This makes total sense…
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Sometimes I drown cookies in milk in front of their family until they tell me the whereabouts of the Keebler Elves.
Thanks for pointing out that I misspelled a word that I completely made up.
I stand incorrected.
Never ask a girl “How are you single?”
BECAUSE THEY WILL SHOW YOU
This is the ideal male body. You may not like it but this is what peak performance looks like.
Me, before kids: my kids will not spend their time on electronics.
Me, after kids: iPad is your mom now.
Is your junk drawer full or also pulls out the drawer beneath it full?
Who has two thumbs and refused to read the instruction manual for his electric carving knife? Not my Uncle Joel, that’s for sure.
how much for the angry fruit?
I DO NOT recommend a talking scale.
My scale: I thought you were on a diet.
Sorry I haven’t returned your text in 3 days, I was taking a nap.
I hate when I grab a live wire and everyone sees my damn skeleton
You come to my house…on the day my daughter is to be married…and you ask me to do murder for money
My friend keeps saying, “cheer up man it could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.”
I know he means well.
[Pulling brother’s life support plug]
*whispers in ear*
“This is for that time you cheated at Monopoly.”
Friend: are you mad?
Me: what no
Friend: you look mad
Me: I have 4 kids it’s just my face
[Office Supply Store]
Me: *getting toner*
Clerk: Sir, please stop those jumping jacks.
someone ate my burrito from the office fridge. i will level this building.
Officer: Can you identify the burglar’s screwdriver from these ten pictures? And his headwear from these ten?
Me: It’s tool eight; Fourth hat.
Officer: We won’t catch him with that attitude, sir.
Searching twitter for the account of the bee that just stung me so I can pull up some of it’s old questionable tweets
Me: You can’t arrest me. I have to run a marathon today.
Cop: Stop playing the race card.
People who ignore me just haven’t learned to make the best of a bad situation.
Me: You’re not allowed on the couch.
Dog: Oh yah? Well you’re not allowed to scratch my head!
Me:
Dog:
Me: Didn’t think that through, did you?
Dog: Not really, no.
Bagpipes.
An octopus-shaped instrument in a plaid skirt that sounds like a Canadian goose with a foot trapped in an escalator.When played with proper accompaniment, they somehow sound marvelous!
*being chased by serial killer
Me: hold on I need to put on my Fitbit
People in glass houses can throw whatever they want. They live in a glass house, I’m not expecting them to be practical
Don’t eat yellow snow. Red snow, on the other hand, is debatable. Could be horrible, could be cherry.
“Are you mad at me?”
No. Why? Should I be?? Did you do something??? WHAT DID YOU DO????
My wife and I had a real Fairytale wedding. A wolf killed her grandma during the ceremony and then we ate stolen porridge from some bears.
Therapist: When you look in the mirror, what do you see?Me: I see myself you friggin idiot. Let me see your degree
therapist: so, what do you say when she says that
me: you sound like your mom
therapist: 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️