Why procrastinate now when you can always procrastinate later?
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Still no power, and it looks like it’ll be off at least a few more days. So, it’s Mexican takeout by candlelight. Just like the original 12 wise men.
My husband: (from the other room) Can you give me an update?
Me: Um, can you be more specific?
Husband: Let’s focus on this week’s developments
Me: Ok, so I’m trying a different dish soap because-
Him: (peeks head in) Can you please stop that? I’m on a work call
If sex doesn’t include peanut butter, a live mongoose, and my psychiatrist taking notes then I don’t want it.
Going to spend some time this weekend getting in touch with my inner pumpkin.
“Do I need to put my shoes back on for this?” is apparently a bad answer when your boss calls you into a meeting
I’m sick and I’m going to work today; so if there’s some kind of Contagion-level outbreak, I’m your patient-zero.
My husband just yelled, “WE DONT GOAT SCREAM IN THE HOUSE!” In case you’re wondering how quarantine is going.
[In line at Starbucks]
[Woman behind me talking] I work in an office with 50% men so-
[Excitedly turn around] OMG YOU WORK WITH CENTAURS
[hears a voice in the sky]
– Is it you? GOD?!
[kneels]
Voice: Could the idiot on platform 4 stop kneeling every time I make an announcement?
Someone once told me “If you love something, set it free”. I told them not to mind about those noises coming from the basement.
If the final comments of your speech last 45 minutes, please don’t preface them with “and lastly”.
the only reason i’m gonna go to my 10 year high school reunion is to see if the kid that wore shorts year round is wearing shorts
When you ask your waiter for an extra pickle, don’t wink. It can easily be misinterpreted.
I’ll usually order the chicken sandwich. I like my food to be more cowardly than I am.
I’m hosting an antisocial potluck,
Feel free to drop off your food and go
asian women will be in palo alto pushing a $5000 stroller holding a birkin wearing 2-3 cartier bracelets having a 5 carat diamond ring wearing chanel sunglasses and some blonde woman wearing yoga pants at the grocery store will be like are you the nanny
Just thinking about the time when my then 5y/o son wanted to be Indiana Jones for Halloween. He never saw the movie, but thought it’d be cool to have a whip so he could “whip all the annoying people” and I thought it was funny until he told me that I was one of them.
“Evolution-schmevolution!”
-Bill DeNye, the Non-Science Guy
I asked my 4 yr old if he was excited to be in his Uncle’s wedding To which he responded “yeah and I can’t wait to be the ring bear I have been practicing” and then proceeded to get on all fours and growl loudly at me. No plans to correct his understanding of his role
She’s got style
She’s got grace
She dropped her cellphone on her face
She’s a lady
Pennies from heaven would actually be quite devastating.
I think the worst part about the collapse of civilization will be all those people with no way to remove their braces.
My husband grew up in a small town and always says that the cops harassed his family for no reason and then he’ll proceed to tell me a story that makes me agree with the cops immediately.
Don’t get why guys complain about “sleeping on the couch”
I pay good money to sleep on the couch, but I wish the shrink would shut up.
As the day goes on, coworkers start appearing more flammable.
I hate camping with my English teacher friend because he insists we only use the perfect tents.
Doc: How’d you get these scars all over your legs?
Me: Dorito crumbs in the bed.
[There could only be a finite number of possible outcomes to a situation that you are likely to face tommorrow]
Your Anxiety: ummm lets see!
8: momma why didn’t you swim?
Me: I wasn’t in the mood and not a big fan of swimming.
8: well I’m not ever in the mood or a fan of school and I have to do that.
telling a musician “great content tonight, man” after their set