Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

– Do you have photos of your girlfriend naked?

-No.

– Do you want some?

My parents didn’t raise me to be disrespectful. I had to practice.

I need someone to hand me a cup of coffee when I wake up so I can have coffee before I make my coffee.

[sees kid crying]
Kid: Im lost
Me: that’s ok. We’re all lost. Happiness is an illusion. Life is meaningless. Death is around the corner. Bye

I wonder how police on bikes arrest people.
“Alright get in the basket.“

My wife shook me awake at 7am on a Sunday “because it’s not raining, and we have a lot to do today”

Holy shit, I married my father

[uses Ant-Man tech to carry around a bunch of dogs in my pocket]

At this point making life choices involves liquor and a dart board.

Me: *looking at pics* Cute! What breed is it? Looks like a Puggle

Co-worker: It’s my daughter

Me: Yeah, they feel like family, don’t they?

Them: You need to get a sense of humor.

Me: You need to say something funny.

Me: I said you can’t eat candy.

4-year-old: I’m not eating it.

Me: I see it in your mouth.

4: I’m just storing it in my cheeks for later.

*sees dead squirrel on the road*
Oh, poor squirrel.
*realizes it’s just a sock*
*whispers*
poor sock

i tried to ask a girl out today but i messed up my words and accidentally summoned a demon. anyway, whats a good first date for a demon

Horrifying if literal: Robert Burns

¯_(ツ)_/¯

Netflix needs to stop asking if I’m still watching and start asking if I switched the laundry over yet.

road expansion addicts be like “just one more lane bro i promise traffic will be fixed, just one more i can stop whenever”

Experts say that human interaction is important for brain health but I’m willing to risk it.

He said it’s canoodle night later, and I thought great, I love lasagna.

KFC suspends iconic ‘finger lickin’ good’ slogan amid coronavirus fears

My patience has stretch marks.

A swarm of locusts darkened the blue sky. This was my sign to finally send out my wedding thank you cards.

I saw this ending much differently.

In retrospect, replying “Happy as a serial killer in a skin suit factory”, probably wasn’t the best way to respond to my therapist.

Library patron of the week: the kindergartener whose parting shot at checkout was, “You haven’t seen the last of ME.”

I gave my cat a middle name today, so she knows when she is really in trouble.

Damn boy, are you leftover pizza in the fridge? Because I’ve been thinking about you all night…

I replaced all the fire extinguishers at work with air horns that sound like Seth Rogan’s laugh.

Me: *checking weather on phone*

3: Mommy, are you texting Peppa Pig?

Me:

3:

Me: Yes, we go way back.

I spray perfume samples in the gym bathroom like I’m a priest doing an exorcism with holy water