Why must a movie be “good” ? Is it not enough to sit somewhere dark and see a beautiful face, huge?
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does the “apple a day keeps the doctor away” thing work on all types of doctors? my neighbor is a PhD in marine biology and keeps trying to talk to me about the various uses of squid ink
Everyone hates big pharma until they have a headache.
*fills the ice tray once*
I’M THE ONLY ONE WHO DOES ANYTHING IN THIS PLACE
*pulling shredded cheese out of the bag one by one* they fw me they fw me not
I remember the first time I saw a universal remote control. I thought to myself, “Wow this changes everything.”
pet shop clerk: “hey there! what can i getcha”
Jafar: “i want the most malicious parrot you have”
Cucumbers Anonymous
[jungle book]
bagheera: “you can’t fight him like a wolf, you’re NOT a wolf, fight him like a man”
mowgli: [writes a strongly worded e-mail]
Luke: Did you get the card I made you?
Vader: I couldn’t read it. Your handwriting is awful.
Luke: I HAD TO WRITE WITH MY LEFT HAND.
The difference between a songbird and a hummingbird is that one of them knows the lyrics.
Pilot [over intercom]: This is your captain speaking, since you are here for 14 hours anyway, here is the first season of my podcast.
Every time my wife makes asparagus I think she’s trying to catch me peeing in the shower.
£900 pound for an iPhone 6?
Airplane mode better take me on holiday
Watching married couples argue in Bed Bath & Beyond is my Game of Thrones.
My boss was all, “Do you know why I called you to the office, ” and I was like, “I dunno is there a hidden security camera in the bathroom.”
Interviewer: Why did you apply for this job?
Me: Because being broke and homeless didn’t really call out to me.
Every BBC series about the universe.
Every time I go to Baskin-Robbins their hamburger machine is broken.
You can tell how much it’s going to cost you by the way your teenager sounds:
Mum! = £2 for an ice cream
Muuuum 🙂 = £50 for pointless trainers
Hello mummy, you look pretty today = remortgage the house
me: everything has bluetooth these days
dentist: no ya that’s not normal
Child: I’m scared.
Me: What? Why?
Child: I heard a cat screaming outside my window.
Me: It’s okay. Sometimes they do that when they are in heat.
Child: What does that mean?
Me:
Child:
Me: Well, when-
Wife [running in from other room]: IT’S WHEN THE CAT IS REALLY HOT
If you are farther than me in candy crush I will automatically think you are smarter than me.
If you watch The Matrix backwards, a young man slowly comes down from a wild acid trip before returning to his low-level tech job.
Me: *curling my hair*
Olympic committee: That’s impressive, but not exactly what we are looking for.
toothpaste ads are like do you want your teeth to look so good it makes your friends feel like shit? and ppl be like hell yeah i do
The 250 million year old Himalayan salt I bought expires in November 2018
Unsuspecting male: So what kind of restaurants do you like?
Me: Open ones.
There’s a button on this hotel phone that says, “Pizza”.
I may never leave.
Mumford & Sons! It’s your cousin, Marvin. Marvin & Sons. You know that new sound you’re looking for? *holds phone to a boiling pot of water*
Probably the hardest part about being God is deciding between two equally terrible youth soccer teams that have just prayed to win.