Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What even happened today?

NINE MONTHS LATER, A FIRE TRUCK WAS BORN

Accidentally played Pearl Jam and now every 40 year old white guy is sprinting towards my house

I’m just saying, if I was a divorce lawyer, I’d locate my firm directly across the street from an Ikea.

Did you get that psychic damage I sent you

If you say the word “Pinterest” near me in a face to face physical human setting, I will kick you in your poo-hole.

If the chef tells me he made this with blood, sweat, and tears I’m calling the health department

[last night]
*does dozens of squats to impress a cute guy at the gym*

[this morning]
*takes half an hour to get down a flight of stairs*

Wife: you’re drunk
Me: no’m not
Wife: I’M JUST A POOR BOY NOBODY LOVES ME
Me: HE JURSTA PRO BROY FUMMA FLOOR FLAMLEE
Wife:
Me: ok lil bit

School be like

Coworker: got a second?
Me: you mean the one you just wasted or another one?

Today is the 10th anniversary of the day I made deep and sustained eye contact with a very beautiful woman on the train and later when I got to work I saw I had a big wad of rice stuck to the rim of my glasses 🙏

If your friend says they can’t swim, don’t make them go in the water because they might be hiding the fact that they’re a robot and you don’t want them to know that you know.

[Science Meeting, 1924]

Why don’t we tell the people that every snowflake is unique? It’s not like they’ll ever really check

“Let’s do it”

I’m not self medicating myself with booze. The guy at the liquor store wrote me a prescription.

Well he called it a receipt…whatever.

ok guys the gofundme I set up to hire a hitman to kill me is already at 3x its goal you can stop contributing

NEIGHBOR: Is that your dog running around your yard?
ME: No. That’s a fence.

Him: You’ll always be the one that got away. Me: Escaped. Him: What? Me: I said Thanks.

Never ‘boop’ a police officer on the nose when he pulls you over for speeding; I know this now.

Pilot: “Attention passengers, our engines have failed. We may not make it.”

Me, still wearing parachute pants since the 80s: “I KNEW this day would come!”

A: OMG what happened?
B: Worst dentist appointment I ever had
A: I mean are you okay?
B: oh sure, it’s not my blood

If you have a plateful of generic fries they’ll only steal one, but you’ll wish they had taken them all

I wear a Fanny Pack to Olive Garden just so I can steal more breadsticks.

When I was a kid I thought shrimp cocktails had alcohol in them and I thought it was such a weird way to get drunk

too old for tik tok, too young for facebook, too weird for linkedin, not weird enough for reddit, too ugly for instagram…where will i go now

Horses are a great pet for anyone who’s ever wished their bicycle could make bad choices

I react to seeing a pizza the way most women react when they see a baby. It makes me want another one of my own.

When they told you to ‘seek attention’, they meant ‘medical’, not ‘internet’, psychopath.

Having a personal trainer at the gym is like having that bully in school. They still terrorize you, but now they make you do pistol squats before taking your lunch money.

I’m doing the 30 day taco cleanse