WHY not look a gift horse in the mouth what could it have in there
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Sometimes I need a break from myself but it’s like ugh everywhere I go there I am.
My tacos arrived with a fork on the plate. I can only guess it’s there to stab potential taco thieves.
“Come as you are. As you were. As I want you to be.” ~ Kurt Cobain, confusing party coordinator
Went gluten-free and already lost 15 friends in the first week!
I don’t care how hardcore you are. If you don’t cry when Dumbo visits his mommy in elephant jail, you have no soul.
Everybody’s an atheist until the final two minutes of a sports game.
In Canada alcoholics go to EhEh meetings.
Call me hun one more time and I stg I will invade a small European country.
[first date]
ME: *staring at phone* So then you just come up with something funny and people RT you
WAITER: Sir, your date left 20 min ago
Children are the best fundraisers because they don’t understand economics:
Principal: The student who raises $500 dollars for the school will get this free hat
12 year old me: That is such a great deal
sir, my pâté if you please
On one hand, I’m intrigued by witchcraft. On the other hand, it seems like it involves a lot of chopping and cooking.
No one talks to you on the bus when you’re shaking a box of Milk Duds that your head phones are plugged into.
*gingerly maneuvers the garbage can back into place between a stack of crown molding we’ll never use and your antique pesticide collection*
that feeling when you hold her face in your hands & gaze into her eyes like she’s the universe, then u think “wait a minute, who’s driving”
“There are 2 seats. Which one do you want?”
“Right one for me.”
“And you?”
“Am I left with any choice?”
“This tofu tastes like chicken.”
No one believes you dude.
Death hack: bury your loved ones with their fitness trackers for a low-cost early zombie alert system.
I never understood how Scooby and Shaggy could be convinced to do something they didn’t want to do with just a Scooby Snack until my wife said she’d make me a cheese platter if I cleaned out my closet.
I’m never marrying anyone else that I find on craigslist.
If you get a call from a telemarketer, give the phone to a child and tell them it’s #Santa.
ANGEL: *creates alligator*
ANGEL’S BROTHER: *creates crocodile*A: *creates dolphin*
AB: *creates porpoise*A: *creates llama*
AB: *creates alpaca*A: *creates ostrich*
AB: *creates emu*A: quit copying me
AB: qUiT cOpYiNg mEA: i’m telling god
AB: i’M TeLLiNg gOd
A dumpster is a sacred place. I am a bear.
Me *at my office*: “Do you need someplace to put that out?”
Client: “I’m not smoking.”
Me: “No, I meant your kid.”
WIFE *walking in* omg I just saw the cutest dog driving home from work
ME: wow *scratches head* I wonder what sort of job he does
Dr. to my 9 yr old son: So you’ll pee in this cup…
*9 starts giggling
Dr.:
9: We’re not allowed to say ‘pee.’
Me,rubbing my temples: We say ‘tinkle.’
Dr: E-
Me: YES EVEN THE ADULTS
I feel like it’s customary to lose a meatball out of your sub when you’re wearing your favorite shirt.
apparently this year was written by stephen king
After reading some marriage tweets I’m beginning to suspect we all may have been married to the same person.
How to NOT wear your Disney Jumper.
