Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Cops: put your hands where we can see them
Invisible man:

I don’t want to “agree to disagree,” I want you to say uh huh and I say nuh uh and you say uh huh until we’ve resolved this.

This is a wedding toast I made up you can use if you want:

Some say you aren’t good enough for him. Some say you aren’t good enough for her. I say you’re good enough for each other.

I’ve decided I want a sad funeral. None of this upbeat “celebration of life” shit. I want sobbing, ppl vomiting w grief, at least 2 suicides

My wife thinks that I don’t care for her relatives.

I told her that’s not true. I love her mother-in-law more than I love mine.

We caught and released a snake so it can scare the crap out of us in the basement on a different day

I walked outside and my glasses fogged up so I went inside to switch to contacts and stay there until October.

Joseph: 3 minutes BC

Mary: Aaarghhhhhh

Joseph: 2 minutes BC

Mary: STOP DOING THAAARGGHHH THE BABY’S COMING!

Joseph: 1 minute BC

Mary: JESUS CHRIST

When can I start eating bats again.

Friend: when you first meet, tell her she looks prettier in person

Me: ok

[Later]

Her: Hi!

Me: Hi you look uglier online

We don’t know what’s in the vaccine. Could be anything. Microchips? Sure. Toxins? Maybe. Predatory birds? Definitely. This is all a plot to fill us full of falcons because the CDC is in the pocket of Big Talon.

Whenever I start to feel old, I just remind myself I’m still young enough to play a teenager on Beverly Hills 90210.

No one told me that by encouraging my kid to play soccer I’d also be encouraging him to kick everything and anything he can possibly get his foot on regardless of time, space, location and roundness.

I use a wheelchair. I love it when people ask me if I know one of their friends in a wheelchair, like we’re all in a secret wheelchair club.

Teacher: Does anyone have questions?
Me: If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy ACME stuff, why didn’t he just buy dinner?
T: Holy Shit

Look at you, putting your bag of popcorn into a bowl like the Queen of England.

Person: Raise your glasses!

Me: Hahaha! *raises bottle*

I heard a mouse yesterday. So now I loudly announce myself whenever I enter a dark room. In case you’re wondering how brave I am

For those who don’t know the difference, GRAPHIC NOVELS are COMPLETE stories, where as COMICS are people I try not to date any more.

Michael Myers taught me to never let shit slide, even if it’s been years😌

When your relationship runs into a problem you can’t figure out, simply use BEDMAS to solve

Bacon
Eggs
Drinks
Meds
And
Sex

8yo got mad and retaliated by stomping out of the room and turning the light off on me, so I guess that’s one way to get her to turn the light off when she leaves the room.

Coworker: how was your thanksgiving?

Me: ……….. I assume you want me to hear about yours?

When people ask if I was dropped on the head as a child, my mother’s face turns red and she changes the subject.

Marked safe from having the gene that causes people to maniacally clean their house when they find out that someone is coming over to visit. I cannot say the same is true for my wife.

USERS: you’re alienating the people who actually use your product
TWITTER: likes are now florps
USERS: what
TWITTER: timeline goes sideways

My daughter used to be afraid of the monster in her closet but like I told her, it’s the ones under your bed that you really need to worry about