Why pay for therapy when the lady in the Starbucks drive thru window is willing to listen to you venti?
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[ spelling bee ]
judge: your word is feeling
me: can you use it in a sentence
judge: how are you feeling
me: ok
judge: wrong
HR: Once again – “Judy from the Internet said so” isn’t a valid excuse….
Me: But…
[working at the DMV]
Me *covering phone mouthpiece*: a Mr. Godzilla wants to know if he can upload his photo or does he have to come here?
Boss: *sweating profusely*
Haters gonna hate.
Procrastinaters gonna … get back to you on that tomorrow…
Sequel to Cats (2019) called 2 Cats 2 Curious
Nothing confuses me more than a straight up street thug with braces.
Showering is the worst. You mean I’ve gotta clean this body AGAIN? Has it been rolling in the mud? No. It’s been checking emails and watching Netflix. It is now unpresentably filthy. Stand in this loud wet box and confront your mortal vessel. You can’t even play a phone game.
We need more insane laws like New Jersey’s “can’t pump your own gas” rule. No tying your own shoes in Delaware. It’s illegal to make your own pancakes in Wyoming. Don’t even try to shear your own sheep in Montana. I dare you to blow up your own balloons in Tennessee
Remember, your neighbours aren’t going to be attacked by killer bees on their own. You have to want it. You need to make it happen.
[pronounces testosterone like macaroni]
An apple a day will keep anyone away if you throw it hard enough
[road trip]
DAUGHTER: I have to use the bathroom.
ME: *pulls into rest stop*
DAUGHTER: Thanks.
ME: Make sure you’re back in 5 minutes.
DAUGHTER: I will.
ME: We accidentally left your brother behind once.
DAUGHTER: I don’t have a brother.
ME: Exactly.
“Boint, B-U-R-N-T, boint.” – mafia spelling bee.
can’t believe alcohol is the legal one. when I get too drunk I want to make the worst mistakes of my life. when I get too high I want to mix all the dipping sauces and be a better friend
Kylo Ren: I will finish what you started
Me (running relay race): dude just take the baton
“Susan cancel my 2 o’clock”
Both hands stuck in Pringles cans again? Here let me help
“no no no I need to learn to do this on my own”
My Guy
Keep in mind that parenting guides are written by people with enough free time & financial resources to write a parenting guide.
[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care
To the person who got hold of my voodoo doll.
Stop feeding it!
#Fitness #Diet #RubbishJokes
#SaturdayMorning
I saw a horse last week and didn’t immediately say ‘horse” but it finally came out today in the middle of an important meeting and everyone thought I was brain storming
Wife: So what are you going to do in retirement?
Me: My dream is to have my own taco truck.
Wife: You want to run a business?
Me: Business?
[watching Canadian Geese slowly walk across the street]
Me: ya know you can fly !
I’ve reprogrammed my FitBit to allow for more me time. And by reprogram, I mean I’ve attached it to the leg of a deer.
I was born to run.
Wanna buy something but can’t find it online?
Just text someone about it! Instagram will show you ads the next minute.
Problem solved.
Waiter: Can I get you something to drink?
Me: just cheese dip
Waiter: ….
Me: With a straw please
Kids: We’re bored!
Me: Why don’t you go play Uno and then fight when someone loses?
I’m looking for a guy in finance
Trustworthy
Six eyes
Blue piesOkay, so he doesn’t exist but neither does the guy in the original version
I ironed my dress this morning while I was wearing it. So, yes Mensa, I will join your club.
carolers: *knock on door*
(Simon Cowell answers the door)
carolers: *gulp*