if I get married all my bridesmaids are going to be bats
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The problem with honey is that I could be in a hazmat suit watching a show about someone in Australia just looking at a jar of it and it would still wind up all over me.
[Job Interview]
How would you describe your time management skills?
Me: Can we talk about this later? I’m late for an appointment.
Women are like campfires.
Beautiful, hot, smell great, warm your heart.
And, both don’t like it if you pee on them.
Mostly.
The kitchen trash will be overflowing and my kids will keep stacking garbage on top like they’re playing Jenga.
Me: hey babe I got you something!
Wife: [from other room] it better not be that $400 LEGO Harry Potter Hogwarts Castle I told you not to buy.
Me: [clicking in the last brick to the $399 LEGO Harry Potter Hogwarts Castle] no it’s something different.
The older I get, the more I lose my looks. But I’m also losing my eyesight, so it’s not my problem
*playing Mortal Kombat*
Her: Can I try?
Me: Sure.
Her: Which one of them shoots that Handookie thingie?
Me: Hadouken?
Her: Yea.
Me: Leave.
Establish dominance over your doctor by asking what drugs he’s taking.
You’re all arguing about what color the dress is… While I’m having sex with the girl who took it off.
Transcript of Paul Ryan’s life since endorsing Trump
A woman at the gym wouldn’t let me wipe down the machine for her after I’d used it. I think this means we’re engaged
her: i smoked a lot of pot. what did u try in college
me: *crying* MY BEST, OK?
Podcasters who eat while recording: why do you hate your audience?
Sometimes, when I’m doing dishes, I’ll just start flinging them towards the cabinets and get mad when it doesn’t work out like it does in cartoons.
Every country has a wafer cookie, and every country thinks they invented it
“Hold on lemme just hotbox these bugs so I can steal and eat their goo.” -beekeepers everywhere
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*Wife (out of breath): Thanks for holding the elevator open
Me: No problem
I am a vigilante zombie for that chocolate I think is hidden in the pantry. I will find you and I will eat you.
Apparently, saying “make it a double” followed by an awkward wink doesn’t work at the pharmacy.
Egg nog was invented in Germany back in 1816 when Baron Von Heldebrandt reportedly said “Hey guys, let’s get this custard drunk!”
Why do people say half a dozen?
Why can’t they just say Six
How can a cemetery raise its burial charges and blame it on the cost of living?
Caveman 1: Tell me a story.
Caveman 2: Once upon a time….
Caveman 1: Woah you lost me!
Apparently everyone in this Court room doesn’t want to play Duck Duck Goose……Excuse me for trying to lighten up this murder trial.
me: they’re having a retirement party for my coworker
my father, an immigrant: what’s a retirement party? you mean a funeral?
Me: I want to buy this chicken
Farmer: Ok. Gonna take him home and eat him?
*imagines self fighting crime with new chicken buddy*
Me: Yes
ME: So, where are the Hobbits?
GUIDE: Again, that’s Middle Earth. This is Central America.
ME: Ooh, right. *Whispers in fear* Orc territory.
every girl is defined by their one lost love. and by that i mean the one fast food item that was discontinued without warning, subsequently ruining their life
Waiter: Are you finished?
ME: First of all, there’s still like 3 fries left.
Life was once a string of awkward silences but then I got a kazoo