Why learn a second language, when you don’t have anything interesting to say in your first one?
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[inventing vampire weaknesses]
writer 1: *stoked* ok sunlight, they can only come out at night
writer 2: nice how about crucifixes?
writer 1: ooh yea and holy water!
writer 2: we’re crushing this
[5 hours later]
writer 1: uhh they have to be invited inside
writer 2: garlic
70% of the Earth’s surface is oceans. The rest is split between car dealerships and a Costco parking lots.
Get pissed all you want but if we brought a screaming baby into your workplace you would ask us to leave it outside too.
[prison riot]
me: here comes the tickle monster!!
[gets stabbed 100 times]
Me: *completes lifestyle questionnaire*
Life expectancy app: Well, this is awkward.
Sometimes I’m playing a dangerous game like Halo & people ask if I get scared but honestly no, your training just takes over
Falling in love is like Falling Ketchup from a Bottle.
At first slowly, and then all at once.*The fault in our Jars*
Husband: On top of spaghetti, all covered with cheese.
Me: *heavy breathing* Keep going.
A drivers license is basically just a selfie with way too much info.
Norwegian chickens be like Bgårk
“I love potatoes in my mouth!!”
Ok, yes kid, we all do but you gotta be way more chill about it
My new monthly budget
Gas $0
Clothes $0
Entertainment $0
Food $1500
Alcohol $1000
Por…. uhhh entertainment $500
[Playing House]
Child: You can be the kid and I’ll be Dad.
Me: Bills are due, dinner needs cooked, and your boss needs that presentation done by tomorrow.
Child: …
Me: What?
Child: That doesn’t sound very fun.
Me: Can’t hear you; busy playing Minecraft.
You call it the Friend Zone. I call it Palcatraz.
A cabbage a day keeps people away.
Wishing a much deserved truly blessed day to my Instacart shopper who just told me she’s EGGCITED to get started on my order and for me to ROMAINE calm in case any items are out of stock, absolutely masterful, no notes
I wish they sold off-brand cars.
I’d get me a Joop
doctor: im afraid u only have a few minutes left to live
me: [sobs] oh my god are u sure
doctor: [pulls out gun] im totally sure
“Right, whose round is it?”
Translation: It is not my round and I know whose round it is.
Everyone’s AVI – Sorry. This is the absolute best I can look. I’m actually suspended upside down in this shot and I rented a wind machine.
Mocking commerce students is all fun and games until you realise you have no financial knowledge and you make arguments like “uBeR hAS a nEt WoRtH oF 100B$”.
*wakes up*
*frantically searches the bed for the donut I was eating in my dream*
First day of my levitation course today, and I went straight to the top of the class.
nfts were less about the money and more about the friends you scammed along the way.
My 5-year-old was pretend playing and she said to herself, “I’m super old, I’m 36” And I sent her to her room because the disrespect.
Me: I’ve joined a 12-step program.
Friend: That’s great. What are you trying to get off of?
Me: The treadmill very quickly
The three things Im grateful for:
1. Family
2. Friends
3. Caller ID to avoid family and friends.
Evelyn says Betty’s Daughter is a lesbian but I’ve never noticed an accent.
Damn I went from ‘I miss the bird songs’ to ‘all right that’s a lot of chatter for 5 am’ pretty quick