why neck hurt
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To date, my most successful weight loss programs have been heartbreak, pneumonia and botulism.
put ur hair in a man-bun. now put ur beard in a man-bun too. congratulations ur now a hamburger. be free, hamburger man.
A Tinder type app, but it matches you with sandwiches.
7: You sent me in without crazy socks today.
Me: I sent you in with the backwards shirt.
7: But it was Wacky Hair Day!
Me: CAN’T YOU KIDS JUST GO TO SCHOOL
“All you have left is your king and one knight,” sneers my grandmaster chess opponent. Suddenly a little hatch opens in my knight and thousands of tiny Greek soldiers swarm out.
My go-to office prank is to sneak onto someone’s unattended Facebook page and post “I’m undecided, which should I get, iPhone or Android?”
If it’s in a bowl and it’s before lunch time then technically it’s cereal.
-5 asking for chips for breakfast
I hired a nanny to watch my kids. Little did she know they were just two sacks of potatoes. When I got home I accused her of witchcraft.
I post ONE gym selfie and everyone’s like “What’s he doing?” and “Where are the weights?” and “Is that a dozen donuts?”
This mosh pit at Chuck E. Cheese ain’t gonna start itself
Chivalry isn’t dead. He’s just sleeping. Right, chivalry? CHIVALRY!?
[pulled over]
COP: Did you know you were speeding?
ME: I didn’t even know I was driving
COP: Out
*Secretly duct-tapes boomerang to the back of his car*
Him: *Drives away*
Me: *whispers* “yeah, you’ll be back.”
Huh… I wonder if I should tell my friend that his back tattoo doesn’t say what he thinks it says.
[gets bit by spider]
[I don’t get powers]
[spider suddenly becomes tired & instantly hates Peppa Pig]
I stopped smoking cigarettes six years go.
I eat them now.
My girlfriend just got the definition of mansplaining wrong and now I don’t know what to do.
Im losing my mind and can’t remember when I’ve already done things.
Case in point: My fish are actually looking obese.
life hack: DO NOT TRY TO CUT CHERRY TOMATOES IN HALF WITH YOUR FOOD SCISSORS
7yo: “Who’s singing this?” Me: “Franz Ferdinand.” 7yo: “But, he died in 1914.” Me:
Nice of ads to thank me for watching as if I wasn’t a hostage
request for a new client, your honor, i think this one’s guilty
I warned you I would betray you over potatoes, this is on you.
If I could choose my own superhero origin story I’d be bitten by a radioactive serotonin
Got a text from my husband this morning saying that this wasn’t working out and he wanted a divorce! Boy was I relieved when he texted back saying that he sent it to the wrong number.
I don’t normally like to brag about expensive trips but I just got back from the grocery store, getting gas, and signing my kids up for summer camp.
If you wanna be classy, just use the word “whilst.”
Example: I know I just met you, but can you cum on my face whilst I pinch my nipples?
[first day working for IKEA]
Customer: one nightstand please
Me: sorry, I’m married
*making a phone call* please don’t pick up please don’t pick up
911 operator: 911, what is your emergency?