[parking garage]
FBI: got the file?
Me: [attempts to whistle but spits on Agent]
FBI: for the last time that’s not Whistleblowing
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Whoever asked how can 2022 be any worse than the last couple of years, you jinxed the world. And now I’m coming for you.
Precious was concerned about how long it was taking to make a snack choice.
Rededicate Christopher Columbus statues to the Chris Columbus who directed Mrs. Doubtfire
Me: If you can’t wear white after Labor Day why do people dress up as ghosts for Halloween?
Waiter: I meant any questions about our menu.
Money’s missing from under my pillow, I think I’ve been visited by the teef fairy.
Modded the new Gran Turismo
Me in my 20’s: I graduated with honors
Me in my 40’s: I beat Waze to work
I named a large spider I saw today in my bedroom “Cotton Eye Joe” because Where’d you come from. Where’d you go.
This Thanksgiving, take a break from arguing with people online and do it in person.
Call your dad now and ask him what the wifi password is so he has time to find the little paper it’s written on before Thanksgiving.
“I think I’m falling for you.”
-replacement skydivers
Some woman at my office just said Star Trek when we were all talking about Star Wars and now our IT guy is refusing to fix her computer.
They say the best part of having sex with a mom are the snacks after, but you have to earn that. If the sex is mediocre you’re getting a glass of water and a little box of raisins.
i had the idea to smash a lightbulb and a bunch of broken glass appeared above my head
host: welcome to Are You Faster Than a 5th Grader.
me: faster?
Braden: [has a chainsaw]
[a guy is playing acoustic guitar at a local pub]
Me: do you take requests?
Him: yes!
Me: can you stop playing?
ME: One time I was attacked by a shark
REPORTER: Wow! [turns on recorder] tell us what it was like
ME [leans in to mic] A massive fish
what’s wrong, babe, you’ve hardly played your juitar
Perhaps nothing is more overrepresented in film than snow globes.
*puts crime-scene photos in a rocket*
Ok stand back
“Detective, what are u doing?”
What does it look like, I’m launching this investigation
My wife was going to make pancakes. Then she wasn’t. Then she was. Then wasn’t. Then was. Now it looks like she’s just waffling.
If you encounter a bear in the woods, stand perfectly still and try to look like kale.
Salesman: This model corners really well
Car: *backs me into an alley and takes my lunch money*
Pro tip: Do your makeup before you start drinking.
all my dance moves look like i’m trying to tell the guy on first base to steal second
To kill a French vampire you need to drive a baguette through its heart. Sounds easy but the process is painstaking.
Cookie Monster: C is for cookie, that’s good enough for me
Spelling bee judge: You have to do the whole word
Walmart customers are classless.
You shouldn’t drink Cabernet from a Pringle’s can.
Those cans are meant strictly for Pinot Noir.
My wife got an organic, free-range, non-GMO, antibiotic-free turkey for Thanksgiving — and every one of those adjectives added 20 bucks.
I’m just gonna give this to you…and you feel free to do whatever you like with it. Nooooo pressure…
*slides deodorant across the table*