Why learn a second language, when you don’t have anything interesting to say in your first one?
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*Goes to bakery to try wedding cake samples*
Baker: “When is your wedding?”
Me: *with mouthful of cake*
“What wedding?”
Nothing makes you regret an outfit choice faster than when you see teens looking at you and whispering.
6 year old: Mommy, take a picture of me and post it on Amazon.
Don’t tempt me kid.
NURSE: *bursts in* Dr., come quick!
DR DOG: CHRIST, JULIE! Don’t you knock?!?
*hides magazine of sexy Labradoodles being sprayed with hoses*
I don’t know why people get mad when someone uses their driveway to turn around. You get to feel the rage of someone dropping by unexpectedly followed by the orgasmic relief of them leaving.
Yelling at the kids to get ready for bed 35 minutes after I already put them to bed is how I function on cold medicine.
The cool thing about fall is that you completely forget your windows are open when you start losing your shit.
Like, “Hey everyone. Please enjoy the sweet sound of dysfunction radiating from our humble abode.”
Slot twist: That USB drive goes in the other way. Turn it over
“shaved carrots instead of cheese” lol okay Vogue thanks for the diet advice those totally taste the same
I can’t wait to hear Billy Joel’s song about 2020!
Cndnsd Mlk
*Ancient Egypt*
Me: My abacus won’t work
IT: Hit giant eye + guy holding snakes + big ass bird
Me: Nothing
IT: Okay, reset *shuffles abacus*
Me driving at night:
I hope this is the road!
Looking for my glasses that my 5yo hid, but not having much success because I CAN’T FIND MY GLASSES.
Scientology, because even Jehovah Witnesses need something to laugh at after a hard day of knocking on doors.
“what’s something you’d tell your younger self?” you can have ice cream for dinner, nobody will stop you
God: did you name the 2 moons of Mars?
angel: yes, Phobos & Deimos
[turns to 2nd angel]
God: and, what did you name earth’s moon?
angel 2: oh! ummm? the…Moon 🤷♂️
My personal trainer and my marriage counselor have vastly differing opinions on how many “cheat days” I am allowed each month.
Me: Don’t you talk to me like you are paying me for what I do
Boss:
Boss: But I am paying you for what you do!
Me: What did I just say!!
Just ate at a Japanese restaurant and the entire staff was Hispanic. I don’t know what is real anymore!
ME: you said I could have anything I wanted for my last meal
WARDEN [bottom lip trembling]: but my wife made these sandwiches for me
@owenbroadcast Sometimes I’ll go to small towns and just stand there in a flannel shirt just in case I’m in a Hallmark movie
“you shouldn’t block people for differing political views” i’ve blocked people for calling a song i like a skip
Sorry I was late for geometry class, I got on the rhombus
“We’re going to a school presentation tonight, ok?”
My kid: “I love presents.”
It’s like my grandpa always said: make all your decisions based on the outcome of social media polls.
Waiter: Here is your salmon.
Me: I didn’t order this
Waiter: it’s from the gentleman at the bar
*I look over at the bar and a grizzly bear winks and lifts his glass*
Nurse: Know your blood type?
Me: Type-O
N: That’s good!
M: Not really. Makes me spell everything wrong. ZING!
N: Get out
M: Fair enough
Seeing a woman drinking, smoking, and gambling while in her wedding dress makes me realize I need to up my multi-tasking game.