why pay a therapist to pinpoint your flaws when people on Twitter will tell you for free
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In high school I was voted Most Likely to Be Shot Dead While Trying to Steal Something of Moderate Value From a Texan.
Bought my daughter a cheap ‘Miss Piggy’ purse but sadly it was very pork wallety.
Never read To Kill a Mockingbird. Is that the one where Katniss admits she loves Peta?
Three steps to start a relationship.
1- buy a sheep
2- name it “relation”
3- now you have a relationsheep.
Pretty sure the “FINISH HIM” guy from Mortal Kombat is giving relationship advice to every girl I date.
Date: I’m looking for someone who is courageous.
Me: I’m braver than any marine.
Marine, at the table to my left: Excuse me?
Me: Any, uh, marine animal.
Manatee, on a date with the marine: Excuse us?
Either I stood up too quickly or this quart of vodka was deliciouser than I thought.
How to pick up a girl in a club:
1. Stare at her
2. Walk up to her
3. Shout stuff
Nice try little pine tree air freshener, but this gas station restroom needs the efforts of an entire forest.
I’m 30 years old and I’ve watched Frozen 18 times this week…
For those of you out there thinking about having unprotected sex tonight…
put ur hair in a man-bun. now put ur beard in a man-bun too. congratulations ur now a hamburger. be free, hamburger man.
me telling my computer i’ll update everything tomorrow
[being 40]
fitness device: you had a great 8 hrs of sleep and reduced your sleep debt! good job
me: aw great thanks but i feel kind of –
FD: your body is only 38% recovered today
me: wtf
Tom Cruise turns 60 Sunday. The reason he looks so young is because he donated half his age to Scientology.
My wife and I toss a coin to settle our arguments. If the coin comes down, she wins, if it stays suspended in air forever, I win.
My 7yo decided to make his video game character “look like daddy” by making him a grumpy necktie-wearing gorilla covered with gray hair, and I’d be mad but honestly the resemblance is uncanny
Just called to make an appointment with a psychic but she told me that I don’t show up.
jeff bezos: i don’t like it when people say i look like an alien
therapist: well you did exploit earth’s resources
bezos: so that i can build my spaceship
therapist:
bezos: *licks eyeball*
The only cardio that releases pleasurable endorphins is sex. I know this because 35min on a treadmill & I just want to punch someone!
*goes to Walmart*
*goes to Target*
*flies across world*
*takes train*
*rides in car*
*hikes highest mountain*
*gets to Guru*
Me: Where do I find the 3rd item on this school supply list?
BREAKING: Popeye Expresses Outrage as Pope Goes to Mount Olive
COP: pull over
ME: lol no it’s a cardigan
Q: Why isn’t the moon hairy?
A: Because it waxes every month.
Netflix: Are you still there?
Me: <in bed, potato chips in hair, dirty pajamas, no makeup, cats surrounding me> Do you really have to ask?
I’m not a narc, but I did see my neighbors cat on a random porch 2 blocks away, took a picture, and shouted IM TELLING YOUR DAD
What if ISIS started claiming responsibility for nice things like when my mom says, “who emptied the dishwasher?!”
I just raced a Smart car. He barely beat me, but that’s only cuz I stopped to tie my shoe.
If you boil a funny bone does it then become a laughing stock.
TWITTER: Nowhere will you find more gratuitous cleavage.
RENAISSANCE FESTIVAL: Hold my tankard of ale.