why no one uses midhusbands
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Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: What’s your name on Twitter?
Me: So when a man and a woman…
Her: We need to talk
Me: *tucking in my pet racoon* Why?
hate when people say “if u think this is better than sex, u haven’t had good sex!”, like no, maybe you’ve just never had good lasagna, Carol
I almost hit a deer tonight. But then he took back what he said about my mom and we hugged it out.
Back to having zero haters, feels good.
I tried to make a smoothie for lunch. Apparently, three frozen pizzas will break a juicer.
Wife: cuddle?
Me: ok
Wife: I mean with me
Me: *with my teddy bear* right
[first day in a new house]
Me: [walking around naked] nothing like the freedom of your own home
Ghost who intended to haunt me: goddamnit
*internal alarm…awakens at 6am
*presses nose
*sleeps 9 more minutes
Mentally fistfighting everyone I pass on sidewalk (watched action movie earlier) my record is 33-10 but to be fair I walked by a school.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: How long has it been since you showered?
me: somebody stole a painting. they broke in, disabled the alarm–
detective: okay I got the picture
me: oh wow that was really fast
Him: What long nails you have!
Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.
*dating is easy
In about five years when a kindergarten teacher is taking attendance and calls out Thanos at least eight boys will say “here.”
Annual reminder that Valentine’s Day was a scam invented by Goodyear to sell all the heart-shaped tires their factory made by mistake
Kind of rude you didn’t wake me up before you went went.
Saw an article on Facebook that a local bank was robbed. It had one like. They should probably look at that person as the robbery suspect.
wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about getting a goat?
me [stops feeding the goat] You would have said no
Brain: She’s cute, talk to her…
Me: but what should I say?
Brain: ask her if she likes meat…
Me: What?
Brain: c’mon man, do it…
Brain: Great workout, here’s some endorphins
Me: Oh nice, I’ll feel good for-
Anxiety: It took you a full minute to figure out the treadmill buttons and I bet people noticed
Me: … that long
Who were the kings of disco?
A) Gees
B) Gees
C) Gees
D) Gees
“Don’t kiss or snuggle backyard poultry,” CDC warns in salmonella alert.
Social Media and Real life
Me: this a rush song?
Bartender: yeah, you a fan?
Me: does this answer your questions? *lifts shirt to reveal giant tattoo that says “no”*
This favourite snack may lower your risk of dementia? Jeeze I hope it’s big sandwiches.
Text:
Me: I want you to know I love you from the depths of my soul. You are my essence & the reason I live. With you, I am whole.
Her: K
My tiny son awoke with this thought, “Mommy, my dream was glitching. Why my dream was glitching?”
*scrolls Netflix for The Matrix
It’s time.
I told my son to go pick up the dog poop and he slowly looked at his dad, “I would if the lawn was mowed.” He got real brave with that.
After having received my free sample of winter, I would like to cancel my subscription please
(confronts Beck in line at Jamba Juice, holds up hurried sketch of Beyonce, aggressively does “Single Ladies” dance)