Why learn big words when you can fabricaciously inventify them?
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Logged into Facebook.
‘Happiness is like a butterfly….’
Logged out of Facebook.
your stripper name is the first two words you see in a newspaper headline while on the phone with your wife pretending to be an old British woman so you can be her nanny and spend more time with your kids
The funniest part about The Bachelor is the participants actually think being married is a prize.
certified hallow’s eve classic
Little straws like capri sun but for Taco Bell hot sauce packets.
Jumping outta trees onto unsuspecting joggers
VOICEMAIL: I’m sorry I can’t come to the phone right now, my toddler typed the wrong password 200 times so I can’t try again until next year
I’ll interrupt important meetings with random dance-offs against the superintendent, just to remind him who really runs the prison.
*Food arrives*
*Waits 3 days*
*Slowly takes bite of food*
*Waitress appears from under the table in camouflage*
HOW IS EVERYTHING??
me when someone’s obsessed with me: yikes
me when someone’s not obsessed with me: wtf
My personal trainer at the gym told me I need to start working on my upper body strength. I told him to just open the damn pickles and STFU.
Girls greet each other normally the way I’d act if I saw a friend who I thought was dead.
Playing mini-golf with your family is a fun way to spend thirty-two dollars to watch your kid throw 18 tantrums in a row.
Instead of getting annoyed, that stranger should have thanked me for tweezing his unruly ear hair.
Sir, those are my emotional support chrome tabs
Server: Everything ok over here?
Me: Yes, thank you.*2 minutes later*
Server: Still doing ok?
Me: Things have taken a dark turn I fear.
Thinking outside the box.. 😅
[1st time eating a lemon] this orange is angry
The neighbors left a perfectly good doll at the curb with their trash and I’ve seen enough horror movies to know to leave it there.
Two gunslingers face each other in the street, waiting to draw. Minutes pass. I’m still obliviously standing between them sipping a Slurpee.
Today it’s going to be really important that you listen well because we have to take a plane, train, and subway—
7yo: did you know if you spin in a circle really fast like this you fall down?
3: mom I did a jump
Me: it was great
3: mom I did a jump
M: you did
3: mom I did a
M: jump yes
3: mom I did a
M: [jumps out window] me too
Instead of cars warning us of stupid things, like the door is open, it should tell us useful things, like there’s a cop hiding in the bushes
Can you imagine the pressure Morgan Freeman’s mom felt reading him a bedtime story?
Not sure video Instagram is a good idea. I’ve never looked at a picture of someone’s dinner and thought, “If only I could hear this.”
I’ve never been an actor before, but every Saturday I go to Costco and act interested about the food they’re selling so I can eat free samples for lunch.
TEACHER: and James, what does your daddy do?
JAMES: he’s a-
ME, still undercover: A DRUG DEALER I’m a drug dealer
I cannot remain silent any longer. It hurts my feelings when Wordle hits me with the “phew” when I get it on the last try.
I love sleeping, mainly because I get a break from sucking my gut in.