why neck hurt
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GF: Can I have some almonds?
Me: Sure I’m done with them.
GF: These are good!
Me: They were better when the chocolate was on them.
I’m so lazy I let my battles pick me
I hate it when strangers question me. I’m with my kid, & this lady goes, ‘He’s cute. Who does he look like?’ I’m like, ‘Your husband’
me: AAAAAA SPIDER, KILL IT KILL IT
wife: [destroys spider’s confidence and self worth until it throws itself into traffic]
You say “premarital sex” like there’s postmarital sex
Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone
Opened closet in hotel to check for murderers while simultaneously realizing I was unprepared should one be in there.
If I get to Heaven the first thing I’m going to ask God is if I should have tipped on carryout orders or not
For an extra ten grand I’ll make it look like an accident and for an extra 20 I’ll make it look like a HILARIOUS accident
Assert your dominance by crossing out your coworkers name on their food and put your own.
Then eat it in front of them.
(gets down on one knee) hey I like being close to the ground
going to ask seven friends for advice and then execute my original plan
No I’m not feeling old when the first member of my son’s varsity football team from hs is getting married tonight.
Not feeling old AT ALL!
3 introduced me to a new game he calls “It’s Mine” he hands you an object and when you say “thank you” he grabs it back and yells “that’s mine”
1/5 stars, do not recommend, but honestly it’s not the worst game he’s made up
Gonna flirt with an electrician by calling them electrocute
i enjoy driving and flying on planes because they both allow me to experience my unrelenting and constant fear of dying but also i get to sit down
[before surgery]
doctor: we’re going to put you to sleep now. have you done this before?
me: yes, every night
Me: I think my computer’s broken
Boss: just give it to the IT guy
Me: okay *walks outside and tosses my laptop into the sewer* good luck
Vet: I’m afraid I’m going to have to put your horse down
Me: But why?
Vet: It’s very heavy
[laying in bed]
Wife: I’d rather chew on aluminum foil while listening to Nickelback
Me: …a simple, “I have a headache” would’ve been fine
The concept of “raining men” is a terrible thought and I wouldn’t be surprised if it happened in 2020.
I saw death today, in the face of the man at the next table, as I heard his wife say “I don’t know, do you THINK I look fat?”
I was going to wash my car in my driveway but then I realized I don’t own a halter top or cut-off shorts.
Dammit.
My greatest fear is waking up after being buried alive so I’ve decided to be cremated
*wakes up in cremation oven*
ME AT A PARTY: oh we’ve met? i’m sorry i’m bad with faces
ME WATCHING A MOVIE: ok that guy in the background is character actor james rebhorn who was in meet the parents, independence day, the talented mr ri
It’s fascinating how an “ouchie” a toddler experiences can immediately be fixed by giving it kisses.
Walked into a wall? Kiss
Bumped your head? Kiss
Looked at a tree the wrong way? Kiss
Bit a carrot too hard? Kiss
Pooped? Kiss and then a diaper change
My neighbor across the street does yoga in her yard, I watch her through my guest room window, but I don’t use my binoculars because that would be creepy.
Me: Well done my good and faithful serpent
Wife: Do you have to say that every time you use the bathroom?
People always ask why I’m wearing a sombrero in my high school graduation pictures. Clearly, because it was my señor year.