Why learn big words when you can fabricaciously inventify them?
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Nowadays you can post your opinions instantly. Used to be, if you got riled up by a troubadour’s ballad you had to weave a whole tapestry about it
Me: I love peanuts but can’t be bothered chewing them.
Peanut butter salesman: Oh boy, have I got the thing for you!
Apparently “I don’t like scary movies,” is not an appropriate response to being asked to watch a wedding video.
When I said I was a “first responder” I meant that I am quick to send the thumbs up emoji in the family text thread.
Just saw an ambulance pull into a cemetery, like dude, you’re too late.
NEW YORKERS: we need more housing
DEVELOPERS: you mean, like, little baby apartments?
NEW YORKERS: no, real housing
DEVELOPERS: we made the little baby apartments.
NEW YORKERS:
DEVELOPERS: you cannot afford them.
NEW YORKERS:
DEVELOPERS: they are “luxury” 😆
I have a problem with gingerbread people living in houses made of their flesh, but I promised not to bring it up and ruin Christmas again this year.
Steering date to cheaper “catch of the yesterday” on seafood menu.
If Ann Coulter is tweeting then who’s guarding Azkaban?
Me, responding to an urgent email on Monday morning that I definitely saw on Friday at 4 PM
Siri, tell me what these manicure ladies are saying about me.
Sometimes I think about the time my four year old told me she ate fruit at school and when I asked her what kind she said flamangos.
If money can’t buy happiness what do you pay a hitman with?
I love Kit Kats the most whenever there aren’t three other people around.
*goes to wedding*
*gives the couple 2 coupons for a free Big Mac as their wedding gift*
*walks away feeling really good about this decision*
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He was allergic to bees. His shoes smelled like old bananas.
So hot these last few days I’ve consumed 1,473,968 gallons of water and only peed 3 times
I don’t understand why people want a sandwich after sex. I just want my money back.
5yo: Can you cut this apple differently than how you normally do?
Me: *cuts it differently*
5yo: *doesn’t eat apple*
Me: Why aren’t you eating it?
5yo: Because it’s not the same!
I made a huge to do list for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.
Jesus only had 12 followers, also one sold him out to die and another unfollowed Him right before He died. So I guess I’m not doing too bad.
outlook: I’m the most powerful office tool ever made. I can search every email you’ve ever received and keep track of the meetings you have six months from now
me: I would like to still view an attachment after someone replies to the email
outlook: [confused hissing]
“those tattoos will make it harder to get a job” ok well so will my personality.
I still lie about my age when asked. But, instead of shaving years off, I now add years on. If you tell someone you’re 66, they generally just nod in reaction. But, if you tell them you’re 73, you stand a very good chance of hearing, ‘Wow! You look great for 73!’
When improv teams ask for suggestions, I like to yell “Learn a trade before your father cuts you off financially!”
Walmart keeps two elderly people on staff at all times: one to greet you, and one to walk slowly in front of you on the way out.
I’d have murdered my husband years ago, but the only place w/ more laundry than my house is prison.
Social media is great. Before Facebook I’d never know what the girl who wrote “dirty Jew” on my 8th grade locker was thankful for this year.
The age-old question ….
Are we alone ?Of course we’re not.
There are 320 million other
idiots on Twitter besides us.
I’d be a terrible masseuse. After 5 minutes, I’d be like, “Okay, my turn.”