@SolelyB

Why pink camo? Do people hunt barbie jeeps or try to sneak up on pepto bismol?

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@1Bad_Scientist

I’m at my most British when she says “teabag me” and I drop a sack of Earl Grey in her mouth.

@skittle624

I just watered a few plants so I’m ready to open a landscaping business.

@KentWGraham

My wife had me try three new positions in the bedroom last night. But she ended up wanting the dresser back where it was.

@Not_Uncle_Hoot

I made the kids put sunglasses on the snowman so he wouldn’t have to make eye contact with the neighbors.

@lovemyboots111

“One day I caught myself smiling for no reason, then I realized I was thinking of you….”

under a moving bus

@Michael1979

Reasons I’m not married:

– Am focusing on my karate career

– Wedding could clash with karate class

– Honeymoon might make me miss karate training

– All the lovemaking could sap my energy ahead of karate class

– Wife may be in cahoots with my rivals to distract me from karate

@Shade510

<——-Wants the burger

<——-Needs the salad

@ktoab

I don’t have a spirit animal. I have a judgemental chicken that’s followed me around my whole life shaking its head disapprovingly.

@Darlainky

I just misread genetic as generic. I don’t know whether to blame the poor eyesight I inherited from my dad or these store brand reading glasses.