why neck hurt
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*Rap battle*
Me: *lips on mic* PLEASE STOP DROPPING THE MIC. IT WAS A BIRTHDAY PRESENT FROM MY MOM.
Things toddlers have in common with raccoons:
– make messes they have no intention of cleaning up
– won’t share
– don’t like baths
– bitey
Have kids so you can live in a house full of people who can’t find anything.
I’ve always heard that ignorance is bliss. My question: Exactly, how ignorant do I have to be before I find bliss?
me: *slides $10 to barista* you know what to do
barista: [when my drink is ready] Brad Pitt!
me: oh no i’m not him lol. people confuse us all the time though.
To myself: ” Try and look like you know what you’re talking about in front of the mechanic. You’re a smart woman, don’t play dumb or you’re gonna get ripped off”
Me at the mechanic: “Car vroom sounds tikatikatika. Tee hee” *hands over credit card
Asked my 6-year-old what she wants for Christmas and she said “a toy chicken that’s taller than Anthony” so now I can’t even finish my shopping until I track down this Anthony and find out how tall he is. Why can’t she just want a bike?
GUY: Your logic is flawed. According to experts-
ME: Excuse me, but I practiced this argument in my head & you’re saying the wrong things
Me: I want to open a horse training facility. Call it a gymneighsium lol.
Bank manager: Get out.
Me: I have a new water bottle! I’m gonna get my 64 Oz a day now, bay-bee!
Also me: ᴀʟʟ ᴏꜰ ᴍʏ ʟɪꜰᴇ ɪꜱ ᴘᴇᴇ
keep reaching for the stars, kid:
“I can’t wait to get inside you,” I flirtatiously whisper to a coffin.
*walking my 5 year old back from the bathroom
Lady: Your grand daughter is so cute
Me: She’s my…. Thank you
I said something about the 1918 influenza and my friend’s like “that’s how Edward Cullen died”
I’m not saying I could stand to diet, I’m just saying I did a few jumping jacks and all the car alarms started going off in the neighborhood.
Gonna teach myself how to play the bagpipes. Wonder if I should tell the neighbors
Autocorrect changed “panic attack” to “pancake attack” and now I’m hysterical AND hungry.
Toddler *at 8 AM*: Mom, I had zero candy today
Me: Is this a statement of complaint or achievement?
*watches a house fall on you*
*steals your shoes*
ME: welcome to my man cave.
PROCTOLOGIST: please stop calling it that.
My whole life feels like that feeling you get when you take a multiple choice test and the answer you got isn’t one of the choices listed
If you ask me to give you a ride anywhere on less than 2 hours notice, you’re gonna be sitting in a pile of empty soda bottles and chip bags.
“Just the tip,” I whisper seductively to the pizza delivery guy, hoping he fulfills my fantasy of not charging me for the pizza.
Don’t think of it as a garlic knot binge, think of it as a vampire prevention plan.
I just read more people are killed by toasters than sharks. So if you’re swimming in the ocean and see a toaster SWIM FOR YOUR LIFE!
[First date]
Him:”Waiter!”
Waiter:”Sir?”
Him:”Could you check the toilets? My date has been gone 2 hours. Also, her coat has been stolen”
Sorry I started scratching your bug bite as I asked if it still itches.
serial killer: you’re in for a slow and agonizing death
me: so you’re gonna let me live
God: *twisting an owl* I can’t get this damn jar open
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.