Why procrastinate today when you can procrastinate tomorrow?
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Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
-trying to put on my distressed denim jeans
They call it a coffin because you’re finally coughing up that inheritance, grandma
A black James Bond? Wouldn’t work. He’d be pulled over every 15 minutes for driving an Aston Martin.
Go bears!
(I’m not watching football I just hate salmon)
To be fair, I did a lot of stupid shit before I was married too. Now I just have someone who judges me for it.
[interview]
“How would you describe your people skills?”
ME: I tend to drive others away.
“That’s great! Welcome to Uber.”
deleting my mental health to focus on social media
I tried on and bought two pairs of jeans today without testing my phone in the back pocket. I don’t even know who I am anymore.
“and it goes without saying…”
*proceeds to say it*
Me: Are you done cleaning?
7-year-old: No.
Me: So what should you be doing?
7: Hiding.
She cleans like me.
The plan was to keep eating these alcoholic chocolates until I was either drunk or diabetic. I didn’t bargain on “bankrupt” being an option.
Day 2 of home schooling:
One is taking a maths test in bed, two is taking his psychology lesson in the toilet and I can’t find the third.
The fastest way to teach a kid to ride a bike is to strap their feet to the pedals and chase them with broccoli.
I predict that Obama’s next move is to threaten to hold his breath until Russia leaves the Crimea.
I listen to your prayers, but only to correct their grammar.
People are like plastic bags: Some are meant to fly, some have holes — but are still useful — and, well, others are full of dog shit.
You’re never too old to set goals. For example, today I’m not going to pee in my pants.
Me: Send prudes.
Her: Wait, did you mean nudes?
Me: What? Ew. No.
Watched my neighbor pull off this morning with his coffee on top of his car.
I could have warned him, but I’m out of stuff to watch.
If your Facebook picture is a photo of a sunset or something inanimate, I’ll assume you have a dissociative identity disorder.
*wife walks in*
*sees cheese balls everywhere*
*shakes head*“what? 8 won’t get better at catching food in his mouth if we don’t practice”
You’d seriously think I was wanted for murder by the way I react when someone knocks on the door…
I’m not saying it’s hard for me to lose weight, I’m just saying if you interrupt me when I’m eating I’m starting over.
My husband got *me* a fitness game for the Nintendo for Christmas.
I was like “what are you trying to say?”
Now the kids are at level 130 and wearing themselves out daily while out of my hair.
Turns out he’s a great gift giver.
Stop legislating morality, instead of serving size just TELL us what the whole party size bag of Tostitos calorie count would be FFS
No my Darling, I won’t be skipping to the loo. I have a situation and I shall be walking, ever so slowly, ever so carefully, to the loo. Like I’m transporting nitroglycerin in a Conestoga over the Sierra Nevada.
9: What are you going to be for Halloween dad?
me: Drunk
9: What’s mom gonna be?
me: Mad
Calling peoples opinions of me “fan theories “
One day you’re young and the next you can’t duck under the garage door without tripping the sensor.