Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Maybe she was just being paranoid, but Wendy couldn’t help feeling that she was being monitored.

let us all return to a simpler time, such as when i believed astroturf was farmed in space and brought to earth

Grocery stores don’t change layouts to piss off the customers, they do it to piss off their employees. Trust me.

Whoever thinks money doesn’t buy happiness can deposit it in my bank account.

work smarter, not harder

We made fun of recipe bloggers for including stories but now online recipes are actual hell. It used to be a cute story about a trip to Italy but now you have to search through “17 techniques for chopping garlic” and “8 tools you could use for garlic chopping (Amazon links included)” and 12 ads to MAYBE find the recipe.

ME [buying a packet of bird seed] so how many birds will I be able to grow?

If I had known what cleaning a toilet is like with a husband and two sons I would’ve become a lesbian.

Welcome to your 40s, you now don’t understand a single word anyone under 25 is saying

[First Date]
“Okay don’t let her know you’re a tool shed”
Waiter: Anything to drink?
Date: a screwdriver please
*My head slowly opens*

ME: hey boss it looks like I bit off a little more than I could chew

MORTICIAN: you’re so fired

“male healers in final fantasy games are weird it feels gay to be healed by a man”

folks are we gonna tell him about real life doctors or nah

*Big Bad Wolf sees 3 little pigs planning to build houses of straw, lumber and brick
*buys stock in Home Depot

coworker: we’re all gonna go to dinner next thursday. you in?

me: no thanks i’m not hungry

My class teacher once said “Write and Practice.” Turns out she was right. I practiced on my desk just before I started my exam and it worked

Me: You’re getting so tall!

Child: I don’t really like that because it means I’m getting older and when you’re older you’re closer to dying.

Me: …Oh.

Child: Sorry, I won’t talk about that. It might scare you.

Me:

Child: Because you’re already so old and close to dying.

Steve Buscemi is the only reported case of the saying “If you keep making that face, it’s going to get stuck that way” being true.

My aunt said she was thankful for the best family in the world and I said “when are they coming?” and it MURDERED.

Making snow angels but it’s just me rolling around in pizza cheese.

my 7 year old said Batman was his favorite animal and it was too late to switch mine

Having a cat is like having a teddy bear that is always investigating a murder.

Sometimes I think I am pretty smart and then I try to breathe my own saliva.

To avoid taking down my Christmas lights, I’m making my house into an Italian restaurant.

Airlines trust I can operate an emergency door and usher hundreds of passengers to safety but think I need step by step instructions on buckling a seatbelt.

Me: He’s starting to stir!
Wife: Shhhh.
Me: OH MY GOD…
Wife: Be quiet.
Me: HE’S GOT A KNIFE!
Wife: I hate watching cooking shows with you.

Don’t call me “Dad”, please call me by my professional title, “Half-Eaten Food Connoisseur Broken Toy Engineer Butt-Wipeologist”.

College: Now that you’re making tons of money with your degree, please donate back to us every year
Me: lol
College: lol ikr?

[coworker barging in my office] can I ask you something?
[me clicking off the santa tracker website in april] is it about how to knock jeff?

When I had to tediously pull one hundred and forty three bobby pins out of my wife’s hair on our wedding night, I probably should’ve taken that as a sign.