area”
– My Doctor
My tinder profile says I’m looking for an
Gemini: Sometimes you are your own worst enemy. Not today though. Today it is Jeff.
Spice up your life. If an insecure person asks if you’re mad at them, always answer “I don’t know.”
“That was supposed to be a compliment.”
-Men
I like that they just call it brown sauce. I mean, can you be a little more vague, please. What the hell’s actually in that stuff?!
I’m opening a restaurant called “It doesn’t matter, whatever you want” since every girl alive wants guys to take them there.
I had a race with a smart car today.
I was winning at first but my God there’s so much I can walk.
Scrolls Twitter
*throws phone in holy water
“I’m in a New York state of mind” ok so you’re just being rude to tourists and eating bagels
[Studying for his history test]
10: I wish I was born in the 1800s
Me: Why?
10: I’d have less history to learn
ALEX TREBEK: in einstein’s famous equation, this is equal to mc²
DOG:
CAT:
DOLPHIN: *furiously clicking buzzer*
My friend’s kid just asked the server for ballsack vinegar and now he’s my favorite person.
OMG. I saw Leonardo da Vinci trending and thought he died.
To be honest, I’m annoyed that my 5th grade curriculum didn’t include a ‘Defense against the dark arts’ class.
[at the zoo]
Llama spits in my face
I spit in llamas face
Llama slaps me
I grab llamas hair
Scuffle ensues
Llamas gf shouts “leave it Gary!”
Wife’s asleep, so while watching TV I apologized to her corner spot on the sofa, for opening the bag of chips during key scenes
Just told my son to “wipe that smile off your face” and I swear I heard my dad laughing from 3,000 miles away
Son of Sam I Am, a serial killer who targets people who won’t try new foods.
Wife: *glares* “Do you think you’re funny?”
Me: “Yes.”
W:
M:
W:
Me: “I mean no.”
W:
M: “How many guesses do I get?”
Guy in the parking lot tried to sell me a “Rolex” watch. I should probably change because I must look stupid today.
This is the dumbest end of the world ever.
At the beginning of the week our boss told us to not talk this week because ownership was visiting which is insane but today I learned there was an office pool to see how long before I yapped and it was over $500 I’m reporting the winner to the IRS
Sometimes I get shivers in my spine just thinking about how much tougher Popeye would’ve been if he’d eaten fresh spinach instead of canned.