Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hear me out, a tattoo that beeps every time you are about to do something you will regret.

best comment I’ve heard when I tell people I’m sober is “eating too much is WAY worse than drinking too much,” but I’ve never known anyone who got a concussion or chlamydia after too many McNuggets

As a child all I wanted was as to be a time traveller like my grandson and his grandson before him.

Therapist: the best revenge is to heal and move on

Me:

Therapist:

Me: are you sure, that doesn’t sound right?

WANTED: Call center workers with very weak english, poor communication skills and short temper needed for major bank. Bonus paid for low IQ.

I forgot my cell phone at home and had to write my grocery list on paper. I shopped with it in my hand like some kind of a carrier pigeon.

Salad is being recalled. Do you know what’s never been recalled? Oreos.

As long as the stupid phrase “interracial relationship” exists, I’m going to refer to same race ones as a “color-coordinated relationship.”

[walks into gym with my sunglasses on]
WHATS UP LADIES
*takes off sunglasses*
damn it 3rd treadmill I’ve hit on this week

[love making]
Her: [leans in] “do that thing you know I like.”
[i cease to exist]
Her: “yeah baby.”

I hope zombies will come from Mexico.
After eating their way through fat Americans, they’ll be like “Sorry little Canadians. We’re full.”

Ten bucks says next year Planet Fitness uses the slogan “Flatten Your Curve.”

There were kids who did cartwheels.
There were kids who didn’t do cartwheels.
There were kids who thought they were doing cartwheels.

Whenever I get sick, I get my immune system drunk so it will fight anything.

Therapist: I think you both suffer from Münchausen syndrome

Hansel and Gretel: [mouths full of gingerbread and gumdrops] why?

[choosing a daycare: first child]

Wife: what certifications do your employees have? what curriculum do you use?

Me: do your cameras have any blind spots?

[choosing a daycare: second child]

Wife: do you have any openings?

Me: what’s the latest we can pick them up?

My 3yo niece wants dead grapes.

Raisins, she wants raisins.

Me: *Puts up fake Halloween cob webs*
Spider who just woke up from a night of drinking: What the f

“Just circling back on this.”

“Take another lap.”

FRIEND: Women like a little danger.
ME: Okay.
[later on date]
HER: So where are we-
ME: *opening door of moving car* Get out. NOW.

People fear what they don’t understand:

Change
Death
4th grade math word problems

Let he who is without sin cast the first stone if you want babies throwing rocks everywhere. Dangerous.

I was just about to have sex but then a gust of wind blew my condom into a labyrinth and like a fool I ran in to get it

Seize the day! by its legs and lock it in chains. Hold a mock trial, find the day guilty. Behead the day. Bury the day in a nameless grave.

Wife: Don’t you hate when you eat something that’s not very satisfying but it’s too late to eat something else?

Me: Too late?

Elementary schools be like:
It’s Spirit Week!

Monday is crazy hair day
Tues: paint your entire family blue
Wed: construct a Macy’s regulation sized float out of paper maché
Thurs: pledge 100k to the jogathon and earn a high five party
Friday is take your virus to school day

Sex with me is like bowling. Lots of drinking and cursing. Sticking your fingers in weird holes. You have to rent shoes.

Are black guys the ones with big dicks?

Because if so, I think I might be a black guy.

My kids are scream-fighting because one pretend-ate all of the toy food, in case you wanted to know why some parents drink.