Why must a movie be “good” ? Is it not enough to sit somewhere dark and see a beautiful face, huge?
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Two ill-tempered people return from a fractious trip to the grocery store, driving through an Old Testament downpour, and neither having changed the battery in the garage door opener.
Your prospects for a pleasant day are excellent because they have absorbed all the anger in…
I hate when there’s a knock on your door and you open the door and it’s someone.
[in car with wife]
“did you take $20 from my purse?”
*sips $3 coffee* no
*gets rear ended and $17 worth of sour candy falls out of glovebox*
So I ate some gummy bears.
Turns out they were my sisters “Happy” bears with 15mg each.
I ate exactly 37…
[marriage counseling]
prince eric: i just feel like the communication is lacking
ariel [frantically gesturing at legs and mouth]: Mm hm HM hm hm MM
Been unable to sell my house for over a decade because I’d rather tell prospective buyers it’s haunted than admit I can’t hang pictures straight.
Wife holding bank statement: What’s this payment?
Me: we’re sponsoring a panda!
W: so is this monthly?
M: No, it’s just for the one skydive
“When one door closes, another one opens.” -Boeing
Oh, your kid is in all honors courses. That’s cool. Well, my kids are learning from real life experiences like why we don’t put forks in the microwave.
We carpeted our bathroom last night. My kid covered the entire floor with towels before their bath so same thing.
LUKE: any weekend plans?
OTHER JEDI: I’m probably gonna do yoga
LUKE: omg I have to warn him
TAYLOR SWIFT: I knew you were trouble when you walked in
ME (wearing ski mask and holding up gun): what gave it away?
i lost so much hair in the shower i thought Chewbacca had joined me
I don’t use dating sites, I meet girls the old fashioned way: never
People immediately behave better in traffic once they notice the Elf on the Shelf tied to my grille.
Drop a house on me, so I know it’s real
My workout goals are simple: I’d just like to be able to get up off the floor without looking like a turtle trying to flip itself back over.
I’m pretty sure M. Night Shyamalan is directing 2020.
5yo after licking my face: “Sorry. My mouth meant to kiss you but my brain told me to lick you.”
Alien: This is candy corn?
Me: Yeah
A: But it doesn’t look like-
Me: I know
A: And it tastes like-
Me: I know
A: So this is kinda like grape soda
Me: There ya go
7-year-old: I jumped in a puddle and almost drowned!
Me: You’re exaggerating.
7: It was in that puddle you always complain about.
Okay, it might have been deep enough.
It’s normal for married couples to fight. The trick is for you and your spouse to find a couple you can easily beat up.
Remember, kids: Never get in cars with strangers unless you’ve used an app to select a specific stranger to drive you around in their car
[Going through customs]
Anything to declare, sir?
1…2…
Sir, what are you–
3…4…I declare a thumb war!
Oh bring it on
*misses flight*
My wife’s favorite position is where I’m bent over the kitchen sink doing the dishes.
Ice cream employee: I didn’t know you had kids! You always come in by yourself.
Kids: WHAT?! MOM!It’s like she didn’t want a tip.
If couples who are in love are called love birds, then really, couples who always fight should be called angry birds!
Sorry I commented on that video of your kid taking his first steps with “aw look you taught it how to walk on its hind legs!”
364 DAYS: Astrology’s silly and baseless and I’m not a conceited Leo at all
ON MY BIRTHDAY: It’s still baseless but please worship me today
Who the hell is responsible for the abbreviation of “pounds?”