Why must I prove that I am me to pay my bills over the phone?
Do strangers call to pay my bills?
And if they do, why don’t you let them?
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It doesn’t require opening the fridge door three times if you’re really hungry, you’ll find what you want the first time.
According to my fitness app, I ate 5 miles of Chicken Parm
My security system is just a bunch of my unpaid bills taped to my front door
Can you imagine how awkward it would be if your pet went on your phone and found the 1000s of pictures you have of them sleeping
I bring a box of bandaids with me to sprinkle about the pool to keep it from getting too crowded
What’s the best martial art to teach a child? Nothing too aggressive; I just want my son to be able to defend himself. He’s 8 months old
I’m not doubting that you’re 1/8th Pond People, but this is a research paper. You can’t cite “BOG WISDOM”
[explaining fingernails to an alien]
ME: like little bones that grow out of our hands.
ALIEN: ok, that sounds fake, but ok.
Ordered a takeaway and the driver forgot my milkshake, I asked for a refund on the delivery app and it’s asking for a picture of the missing milkshake… I-
Wife: What were the exact years of the Hundred Years War?
Me: Don’t know. Just Google it.
W: Geez, when did people stop using their brains?
M: Don’t know. Just Google it.
Breathe in deeply, eat a rotisserie chicken, breathe out.
Just killed an ant and I feel like for the sake of gender equality I need to kill an uncle now.
[ gets death tarot card ]
me: i’ve heard it’s really not that bad
blackjack dealer: seems kinda bad
4yo: What do you love most in the world?
Me: You & your brother
4yo: Oh
Me: What about you?
4yo: The fire tree in Plants vs. Zombies
Me: Oh
[at a dive bar]
Friend: Look, I know you’re disappointed, but we should at least have one drink.
Me: *wearing flippers, a wetsuit and a snorkle* I’d like to leave, please.
Benedict Cumberbatch sounds like the fake name someone called Ben would give when he realised halfway through that giving his real name would be a bad idea.
cw: (hanging up the phone) never get married.
me: why?
cw: that was my husband. he called to tell me about the gold panning kit he just bought on amazon.
Check out the legs on this baby
Had trouble sleeping today. They added a trumpeter to this morning’s church service.
Some of my best friends are shaped like pills.
“Installing this app on a smartphone or tablet will mean everyone in the house can easily adjust the thermostat.”
Dads in unison: “Nooooo!”
My 4 year old kid doesn’t have an imaginary friend, he has an imaginary boss. He takes imaginary phone calls from his imaginary boss and has one-sided, exasperated conversations. We asked him once if his boss had a name and without missing a beat he said “Johnson.”
Well it happened. My girlfriend walked in and caught me watching Spongebob
[tinder first date]
her: oh. I saw your profile picture holding the fish. I just assumed…fish: yeah this happens a lot
When the client says “make it pop”, I can’t help but wonder if it’s my sanity or the website design they’re talking about.
I wonder who the sorting hat will choose as the new Pope.
me: the most realistic movie i could ever watch would be one where the main character in a big city has to park their car about seven or eight blocks away from the building they’re going to
my priest, about to give me communion: is there another religion you can join?
Um, doctor? This degree on your wall is from Whatsamatta U. I don’t think that’s a…
Doctor: *looking at x-rays* MY GOD! YOU HAVE NO SKIN!
My parents: we have something to tell you
Me: ok
Parents: remember when wesaid your dog went to live on a farm
Me: Ya, muffin
Parents: well that didn’t actually happen
Me: oh no
Parents: he was actually arrested for smuggling fentanyl into the country in shipping containers