Why on earth would anyone even buy a deathbed?
You Might Also Like
I started the day with a migraine, and I ended it by watching the debate. One of those was the most painful 90 minutes of my day. The other was a migraine.
5yo: if superman & batman had a big fight, superman could throw him into space where he’d suffocate’. I’m raising a problem solver you guys.
therapist: these people who think you’re “funny” *takes off his glasses* are they in the room with us right now?
That Scene in a Christopher Nolan Film Where You Give Up Trying to Follow the Plot
Next time a job interviewer asks where you see yourself in 5 years, say “Why TELL you when I can SHOW you?” then just sit there for 5 years.
The lazy river is my favorite ride at this amusement park. “Ahhhhh!” I scream as I float in a giant circle, not spilling my drink at all
One of my biggest fears during a zombie apocalypse is having to sleep without a fan
I will never feel sorry for people who complain about getting screwed in their divorce.
Hell, I can’t even get screwed in my marriage.
this burrito is terrible how can you call yourself a barista
Dentist: this is gonna hurt a little bit
Me: ok
Dentist: I’ve been sleeping with your mom
Me: I could totally be a bad boy… if I wanted to
Her: Please… you won’t even break the traffic laws in video games
The neighbor woke me up with his lawn mower. I’m going to sit outside and play my recorder all day.
if your brain produces saliva you have a patooey-tary gland thank you
“I DO NOT DRINK TOO MUCH!!” I scream angrily at the neighbors garden gnome
Sleep is the body’s best safety mechanism. It keeps you from screwing things up for 8 hours.
To whoever has my voodoo doll, can you stop making me stare at my phone all day? This isn’t funny. I just want to live life again.
Professor X: what’s your super power?
Me: hindsight
Professor X: that’s not going to help us
Me: yes I see that now
Man: “Excuse me. Can you tell me the quickest way to the next town?”
Me: “Are you driving or walking?”
Man: “Driving.”
Me: “That would be the quickest way.”
*At the local breakfast restaurant
Server: And how would you like your eggs, sir?
Me: Reese’s
day 9 in quarantine: On my way to working from home
team rocket: that boy’s pikachu is special
meowth: hey
team rocket: we need it
meowth: im literally the only pokemon who can talk
team rocket: that pikachu is so unique no other pokemon will do
Meowth: guys
team rocket: only that pikachu is deserving of love
Sweetie, I didn’t mute you. I turned the quality filter on and then all your tweets disappeared.
Newton’s daughter had dem apple fallin genes, boots with the fur
It’s the 20th anniversary of Infinite Jest and the 6th anniversary of my buying Infinite Jest and never getting around to reading it.
A huge thanks to the person that did this
[Australia]
Husband: If you need me I’ll be out back.
Wife: Yeah that’s not very specific.
I have AirPods now, the next step is somehow staying rich and staying humble
Even in my early 20’s, I was diagnosed with late stage 40’s.
me: they’re having a special, buy 3 dvds get 1 free
wife: so why do you have 4 space jam’s?
me: …because it’s buy 3 get 1 free
[on a date]
Her: *sneezes*
Me: God-
Her: *sneezes* Thank you
Me: -dammit, what’s taking the food so long?