Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

50 hot dogs in a year? Those are January numbers bud

judge: my god
divorce lawyer whispers to my wife: we got him

A guy with a sense of humor that matches mine will always get my attention.

(Inventing bathroom stalls)

Guy: should the door touch the ground

Other guy: how would we see their shoes?

I used to think alcohol silenced the voices in my head until I realised it had just moved them to my mouth.

I’ve decided to stop using ladders. Put it down to “climb it change.”

I take issue with furniture that deliberately moves 1 inch when you’re in a rush to get by.

Me: I’m meal planning. Is candy corn allowed on keto?

Keto: Please leave our cult.

Why do cannibals never eat rich kids?

Because they’re spoiled

ME: *scattering remains* He loved this park.

PARK RANGER: But…but he hasn’t been cremated!

ME: *lowering axe* Cremated?

Welcome to your 40s, your level of cleaning is directly related to whether your guest can see without readers.

Me: Hey Google Home.
GH: You can call me Google.
Me: *batting my lashes* My, you certainly do move fast.

For a gentleman, Shakespeare really knew how to spread those thy’s.

Still writing HBO Max on my checks

Last night my wife asked me to grab her keys out of her purse, but instead I found 3 Tupperware lids, 2 socks & a third kid we didn’t know we had

[Cops break down door]
Gang Leader: How did you find us?

Cop: One of you left prints all over the scene.

Me: *Licking Cheeto dust off fingers* My bad.

my biggest fear is waking up and being in the renaissance era or something. imagine having the knowledge of hotdogs but lacking the tools to make them

having sarcastic kids is great cause they make you laugh but also piss you off.

I just got a headache from bending down but yeah, age is just a number.

‘Toddler’ is such a funny term. At no other age do we identity someone by the way they walk. “My slouchy strider got detention today.” “My hunched shuffler keeps forgetting to take his meds.”

Me: kill me now!

Murderer, from behind curtain: i was going to surprise you

I think Jesus would have killed it at water skiing

Every time I go down the village there’s one less child and one more goose and I think we really need to make more ‘Do Not Drink’ warning signs for the cursed well.

How do mathematicians plot their leg day workouts?

With quad-ratic equations.

Hubby has an alarm app where you can record your own sounds or music to wake up to. I just changed his to “THE HOUSE IS ON FIRE!!!”

[At a One Direction concert]
No, I’m not a…I SAID NO I’M NOT A BIG ONE DIRECTION FAN I JUST HATE MYSELF AND FEEL THE NEED TO SELF PUNISH

Ever look in a mirror wondering about the stranger staring back & then realize it’s your neighbor’s window and they’re calling the cops?

Dance like no one is watching.
Sing like no one is listening. A
Eat salty food like your blood pressure cuff is broken.

“Mind control agents in chem trails sounds crazy? That’s EXACTLY what the govt wants”

Bride: I shouldn’t have let you write your own vows