why pay a therapist to pinpoint your flaws when people on Twitter will tell you for free
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her: we should get a labrador
me: idk seems like ppl with those go blind
Today our 4yo insisted on a large bowl of Golden Grahams, banana, and milk for breakfast, so long story short, my breakfast was 99% of a large bowl of Golden Grahams, bananas and milk
No. You simply have to put the mall hours on this sign. You simply have to.
My daughter is taking a bath and asking me to bring her Camping Barbie and every time I present a Barbie to her she says “No, CAMPING Barbie.” She is growing frustrated. I don’t know what to do. All of the Barbies are naked.
The Ugly Duckling is my favorite story about how everything is okay as long as you eventually become hot.
You can just put your own drawings up on the fridge. Nobody assumes an adult drew it so they’re always super impressed.
3 : Daddy, can we watch Frozen?
Me : Sorry, darling. We can’t watch Frozen in the summer because all the characters will melt.
“Shelley’s coming over.”
“Shelley from work or Shelley who was raised by gorillas?”
*gets hit in the face with poop*
If someone knocks on your door, knock back from the other side. That someone will go away. It works. Trust me, I just tried it this morning.
My wife thought I was going to the gym because I left in sweatpants, with a sweat towel and a gallon of water.
I was going to the all you can eat Chinese buffet.
OF COURSE I’m not on my first box of Christmas Tree Cakes! ARE YOU NUTS?!… I’m on my second.
If Twitter has taught me anything it’s
[several hours later]
time management.
I got locked out of my house after having dinner at an Italian restaurant. I had gnocchi.
Mom: What are you planning to make for Thanksgiving?
Me: A scene.
Mess with your coworkers by walking up behind them and whispering in their ear, “strike two”
[first day as a billionaire]
Me: I’ll take 300 egg mcmuffins and a small cup of your finest coke zero
I’ve been reading your Oscar tweets, and America should not vote on things as a general rule going forward.
*sees co-worker outside of work, hisses like a cat*
“you gotta put yourself out there” I declare confidently as I remove my pants on the bus
Happy: So there’s saliva on the foot area of Snow White’s glass coffin
*Dwarves all turn their heads*
Kinky: Oh, blame the new guy
I would wear Nike but I’m not a “Just do it” kinda guy. I’m more of a “Meh, I don’t wanna” kinda guy… so I wear Sketchers
Cop: Are you drunk? You were driving in the middle of 2 lanes
Me: No. I was pretending my car was Pacman eating the dotted line
microdosing lsd to gain a creative advantage at my job as a subway sandwich artist
I’m in line behind a lady with 100 coupons so come visit me in jail, OK?
My daughter wrote a story at school about a sad cat that drinks cocktails so I should probably call her teacher
HR called me in today and told me I have a bad attitude. So they’re transferring me over to IT and giving me a raise.
at work when it’s slow and everyone’s mad i like to say “at least we have our health and are surrounded by friends” and everyone gets more mad.
No one wants to talk about Dracula’s defining quality, turning into thousands of bats to avoid human contact.
[On my death bed]
My son: Before you go, could you make me pancakes?
Do assassins for hire offer holiday discounts? Comparison shopping seems a bit risky.