Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

normal people kissing:

•sensual
•butterflies in ur stomach
•ur the only two people in the world

people with glasses kissing:

•clink
•clank
•ok lets take them off
•wait where’d u go
•u feel cold
•oh that’s a lamp

Friend: You look different…younger…really great

Me: I had a little something done

Friend: *whispers* Face lift?

Me: Colonoscopy

If your phone fell in a toilet, you would…

1995: …leave it, toilets are gross

Today: [wrist-deep in urine] BRING ME A BOWL OF RICE NOW

My 7yo, “rich people have a lot of money and we don’t have that much, so we are normal people.” Idk, I’m still stuck on “we” because she has zero money.

[tarot card reading]

*flips card*
You will be a King
*flips card*
And find a beautiful queen
*flips card*
Oh my, you will be clubbed TWICE

Customer: …is that a regular deck of cards?

MAGICIAN: Is this your card?

MAN: No

MAGICIAN: Is this your card?

MAN: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?

Sit in Starbucks and scream into your phone, “What we need is fresh screenwriting talent! An unknown! Where on earth can we find it?”

You guys, I checked. Wolves can’t blow houses down, even if they are just made of straw and sticks. It’s all anti-wolf propaganda started by Big Pork

ME: can i open a joint account

BANKER: ok with who

ME: anyone rich

I just don’t get life insurance. Why would I want to give my family a financial incentive to kill me?

“Kids are picking on me, Mom”

I’ll teach you how to fight, son.

“Yes!”

[Mom spreads rumors about son and ignores him for 3 days]

Wishing everyone peace, love, and happiness in the new year. And if you’ve ever done me wrong, a touch of chlamydia.

coworker: my favourite are samosas. what about you?
me lying about having tried Indian food: I mean how do you argue against samosas

Sesame Street didn’t prepare me for any of this bullshit.

I hate when I toss some cold pizza in the microwave, check Twitter real quick and when I come back I’ve missed 3 mortgage payments.

Camel dough

*overheard in 6’s virtual class*

6: I saw a raccoon our backyard yesterday, and I wanted to show it to my mom, but it ran away.

Kid: Oh, are raccoons scared of your mom?

ENTER PASSWORD
> bench85
PASSWORD TOO WEAK. TRY AGAIN.
> bench285
BRO!

I laughed at Yoda for hiding in a swamp

Then again, he’s the only Jedi to ever die from old age

Maybe he knew what he was doing after all.

I like to keep my husband on his toes by texting, “How could you do this to me?” at least 2 times per day.

CW: What did you do on the weekend?
ME: I baked
CW: Nice. What did you bake?
ME: Me

Airbnb’s should be required to tell you their wifi password before you book because I’m second guessing this place based on “fluffycream350”.

Going to a hair-washing party tonight. Really don’t want to go but I couldn’t think of an excuse to get out of it.

Doctor: Wow your blood pressure is through the roof

Me: Oh come on it’s not that bad

Doctor: Your eye is literally twitching

Me: *sipping on my eighth coffee of the day* stop being dramatic medicine boi

I bought a designer body bag and now I’m scared to gain weight.

I wonder if Scarlett Johansson ever fantasizes about fat comic book nerds, or is that just a one-way street?

My bluetooth headphones just paired with a car driving by like they were trying to escape

Welcome to your 40’s. You now have to second guess your age as you can’t believe you’re that old

Me: I’ll start work early so I can stop working earlier

Also me: *just works twice as many hours cuz I started earlier

it was extremely windy last night and my boyfriend couldn’t sleep and I woke to find him on the wikipedia page for Wind