Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you like talking to yourself, then feel free to dm me.

trying not to judge stupid people too harshly anymore because it turns out i’m people and oh man am i stupid.

I could join a gym, but I prefer to work out at home because I can use the treadmill cups for chips and salsa

Wife: Are you still tweeting about me being in labor?

Me: Now I’m live tweeting “The Walking Dead.”

Wife:

Me: Everything isn’t about you.

me: I think there may have been a mixup at the hospital. this isn’t my baby

him: mom I’m 35 years old

#FeaturesIWishMyHouseHad
Wish it had walls

KIDNAPPER: get in the trunk

ME: but this tree is so tiny

😁

“Haha! That’s ridic-” Bill started to say, but his words trailed off as an heirloom sprang from behind a tree, sinking its fangs deep into his neck.

Me: I’m a mature adult

Also me:

Apparently your bosses don’t like it when you refer to them as “you geniuses.”

Me: I don’t want to hear it, I want to feel it!

Also me: Not like that!

Apparently telling someone you’ll catch their next wedding is unacceptable, whatevers.

I had a weird smell once…

A rodent crawled up under my car and got into the heat/air unit and died there.

I was trying to use my AC and blowing dead animal air at myself.

You know how long it takes to get rid of hot dead rotting rat smell?

3 months. Three

Found my 7yo vacuuming his room before school, so I guess the aliens switched him in the night

that’s the thing with this thing, it’s very thingy

They really need to stop hyping up these storms because I bought a lot of doritos and the power didn’t even go out.

I helped a little old lady at the market today.. She was too short to grab a box of cereal from the top shelf, so I stood on her shoulders!

Before I do anything important, I always ask myself “would this gain house points for Gryffindor or lose house points for Gryffindor?”

The idea is to just keep scrolling on your phone until you die.

We took family pictures with an actual photographer today. No one argued, no one yelled, no one whined, no one cried. Years from now we can look at these photos and say, “this is how we never were.”

#Homeschooling Day 5:
Hung out in the teacher’s lounge until lunch. Snacks were awesome.
Now singing karaoke on the school announcement system.
We got this.

America is 5 wars away from receiving a free one.

Cashier: Will you be paying with credit card, Apple Pay, Google Pay, Tap To Pay, fruit, nuts, or the blood of a tiger?

Me: *hands cash*

Just want to be bitten by a spider without the obligation of becoming a superhero.

Want to know how to get that creepy guy to stop texting you “hey beautiful” every morning? Move in together.

husband: do you know where the thing is

me: could I buy a noun

I got hit on by a 23 yr old today, like wtf am I supposed to do with her? Give her lunch money?

my doctor refuses to fight me and i think it’s cause he saw how i barely cried during my flu shot

I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.