Why pink camo? Do people hunt barbie jeeps or try to sneak up on pepto bismol?
You Might Also Like
The Princess and the Pea
except it’s a rogue hair on the inside of my shirt driving me crazy all day
I’m sorry for all the traffic today in Los Angeles. I went outside in tiny shorts
Can’t believe my dog just ran into Petco and left me in the car with the windows rolled up
Just made an annoying kid shut right up by making a throat slash gesture.
So I guess you could say I’m like a child whisperer.
My 4 year old refused his dinner but it’s ok because I caught him eating a Milkbone earlier
[Breakup]
Her: We’re just different
Him: How?
Her: Well, you want to hike & camp
Him: And?
Her: And I want to be a cartoon on the internet
i did it God! i finaly got 2 of evry animal
NOAH.THEY HAVE TO BE ALIVE
*noah looks at boat full of dead animals*
do u kno how long this took
The best thing about eating healthy food is all the incredible food you eat an hour later because you’re so hungry…
Spiders can live in my house until they get big enough where I feel compelled to find them before I fall asleep.
Now, everyone come help me find Carl.
Freezing bananas before they go bad is a great tip I learned 6 months ago. Now I have a freezer full of bananas
If you read enough tweets you can tell the approximate time the tweeter switched from coffee to alcohol
Is your junk drawer full or also pulls out the drawer beneath it full?
My new yoga instructor’s name is Matt so I called him “Yoga Matt” & he said “yeah, don’t ever call me that”. Yoga Matt isn’t very zen.
[Wendy and the Burger King having sex]
King: You like this?
Wendy: I’m loving it!
*the Burger King stops*
King: What did you just say?
I bet deaf people scare the shit out of bank tellers when they hand them a note.
Me: Wouldn’t it be funny if a hawk swooped down and grabbed one of the kids?
Him: You need help.
Used the words “manic pixie dream boy” in therapy years ago and my therapist had no idea what it referred to and to this day continuously uses a different string of words for it “dream elf pretty boy” “party boy dream something”
I lovingly caress my belly.
“You’re expecting?” a woman asks.
I smile serenely. “Just ate an amazing burrito,” I tell her.
The X-Files will have 3 back to back episodes that are dead serious about elaborate conspiracies where anyone can be killed for knowing too much, and then the very next episode will be like “Scully there’s a dude I wanna check out who thinks he’s a goat”
Everyone thinks their kids are normal until you’re leaving instructions for a sitter and you’re like, “do not open the applesauce pouch all the way- open it halfway, hand it to him, and back away slowly. Also he has to sleep with 3 pacifiers and Lightning McQueen.”
@SchmuckOnAHorse “Dad, why is my sister named Teresa?”
“Because your Mom loves anagrams, and Teresa is an anagram of Easter, the day she was conceived.”
“Thanks, Dad.”
“No problem, Alan.”
A clean house is the true sign of a broken WIFI.
[guy about to invent bowling]
let’s have some fun, but not too much
mountain lion attacks are on the rise. especially in california. be prepared!
My house is clean so please don’t eat or drink or come by or let my child come home.
Me: I look like shit today.
Shit: you wish buddy.
He’s the one. I know it. Don’t you agree?
Jar of pickled onions: I think you’ve had enough to drink
[Creation]
God: These dinosaurs are ruining the place!
Angel: Maybe they’ll evolve?
G: *throws a rock*
A: Sick shot!
G: Next time, apes
WHEN YOU’RE A GHOST, YOU CAN:
1. Float through walls!
2. Find a body in the wall!
3. Wait, that’s you.
4. But then who did they bury in your grave?
5. Solve mysteries!
PILOT: we’ll be experiencing some cabin pressure changes
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: *sits down next to me* so have you thought about going back to school