Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s raining outside but the weather report assured me that it’s not so I’m not sure what to wear.

Just got my second Covid vax. So now I’m going to need another excuse for why I’m not having sex.

JOB INTERVIEWER: Do you know short-hand?
ME: Do I know what, fat-face?

wife: didn’t i tell you?
me: yes, you did
wife: you didn’t listen
me: no, I did not
wife: what did i say?
me: you heard turtles in the walls
wife: what did you say?
me: i said you were crazy
wife: what will you do now?
me: i’ll call the turtle guy
wife: you’ll call the turtle guy

Imagine my voice. Wrong. More velociraptor.

Why does it take 5-7 days to refund me…When it took 5-7 seconds to take that shit out

Hearing them call a 25 year old hockey player a ‘veteran’ and a 28 year old player ‘old’ has done zilch for my self esteem today

If a mouse family ever stole my iPhone and used it as a flat screen TV then I’m okay with it as long as they’re happy.

I hate when people try to make small talk on the elevator. “How’s it going?”, “How about the weather?”, “Where are your pants?”.

If you wanna go and take a ride with me with three women in the floor with the goat cheese.

My bluetooth headphones just paired with a car driving by like they were trying to escape

me: i’ll have the mouse, please

waiter: that’s mousse, sir

me: never mind then, that’ll be way too much food

A pile of inside out bathing suits can be found by the rotisserie chickens because I couldn’t find a dressing room at Costco.

I’m Puerto Rican, but not “carries a knife in my purse everywhere I go” Puerto Rican.

Sometimes it’s in my bra.

[first date]

*Ok don’t let her know you’re a vampire*

“Would you like a mint?”

*reaches in pocket, pulls out SPF 5,000,000,000*

“Dammit”

[months ago]

Me: I wish for one episode to be so dark no one can see it, one episode to include an infamous coffee cup debacle, and the series to end with Tony Soprano sitting on the Iron Throne.

Genie: And now we wait.

To inspire all the wonderful women of Twitter I’m sending you all good vibes today. Tomorrow I will ship the batteries.

Trying to figure out the exact number of food pieces that need to be in water to make it go from being gross to being soup.

when my four year old asked “mommy does a snowman have 3 balls?” I realized my biggest problem is im just not, nor will i ever be, mature enough to have kids

Clerk: Sir this is an awful lot of cheese for one person.

Me: What?

C: You should be ashamed of yourself, panic buying is not the answer.

M: Panic buying? Um, what are you talking about, 7 blocks of cheese is a normal week for me.

C:

M:

C: Have a nice day

First person ever: I HAVE SEVERAL HOLES IN MY FACE WHAT IS HAPPENING

Owl: Pretty cool having an owl drive your Uber, huh?

Me: Please face the front

boss: trouble at home?
me: [jumps awake at my desk] yeah
boss: wife giving you grief?
me: there’s a bee in my kitchen

I was pretty high last night & I was like wouldn’t it be cool if there was a tiny little grocery store in everybody’s home, like a personalized little convenience store for one, and then I realized that I was literally just describing the experience of walking into ur own kitchen

me in 1997: i can’t wait for the future when microsoft word fixes all the issues and it becomes a more user-friendly piece of software

me in 2023: any day now probably

Most embarrassing thing a human being can experience is publicly unrequited love. Second is having the noisy grocery cart.

Just got a splinter from a 100 year-old bed frame and damn that MFer was really playing the long game

Based on how he reacts, you’d think my dog’s entire family was killed by pizza delivery guys.

The guy in the stall beside doesn’t know he can shut off his camera shutter…..