Why procrastinate now when you can always procrastinate later?
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My neighbor has a couple of cameras on her house, every time I go past I wave at her through the camera, she told me the other day she gives me the finger.
You don’t know rock bottom until someone tries to tickle your neck fat.
I heard someone say they were happy just to be upright and I thought that was weird because lying down is amazing.
i speak three languages: english, bad french and the body language of an emotionally compromised and haunted male detective
Every time my daughter drinks juice she says “cheers” so…. no, not looking forward to parent teacher conferences.
13: Mom, you look younger every day.
M: What do you want?
13: A new skateboard.
M: How young?
13: 29
M: Done.
[high school]
Parents: we’re so proud of you for not doing drugs
Me [literally does not even know where I could find an drug if I wanted one]: thank
#SaturdayVibes Never forget #BishopSycamore: The fake high school that tricked ESPN into airing their games. 😭🏈📺
Uh oh I planned two dates today thinking one of them would cancel and now I have to come up with a lie and quick
I’ll bet Timmy would never have fallen down that well if his parents would’ve coughed up the money for a HUMAN instead of a dog babysitter.
I hate being the walking dead.
I wish I could be the driving dead.
Even the bus riding dead would do.
So, can we agree on 4 or
“Sarcasm will take you nowhere in the world”, my friend kept saying.
“It got me to the international Sarcasm finals in Monaco in 2017”
“Really “?
“No”
Very normal stages of anger:
1) kinda upset
2) crying
3) imagining yourself singing a revengeful song to them at a talent show
4 told me we were playing hospital, and then told me to wait because she had to go get her cash register. Even at that age, they get it.
“The N stands for number – so no need to say ‘PIN number’.
“Terribly sorry, I’ll start again: ‘You’re dead if you don’t give me your PIN’.
Hear me out: Spray-on wrapping paper.
ME: We rescued her from the pound, but I often ask myself “who saved who?”
DOG: We’ve been over this…it’s “Who saved ‘whom’.”
I hope whoever came up with the spelling for Wednesday was pudnished for their actions.
I exercise by keeping the whisky bottle on the far side of the room.
Keep your friends close and a bag of chips closer.
John Hammond: *proudly* At Jurassic Park, we spare no expense
Me: So where’s all the security?
John Hammond: We had one guy but he got eaten so we’re on our own
Me: I’m going for a walk
Wife: Huh! I thought you were going to make fried rice?
Me: Yes, but you said to cook that right, I’ll need to use a walk
i like calling a man my “former lover” because then it sounds like it happened in france and not in the bonefish grill parking lot
Cauliflower’s mom: you can be anything you want baby
Broccoli’s mom: [arranging marriage with cheese] this is all you get, sweetheart
5-year-old: Why are we here?
Me: Philosophers still don’t know
5: No, why are we HERE
Wife: Your dad is lost and won’t ask for directions
I decided not to go for a run today because of the weather but mostly because of the running.
Friend: Do you know karate?
Me: [wanting to sound cool but not overly cocky] I’ve heard of him.
Me: *Holding a fist full of lit sparklers* How much for the aggressive incense?