why neck hurt
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Went to my buddy’s house and he thought this absolute monster was gonna slip by without further inquiry
Why do Swedish warships have bar codes on the sides?
So that when they return to port, they can Scandinavian.
Me: “I don’t make everything sexual”
*plugs phone into charger*
“You like that huh?”
Peter Jackson just found a postcard JRR Tolkien wrote his nephew in 1938. He’s turning it into 22 nine-hour films.
“A car I’ve never seen before just parked outside. We’re gonna die CAN YOU HEAR ME Jesus Christ you’re not listening to me I said…”
– Dogs
The worst part of working from home is not being able to take office supplies from work anymore, now I just have to shoplift them like an ordinary schmo
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Give Jesus a fish, and you and your family will eat nothing but that one fish for a lifetime.
Similar to how tennis has different surfaces, swimming should have different liquids i. e. 50m chowder, 100m Greek yoghurt, relay spf 50 sun block
Show me in the employee handbook where it says I can’t make weird noises in my cubicle
Listen, I’m as surprised as you are that I have no murderous ex-lovers, but I was gifted (and/or cursed) with the ability to leave someone so tenderly they’re left thinking it was their idea, and wondering why they ever let me go.
therapist: how have you been coping with everything
me: with sarcasm mostly
therapist: has that been working
me: yeah it’s been super great
if you’re in a movie theater fiddling/crinkling with a noisy snack…………………… you need to give up that struggle after 5 min. let it go. put the community before the snack
Just had to spell the word “bourgeoisie” while sharing my screen. Jesus Christ
*bringing a parachute as my hand luggage on any Boeing flight from here on in
I’d like to assure my concerned neighbors that although I have slowly driven by your house 97 times in the last 20 mins, I am not, in fact, a predator or a stalker. I am waiting for my insomniac toddler to fall asleep.
Kids: Mom told us about the elf.
Husband: She did? She told you that…
Kids: He has COVID.
Husband:
Me:
6: And he’s on a bendilator.
Women: Be smart. Don’t do this.
WIFE: You forgot my birthday again didn’t you?
ME: [putting wrapping paper round the cat] Goddammit, I told you not to turn round yet Janet
*Adds broccoli to recipe for the health benefits*
*Picks broccoli out while eating it*
My cat just winked at me and now it’s awkward because I only see her as a friend.
Beauty is in the Eye of the:
A) Holder
B) Holder
C) Holder
D) Holder
I’ve been calling my wife “honey” for 12 years because I don’t know how to tell her I forgot her name.
Well, my evening plans are ruined
Establish dominance in the mom group by looking the other moms in the eye as you jump on a trampoline without going to the bathroom first.
Imagine living in Canada and riding a moose everywhere you go
Back in my day there was so much Toilet Paper and Eggs, that we would throw them at the houses of our enemies!
My schedule can get pretty packed – that’s why I like to use Google calendar to keep myself organised. For example [scrolls down for45 seconds] December 25th is Christmas Day
You don’t scare me. You’re not the evil eye I get from my dog when I make him get up from the couch so I can lay down.
Money is always a motive for murder. Stay broke.