Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Interviewer: And do you have any experience as a carpenter?

Me, sweating nervously: YES I SPEND ALL OF MY FREE TIME CARPENTING. I’M VERY CARPENTROUS

Interviewer:

Me: I HAD FOUR RED BULLS BEFORE I CAME HERE IS THERE A BATHROOM I COULD BUILD?

Being a mom in your 40s is putting a timer in your phone to remind yourself to be the tooth fairy.

I want to be a lighthouse keeper who doesn’t go mad but instead maintains a healthy balance between making sure the light stays lit and my friends and family understand they come first unless I have to change the lightbulb.

Follow me on instagram here!
It won’t all be gold – most of it is barely pewter

some lady dressed as catwoman is walking around our halloween party just knocking drinks off tables

That time Alicia messaged me

If there’s a “Mr.” in front of your cat’s name you’re going to die alone.

Twitter: Ed Asner died

Me: Aw that’s so sad. What a great actor

T: Betty White is trending

Me: AAAAAAAAAA!!

T: She’s fine

Me: Why would you do that?

Mailman left a package on my porch labeled “Do Not Bend.” I can’t figure out how to pick it up.

I just noticed the light fixture in the bathroom is off center, so no, I won’t be renewing my lease.

HIM: promise you won’t tell anyone?

ME: yeah! [under my breath] except my best friend

HIM: what?

ME: nothing! [whispering] there is a hierarchy of loyalty and your position on that hierarchy is low

HIM: what did you say?

ME: that ur secret’s safe with me 🙂

I love drinking games…. except the one where you have to try to walk a straight line while saying the ABCs backwards

How to get a woman:

1) find one who sells cars
2) take a test drive
3) just keep driving

She’s yours now, plus you have a new car.

If someone offers you nuts by asking “Cashews?” and you don’t answer “God bless you” they will take away your dad card.

I have no covid-19 symptoms, which from what I hear, is a symptom of covid-19

ME AT AGE 6: I am 6 and three-quarters as of tomorrow!

ME YESTERDAY: I am…I wanna say 32? Wait what year is it?

Don’t tell me miracles don’t happen, I opened the dryer door and there was nothing inside!

Seagulls are when the sea clenches its pelvic floor

“If I eat my arm, I can’t technically gain any weight” – my thought process after only 5 days of dieting.

I’m doomed.

me: i won employee of the month

her: ur self-employed

me:

her:

me: i also got demoted

I, for one, understand ingrown hairs. I too have seen the world and would like to go back to where I came from

Coworker: Pass your random drug test?

Me: With flying colors!

CW: Really?

Me. So many colors!

CW: You’re high right now aren’t you?

I’m coaching my son’s soccer team because it’s important that he knows I’ll swear at other kids, too.

*watches a show about global warming*
Yeah whatever, doesn’t affect me.

*watches a show about bear attacks*
Would I be able to take a bear?

I’m not crazy, I’m just mentally spicy.

No matter how hard I try, I just never seem to run out of bad ideas.

Twitter is cool because you can sit in your underwear and talk to friends and if you try that in real life you will no longer be allowed within 500 feet of ANY Starbucks

Sometimes I’m right.

Other times my wife is close enough to hear what I’m saying.