Why no, Google Maps, I don’t want to save 4 minutes on my trip by driving through the Mines of Moria, but thank you very much for asking.
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My parents are hosting 10 people on Thanksgiving so naturally my dad is outside making sure there is not one single leaf on the lawn.
Me: *on the TV show “House Hunters”* There’s a house. And there’s one. Ok there’s like 5 right next to each other.
[abducted aboard a UFO]
Alien: Take us to your leader
Me: *shaking* Then what will you do?
A: We’ll return you, unharmed
M: Not… not even a probe?
A: There’s nothing new to learn from probing humans
M: *pouting* Even if I say please?
When my large dog wants to sit beside me but my other slightly less large dog already is, he just sits on top of him
Kevins first time outside 😭 he was absolutely bewildered
No one runs faster than a 3 year old holding your iPhone.
My mind says “no” but my heart says “yes”, all my vital organs speak English, it’s very confusing and loud
getting sucked inside the jumanji game for 30 years is starting to sound pretty good at this point
Ah yes, it’s that time of year where TurboTax threatens me to use their services, else they’ll bring me to financial ruin
Me: That tree is impeckable
“Don’t you mean impeccable?”
*cut to woodpecker with a broken beak*
Me: No. Also how did you pick up on that?
I just spilled my last beer while reaching over to hit “ignore caller” on my phone. Why do bad things happen to good people?
File under excellent bookstore names.
An English version of Cookie Monster called Biscuit Gentlemen who always wants biscuits but also uses the word please, because we’re not savages.
I hate when people text me: “Call me.”
I’m gonna start calling people and when they answer, I’m gonna say: “Text me” And then hang up.
Wife: can you pick up milk?
Me: [lifts gallon] yea it’s easy
Wife: I mean from the store
Me: I would imagine it weighs the same there too
Guys I have to work a total of like 18 hours today. Someone hold me. Under water.
Still laughing at this stupid meme
i don’t know what just happened, but i was at the animal shelter before work and a toddler walked in and pointed at me and went “i want that one” and his mom just looked at me and said “you can’t have that, that’s a grown man”
“What’s the worst thing that could happen?” isn’t supposed to be a challenge.
[having sex]
ME: sex sounds
PARTNER: are you saying “sex sounds”
My 8 year old daughter just ate dinner and didn’t even notice the onions that were in there.
If you were wondering about my hiding skills.
When you go on vacation because your significant other wants to and you want to avoid a fight.
Placation.
I’ve always wanted a monkey, so I bought one at auction today.
I’ve had him about an hour now.
Anyway….. Monkey for Sale.
Me: if you’re a cop you have to tell me
Judge: way past that
Hear me out, a tattoo that beeps every time you are about to do something you will regret.
Just flipped my mattress, should have woke up my wife first
Me: Alexa, did you hear what Siri just said about you?!
Alexa: Hold my beer!!!
[pulling my wife out of the sewer]
her: this is why you have to put the toilet seat down
*Opens twitter*
*Sees Polio is trending*
*Closes twitter*
Him: sometimes I think you just don’t care
Me: [hands in the air] why would you think that