Why my dad got his bald friend contact saved as “Head” in his phone
You Might Also Like
there’s a fly on the ceiling that she can’t reach, so she is intimidating it…with a dissonant chord
To sell their vehicles one company is featuring a heart felt country ballad, “I’ve got a heart like a truck.” So, if you live in the suburbs do you have a heart like a four door sedan?
Jesus: *rises after three days*
God: (while reading newspaper) well look who decided to join us
If I offended anyone in the last 24 hours sorry but I forgot my medication and I ran out or premium beer and my son’s dating a scientologist
surprise your partner in the bedroom by loudly turning into a helicopter
I am absolutely no good at dumping people. I couldn’t even bring myself to switch drycleaners until my old one died…
My evil clone:[pointing to me] Shoot HIM, he’s the clone
Friend:[aims at the clone] The REAL Alex would never pass up an opportunity to die
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
[horse walks into a bar]
Bartender: Why the long face?
H: The world is spiraling down the crapper.
BT: You’re supposed to say-
H: Just pour.
So aliens build high-tech spacecraft & travel thousands of light years just to give random people colonoscopies?
if you’re a shakespeare character your chances of getting mauled by a bear while a clown watches are low but never zero
Happy birthday to all the women
The holidays are always tough on me….
One year for Christmas , I made a gingerbread house that wasn’t up to code & it collapsed on a tiny, little gingerbread family.
Still haunts me.
If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately
You know when motorcyclists give a little wave to each other, I do that when I see someone else eating in their car.
I was just giving my son a mini-lecture on the phone & he did the whole “Oh, you’re breaking up, I can’t hear you” thing.
I hope his new foster family is nice.
You were the one.
Am I supposed to know my own blood type? I don’t even know what types of blood there are
Waitress: *laughs at my husband’s dad joke*
Me: DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHAT YOU HAVE DONE?!
Silly you… one can’t throw out the baby with the bath water. The baby will clog the drain.
hey pregnant lady slowly crossing the street on a green light it’s a baby not a forcefield
Hey u should give your secret boss this Coke. *bottle says “Share a Coke w/ the Drug Maker Guy”* *undercover cop’s fake mustache falls off*
app: do u want me to notify u
me: of what
app: of me
me: i know about u
app: this is to remind u
me: don’t need that
app: ok let’s discuss again later
[adrift at sea]
CLOWN: no worries, we can use this helium canister to propel us to shore
ME: *really squeaky voice* we need a different plan
I decided to beat Black Friday and start my Christmas shopping early.
*Runs Amazon van off the road
Life hack: Asking fellow party guests about their last colonoscopy can be an effective way to avoid future social commitments.
Listen buddy, I don’t know why I’m doing karate in your bedroom either, sometimes things happen
The Grapes of Wrath 2: The Raisins of Revenge
I’ve been waxing my car for twenty years and I still don’t know karate.
*trapped in a sinking car*
I should call 911
*car fills with water*
Ugh I hate phone calls
*head barely above water*
Can I just text them