Why must I prove that I am me to pay my bills over the phone?
Do strangers call to pay my bills?
And if they do, why don’t you let them?
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They should make a sister store to “Forever 21” called “So Now You’re 35” where you can buy sensible pants and soft sweaters & take naps.
SOMEONE PARKED IN MY SPOT AT WORK. THAT’S IT. I’M GOING HOME.
If I saw an elephant in the room, that’s ALL I’d be talking about.
opening and closing my bank account like I do the fridge hoping things will improve
He’s making a list, he’s checking it twice, he’s leaving the store, he still forgot milk
Back to the Future IV: Marty Mcfly stops being obsessed with his own family and goes back in time to kill Hitler.
SECURITY GUARD: “Sir, I have to check all backpacks”
ME: “ok”
*opens backpack*
*its full of hundreds of tiny backpacks*
I often choose gift bags instead of wrapping, not just out of laziness, but also because I have the fine motor skills of a drunken panda.
no one:
no one:
8: if there is a Hell, I’d like to take a tour
“My safe word was Worcestershire.”
— A ghost
BABY BOSS: we need to talk about your work ethic
ME: *covers face with hands*
BABY BOSS: oh guess he’s out for lunch. I’ll talk to him later
coworker: hey circling back on that thing we talked about in december
me: stop living in the past
As suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden.
The plot thickens.
Google assistant rules
the sandworm from dune has arrived on the red carpet
I was looking up Licking County Animals (in Ohio) because they have a litter of hound puppies I wanted to share but let’s just say puppies weren’t in the results.
pretty sure no other member of my family knows we own a dishwasher
Doctor: You should eat more greens
Cannibal: [thumbs through phonebook]
8:23am: *calls mom, no answer*
8:57am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:12am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:26am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:27am: *takes a shower*
9:33am: *27 missed calls from mom*
9:34am: *calls mom, no answer*
I have complicated opinions on the death penalty. I think it’s wrong but I also think that owners of cash-only establishments should get it.
I don’t understand why people want a sandwich after sex. I just want my money back.
One of many embarrassing moments for me was when someone told me that they were an equestrian and I asked how was Ecuador this time of the year
Million dollar idea: A nightclub for middle aged people with lots of chairs.
first person to peel a carrot: this needs to be slightly smaller
I think with my tax refund this year I’ll buy a commercial freezer because the bodies keep falling out of the smaller ones and it scares the dog.
wasn’t it like… bad on that boat?
At my age, you check a friend’s FB page to make sure they’re still alive before wishing them a happy birthday.
“You’re more likely to be killed in a car wreck than eaten by a shark.”
The shark made a convincing argument, so I got out of the cage.
Revenge sounds so mean-spirited and hurtful. I prefer to think of it as returning the favor.
Sometimes when I’m sitting in a swivel chair, I’ll turn around quickly and smile and pretend I’m in the opening credits of a sitcom