Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

wife:Gotta go. You guys gonna be ok?
me [making my Pop-Tart pop out of the toaster and trying to catch it] Come on!
wife:9, you’re in charge

Maybe all the vampires are always so angry and biting people because they can never eat any lasagne or spaghetti or anything that has garlic in it. Did you ever think about that? No you always think about yourself!

“Dave, come check this out! The squirrel in that tree hasn’t moved in like three hours. It’s freakin’ weird.”

[presents children to cashier]
I’d like to return these faulty condoms lol

Any dinner can be a murder mystery dinner if you’re ambitious enough.

don’t ask what my resolution is. there are 3 days left in this garbage year and i am focusing on being my worst possible self for every minute of them. “exercise more” “eat better” go to hell, im gonna burn down a tgi fridays

My kid asked me to hold her candy, took one look at my excited face and decided she should hold onto it instead, which was definitely the right call.

This looks like a job for Superman!
-unemployed Superman reading the classifieds

Bartenders be like ” heres that receipt, i’ll go ahead and put it on the wettest part of the bar”

*gives you dictionary for your birthday*

wow.. i don’t know what to say

“that’s why i bought it for you”

I experimented a ton in college. I tried naps in the evening, naps in the morning, sometimes even 3 naps in a row.

The best thing about owning a Smart Car is if you get too drunk at the bar you can just carry it home.

My mom is going through home reorganizing and to avoid confrontational conflict, my dad is leavings notes voicing his opinion

The Children of the Corn were better with the Children of the Butter and the Children of the Salt.

Of course skinny jeans are canceled, after a year of quarantine no one fits in them anymore

My 8yo asked if she could have the last cookie. I said no because it’s mine. She asked if she could have a half. I said okay. Now… I’m pretty sure she’s failing math because all she left me was a crumb

Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!

Don’t blame me for the world’s problems, I was practically raised by the Muppets as a kid.

when food packaging says “store in a cool, dry place” like ah i guess the mossy cave is out then

[being stoned to death by a small village] so how do you guys all know each other

I saw her biting her bottom lip so I threw her a cupcake. Poor girl must have been starving.

This day in history. 1810. Sweden declared war on its ally the United Kingdom initiating 2 years of fairly spiteful Christmas card exchanges.

Me: We should do more traveling this year
Bank account: Like as an Uber driver?

*pulls pristine, luscious lips out of an ornate golden box*
“Actually, THIS is the mouth I kiss my mother with”

I just got a Facebook invite to my brother’s non-alcoholic Mormon wedding.

I dunno which part of that sentence makes me want to cry more.

Twitter 2013: “Come and see what fun things your favourite celebrities are up to!”

Twitter 2023: “Your old favourite celebrities are now convinced lizard people are trying to take away your car and replace them with genders”

Dear ladies who wear black tights and red shoes:

Please stop.

Minnie Mouse is not a style icon for grown women.

Love,
M

Scarface: SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FREN

me: hi

Danny Devito: well hello there

I drank a beer and then clipped my kid’s bangs, so tomorrow morning should be interesting

Life is like having a brazilian wax. The more times you have the carpet ripped out from under you, the less painful it gets.