Why not call baby pigs “hamlets” ?
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me: [waking from coma] how long was I out
doc: two years, but I have terrible news
me: what
doc: it’s still March
Did Roberto Martinez just moonwalk out of the job
My gf & I are toying w/the idea of changing both of our last names rather than hyphenate
Easier & we can have fun with it
Mrs Velociraptor.
Sometimes you’re amazed at how smart your 3 year old is, and sometimes you tell her that her shoes are on the wrong feet and she takes them off and gives them to her brother to put on.
You don’t know humility until your Ouija board gets snippy with you.
[world series game 1]
Wife: where are our seats?
Hamlet: 2b…
Wife: there are people there
Hamlet: or not 2b
toddler parkour is trying to find the slowest and most elaborate route to get anywhere
Hey I noticed you’re completely uninterested in me and couldn’t care whether I live or die would you like to build a life together?
If Jesus appears to you, ask him to bevel cut a jack rafter onto a door header. If he doesn’t know what you mean, that’s an imposter Jesus.
[finishing last sip of wine]
waiter: would you like another glass?
me: no just refill this one
Shaggy: look out, it’s a gh-gh-gh-ghost!
Fred: there’s no such thing as ghosts
Scrappy Doo, a literal talking dog: yea shaggy
cars have windows and can move. houses have windows and can’t move. so it’s not the windows that make the car go, it’s something else entirely
Damn gurl, are you the snacks in my grandma’s cabinet? Because you taste like you expired 4 years ago
Ah to be a little slug on a day like today. The rain is out. No cares in the world. Time for slime.
Me: That Febreze smells like Fireball.
Wife: Yeah, non-alcoholics call that cinnamon.
Evolution saved Big Bird from fitting in a mine.
I think it’s obvious that Goo Goo Dolls and Lady Gaga should do a side project together and call it Goo Goo Gaga.
Social butterfly? Nah.
I’m more like a social Sasquatch. Some people swear they’ve seen me, but no one really believes them.
I’m a good listener. If you’re interesting. Or you’re a movie about penguins.
Since they won’t vote anyway, Obama should make the GOP look bad by nominating a bald eagle holding a picture of Jesus to the Supreme Court.
I like to find exercise equipment on the street to lug home, and then I decide I won’t use it so I lug it to the thrift store. It’s a pretty good workout
[New printer]
Align printer *prints page*
Clean printhead *prints page*
Print this test page *prints page*Ink low, replace cartridges
Them: Describe the joys of parenthood in 2 words.
Me: The what?
I’m out of tweets so I’m recycling some of my most dope MySpace status updates.
One time I didn’t cut my grass for two months and my neighbor who was trying to sell his house got fed up and cut it for me so don’t tell me your problems won’t go away if you just ignore them
WIFE: Do you have a hot glue gun?
ME: No but I have a sexy stapler
I undo his overall strap & slide it off a barely perceptible shoulder. I pull his steel work goggle down around his “neck”
“BanaNA” he moans
My biggest fear is getting a 200 page email that ends with “Thoughts?”
Me: Do you like being right-handed?
Hubby: Umm, sure… why?
Me: Take another one of my fries again and see…
Holmes: “I say, old bean, is that mud on your boots?” Watson: “No, shit, Sherlock”