Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My Family: Show us on the doll where you…where you touched yourself.
*I slowly point to the doll’s face, everyone erupts in sobs and wailing*

If life gives you a cactus that doesn’t mean you have to sit on it.

remember

only for emergencies

I love my husband. But, what really motivates me to stay married is how much weight I’d have to lose to date again.

ME: I’m just like you I put my pants on one leg at a time

HR: but what if you did it before getting to the office

I’ve decided to go back to meeting someone the old-fashioned way, through alcohol and poor judgment.

[1st day at work]
BOSS: Erm..we..have No Smoking rules here

ME: That’s great Alan [blows out smoke] most places have loads of smoking rules

No matter how much I shake my phone, you still won’t come out. Are you stuck? I think you’re stuck.

[on Ferris wheel]

ME: This is going great.

MY DATE: This is so weird.

UBER DRIVER: Let’s get cotton candy next.

I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror this morning, so I guess once again my personality will be doing all the work today

🎉Made my last car payment 🎉

I still owe a lot but I’m just not paying anymore

There are at least 5 bearded guys on here that I think I’m only following because I thought they were the same person.

5: Daddy, can I help?

Me: No, sorry. This is a tough job

5: [robot voice] I. am. a. ro-bot.
I. will. com-plete. the. work. of. 10. men.

Me: [handing over tools]

It’s woman law if another woman tells you your outfit is cute and you got a deal on it you must tell them where you got it and how much it cost.

I hate Valentine’s Day but I do enjoy infant archery.

[Garden Of Eden]

Adam: Is this your first time?

Eve: YES ADAM! Literally, everything I do is my “first time”, for the love of God please stop asking.

What kind of adapter do I need for this outlet?

My wife wants to go on a romantic date for Valentine’s Day so I guess I’ll stay home with the kids.

I went to get fingerprinted for my new job, and in hindsight I probably shouldn’t have been so enthusiastic when the tech asked “Have you ever been fingerprinted before?” And my reply was “Oh yeah, for SURE.”

I hate when that happens.

I once stayed at an AirBnB with a big sign above the sink saying to not spit in it. I stood there with toothpaste in my mouth for many minutes before finally spitting in the toilet. I still don’t know what they wanted us to do, and I will never forget.

Fellas,
If you kill a spider while you’re at her place, congratulations. You will be having sex.

P.S. Bring a spider.

My therapist sure does pronounce “awesome” a lot like “narcissism”

[space launch]

ASTRONAUT: houston we have a problem

ME: *elbows him* lol we’re gonna get mooned

ASTRONAUT: *sighs* houston we have two problems

Airport moving sidewalks are great for when you only want to feel like George Jetson for 10 seconds before you’re back to Fred Flintstone.

Got Fired by the Zoo for Giving all the Meerkats Tiny Binoculars

My age reversal cream is working. It gave me zits.

Our dishwasher works exceedingly well, as long as you only put clean dishes in it.

My dad and I both have a gift for figuring out who the villain is in super hero movies we’ve already watched