Why learn a second language, when you don’t have anything interesting to say in your first one?
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You and what army? That should be your first question to the HOA.
TERMINOTOR: come with me if u want to live
ME: ok cool
*just sits there*
TERMINOTOR: COME WITH ME IF–
ME: ya i got it. im good right here
When you’re pushing 40, the real life challenge is to find the pic angle where you don’t look like Jabba the Hut.
Announcer: In one corner, her will to live. In the other corner, her sanity. Let’s get ready to crumblllllllle
me: jim it was a joke
sheriff: [crying at his desk] w-what
me: there isnt a new sheriff in town, this is just a starfish i stuck to my shirt
So, this is hard to say, but: Worcestershire sauce
I would like a refund on this lottery ticket. All of the numbers were wrong.
Went jogging and on the way back had to call an Uber. Faked an ankle injury and prayed it wasn’t the same driver as the last time.
Titanic is my favorite movie about how to get rid of your boyfriend and make it look like an accident.
[job interview for psychic]
INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
ME: Well played.
I thought it was impossible to do 450 push ups in a minute until I discovered lying
If my kids ask, the ice cream container was only half full when I bought it
Hell hath no fury like a little league team when a parent forgets the after-game snack.
I sniffed my work shirt to see if it was too dirty. Unfortunately I work at a chloroform factory and woke up 6 hours late for my shift
friend: wait, so she really left you because of how you pronounce certain words?
me: yeah, so supposebly I pronounce it “expresso” and it makes her exspecially upset, idk
after you pay a bill, the website is like “would you like to make another payment?” and it’s like? um no dude. no, i don’t want to do that. like sorry do you think we’re buddies? “hang out awhile, maybe pay another bill” no dude. we do NOT have that kinda relationship man sorry
First they came for the people who talk just for the sake of talking, and I said Please, take my coworker.
My signature move at family dinners is waiting for someone to put their drink down at the table & then moving it when they go to the buffet.
As I sit in this coffee shop practicing for my Sign Language final it occurs to me, all of these people probably think that I’m talking to myself.
ME: I dislike myself
THERAPIST: That’s quite common
ME: Really?
THERAPIST: Yes, for example, I don’t like you
[dog people] here’s my angel Rex! he knows 19 tricks & brings me my slippers every morning!
[cat people] this is Princess Murder who lets me live with her.she pees on everything i love. her interests include screaming & eating bugs. when she asks me to kill for her i will say yes
Son: I need a suit for Pledge Night at the Fraternity.
Me: I’ll take you suit shopping.
[suit shopping]
Me [realizing the cheapest suit is $700]: Can’t you just wear a toga?
If you like the song “Red Red Wine” then U B 40.
I’m married, so I recorded the last time I had sex 4 years ago, I’ll open the windows at 3 am and play it to impress the neighbors.
Boss: you’re late
Me: I know, and I’ve decided to keep it. See you in court
Boss: I hate you
If you just hang in there life gets really good by episode 4000
My 7yo asked “why doesn’t mommy eat ice cream?” And my husband and I laughed and laughed and laughed because every night after the kids go to sleep I eat a giant mug full of ice cream.
This was the very first time she’s appeared to be impressed by me.
I don’t know how he put it in from that angle, but I liked it.
-me watching hockey
Having kids is great because you get to ask fun questions like why is there a volleyball in the refrigerator?