Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Everyone said I couldn’t do poetry because of my dyslexia…

But I’ve already made a vase, a kettle, and a jug. Showed em.

Still boggled by the people I know who are going out to bars saying “we can defeat this if we’re not afraid” and I’m like “this isn’t Pennywise it’s a PANDEMIC”

ME: [knocks on neighbors door] I think I ran over your cat.

NEIGHBOR: What did the cat look like?

ME: *making face like I’m screaming* Like that.

My wife left me by doing the “stairs behind the sofa” thing and never came back

I went to the zoo and saw a piece of toast in a cage. The sign said BREAD IN CAPTIVITY.

I’m buying more booze than ever these days. Wonder if I need an intervention. I’d hate to become a shopaholic.

space horror is the best horror. what’s out there? no one knows! big rocks. creepy things. sticky things. math! stuff on fire. big holes. big holes with math in them.

Two crows fall in love, move in together, start a family.

The perfect murder.

Let us pray for my Facebook friend who not only has a headache, but her bus is running a bit late too. 

My wife: “Do you even like writing?”

Me: “I like having written.”

My 4yo held up her toy phone and announced she had “an important call to make.”

So I made sure to stay really quiet for a min because, respect.

Then I blasted the TV, begged for snacks, slammed doors & screamed “NOOOO” because, retribution.

What idiot called him Steve Jobs instead of Mac Daddy

[watching The Silence of the Lambs]

Me: Hear that?

Her: No

Me [trying to impress her, leaning in close]: That’s the lambs

It’s finally mandatory for people to stay 6 feet away from me.

Son, I’ve made some questionable decisions in life & I must go away for awhile to face the consequences.

How I tell my 5yo I’m off to poop

[hearing news of an apocalyptic asteroid] best put the car in the garage

When the world gets you down, always remember that only idiots get cheered up by cheap philosophical bullshit and you’re better than that.

my sister: snowboards
my brother: skateboards
me: charcuterie boards

My kid’s high school did a random search of all the lockers today and guess who’s teenager stood in front of her locker and yelled, “SHOW ME THE WARRANT!!”

me: are you guys going to publish my book on negotiating

publisher: no

me: ok

DATE: …so that’s how I ended up at Harvard Law!
ME: Sometimes I make a fruit salad in my mouth by biting into different kinds of fruit LOL

When a child loses a tooth, some parents put a dollar under their pillow. Other parents leave a book called, “Your Disintegrating Body.”

I had the head of the Civil Aviation Authority in my office earlier. I guess that’s what happens if you forget to duck when getting out a helicopter.

Birds do it/Bees do it/Even educated fleas do it/Let’s do it/Let’s make people super nervous anytime we’re in their personal space

Don’t worry, men. Women can’t tell women to calm down either.

Accidentally used the dog’s shampoo today, and I’m feeling like such a good girl.

boss: you’re late

me: I broke down on the way here

boss: did they tow your car?

me: car?

Me: I want a raise
Boss: ok and why do you think you deserve a raise?
Me: that’s not what I said

I’m so poor I can only afford Middle Ramen.

The cartoon character I most resemble is Jessica Rabbit.

I’m kidding, it’s Betty Boop.

Okay, Hello Kitty.

Fine. Miss Piggy.

Ursula.