Why not call baby pigs “hamlets” ?
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The 1st rule of idiom club is loose lips sink ships. The 2nd rule is don’t let the cat out of the bag. Last but not least, the 3rd rule.
🤣🤣🤣
HER: what’s your sign?
ME: i’m an asparagus
HER: you mean aquarius
ME: omg whatever, you’re such a caprisun
Husband: How much Halloween candy should we get?
Me: We went through 2 pounds last year.
Husband: We didn’t have any trick-or-treaters last year.
Me: *death glare*
Pinky toes do two things: nothing and break.
People on tiktok r like “I bought the viral mascara so you don’t have to” and im like when did I have to……
streaming companies forgetting their entire existence is based on being slightly more convenient than piracy
News Anchor: And now, to report live about this incredibly dangerous storm, we’ll send you out to one of our expendable reporters.
A dating app where they just match you up with somebody with an identical credit score is yours
The gorilla and I maintain eye contact, separated by only an inch of glass.
He scratches his head… I scratch mine.
He touches his chest… I touch mine.
He shits in his hand… my wife drags me away.
When my wife sends me to the grocery store solo with a specific list I am not allowed to improvise. That was made clear when I got home.
If Justin Beiber and Rebecca Black were both drowning and you could only save one, would you grab a bite to eat or finish mowing the lawn?
Can’t. Typing a password into a tv.
Sales clerk: That handbag is very pleasing to the eye.
Customer: Really? I don’t like it.
Giant Disembodied Eye: YOU REALLY SHOULD BUY IT
“I MUST tell you,” said a lady with breathless excitement, stopping us suddenly as we walked down Bermondsey Street last night, “I MUST tell you that you are wearing the same clothes as that building.” and skipped off
wife: u should’ve paid more attention in school
me: what why
wife: u brought home the wrong kids
Me: [adjusting cargo shorts] These babies are built for performance.
My wife: You’ve been sitting on the couch watching football all day
Me: [pulling a small container of bean dip out of one pocket and a bag of tortilla chips out of another] Was a question in there somewhere?
Ever noticed how you used to be embarrassed by things you did or that happen to you, but now your first thought is “I can tweet that”
Me: {sobbing my heart out, eyes swollen, nose red) “I can’t see you anymore. I am NOT going to let you hurt me like that again!”
Trainer: “It was a sit-up. You did one sit-up.”
My corpse will likely be too lazy for rigor mortis.
If I remove any clothing at all, the man thinks it’s sexy time, so now I just step into the shower fully dressed.
*as girl walks in*
98, 99, *grunts* 100
“Wow, push-ups?”
Uhm, no? Just learning to count.
Oh, horrific shit happened in a little town where no one locked their doors? You don’t say?
I shaved my eyebrows off so I could become a successful poker player
[first day in prison]
“I need to speak to management. There is no way I can use this generic bar soap on my face.”
What is this special type of waffle called a “Tennis racket” and why does it taste like metal wires?
Girl, are you any art project I made as a child? Because you don’t look great and my mom is having difficulty pretending to like you.
What’s your superpower?
Spiderman: ummm, parkour.
We decided to have money instead of children.