Why must a movie be “good” ? Is it not enough to sit somewhere dark and see a beautiful face, huge?
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thinking about this
If you die in a plane crash, you also die in real life. That’s just what I heard.
Boss: We need you to go undercover
Me: No problem I’m great at keeping secrets like when I peed my pants on my first day here
Boss: Today’s your first day
[dumping my father-in-law’s ashes into the trash bin]
wife: I should have been the one to do it
me: just tell him to quit smoking in our house
Nobel prize to the person who invented stretchy clothes
Geppetto: So, I know this is literally the first day you’re alive, but Imma need you to go to school
Pinocchio: WTF, dude?
Up until 2013, Pizza Hut was the largest buyer of kale in the US
They used it to decorate their salad bar
Why do they call it shopping for new countertops and not taking me for granite send tweet
Of course I dance like nobody’s looking.
But I also drink like I don’t have to work in the morning.
her: [during roleplay] come get me
me: [struggling to get up with my ninja turtle shell on] no you get me
A lot of parenting includes slow blinking at your child when they do something stupid while you mutter to yourself that they take after your spouse.
Who’s drunk
*raises leg
girls will be like “this is my comfort movie” and it’s texas chainsaw massacre.
Me: *rips pants bending over*
Toddler: Daddy! You’re so strong! You ripped your clothes like Hulk!
Me: Uh. Yep. That’s me. Same thing. Just like the Hulk. Indistinguishable.
Toddler: *proudly tells everyone I’m like the Hulk because I rip my pants all the time*
Me: *dies*
Manslaughter: I always used to read it as ‘man’s laughter’.
Seems oddly appropriate for someone who’s got away with murder…
I have an extensive library of over 2,000 classic, important books just in case you have a question about the first 54 pages of one of them.
My kid talks a lot of shit for someone who still has to sometimes call for help because he fell into the toilet while pooping.
At urgent care with my 8yo
Nurse: is she allergic to anything?
8yo (child of a lawyer): We don’t know because I haven’t tried everything.😆
(May have a sprained or broken foot 🤪)
My neighbours probably think I’m getting laid, but these are just the sounds I make whenever I take my socks off.
not taking the vaccine in case there’s a U2 album in it
To the goth guy in my college dining hall who always ate waffles: I’m sorry I only knew you as “Waffle Goth.” You were surely more complex.
I’m sorry, but nothing is topping this 😭
When you’re here for the treats.
There should be an Olympic event that requires participants to remove a single cube from an ice cube tray.
You really only have 2 options:
1. You can be miserable bc you’re fat
2. You can be miserable bc you’re hungry
Took my toddler for a long walk like a goddamned super mom…lost his stroller in the creek like the mom I actually am.
[Parisian restaurant, breakfast]
Me: I hear you do the best toasted Cheese & Ham here
Server: That’s a croque monsieur
M: Oh that’s a shame, I’ll have a croissant instead then please
Do you people like your catfish battered and deep fried?
Bed Bath & Beyond starts off pretty normal-sounding, but then it goes galactic.