” Why of course I would like to stop in the middle of this huge task I’m doing to look at pictures of everyone in your huge family opening christmas presents colleague that I barely know”
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I got patted down by airport security.
Apparently, I am not supposed to reciprocate.
“Oooo, a window. Let’s see if I can fly through it.” – Dumbass birds
I don’t understand “standing desks.” Why take away the only good thing about a desk?
Why is it called an avalanche and not buried at ski?
Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35
They should do a Calculator App Wrapped where it shows you the dumbest calculations you did this year. Real moron stuff like 20% off 20, or 1×8, or 6+9
Parenting is all about multitasking. Like trying to brush your teeth while you’re rock climbing.
did the people you had a crush on always like you back or are you funny?
*checks my Fitbit to see how many calories rejection burns*
whenever I see “likes her own status” on facebook, a little bit of me dies and becomes a horcrux.
“you’re so quiet” i wish you were too
My yearbook quote is the only thing I am proud of
Person: My name is Mora.”
Hawaiian wizard: “Aloha, Mora.”
*Door behind her unlocks*
I need a guy who’s cute charming smells good smells really good like cinnamon and sugar and flaky crust and actually I just need some pie
For sale: car. Does not stop. You will have to jump in as I jump out. I have been driving this car for three years. Please help me
Diabetes: you’re my type.
Me: you’re my type 2
I dont mean to sound racist, but why is my baby black?
*doctor sighs for like 3 mins*
“Sir, its an ultrasound”
*Seinfeld bass riff for days*
Just in case you’re thinking about having kids, I just broke up an argument about “excessive angry blinking” at each other.
I was with someone that did mushrooms yesterday that told me they could, like, *hear* sounds and I didn’t have the heart to tell them that’s how I receive sounds too
ME: *pointing gun* Give me everything.
WORKER: Sir, this is a pet shelter.
ME: I know.
*carried off into the sunset by a wave of animals*
Could you imagine being the Secret Service agent that blocked a bullet for Donald Trump, 20 years later? You wouldn’t tell anyone.
Fish don’t seem that stupid to me. If a burrito dropped out of the sky and hung in mid air I’d prob eat it.
To err is human
To purr is cat
To grr is dog
To brr is cold
To durr is dumb
To slur is drunk
To occur is when you realise this tweet is going nowhere
The only time that my wife screams my name in bed is when I break wind in my sleep.
Hey! Remember how fat your arms are?
-Summer
My neighbor is handing out hot dogs, Kit Kats & Pez. When a group of kids arrives I’ll yell “They’re eating the dogs! They’re eating the Kats! They’re eating the Pez of the people who live there!”
If you ever catch me staring blankly during our conversation it’s because I can’t remember if it’s my turn to say words or yours.
Wearing polar fleece in the winter gives me a sense of security knowing I can jump start a car with my finger.
*puts a Santa hat on your Halloween decorations*