Why procrastinate today
When you could procrastinate tomorrow
You Might Also Like
Me: I had a nightmare that someone broke into our house and tried to steal our kids
Husband: What’s the nightmare part?
My aunt: [to my kid] You’ve gotten so big!
Me, quietly to myself: don’t say it, don’t say it, don’t say it…
My kid: So have you!
Me: There it is
So, if you get pregnant in Vegas, does the baby have to stay there?
Still waiting for a politician to abruptly resign because someone on Twitter with 27 followers told them to.
My sister asked if I stole her cream sweater. Uh, yeah. Who else would’ve stolen it? You think a burglar broke in and was like “Cute top!”
The soft snowflakes swirling in the night sky remind me of the time mom had too much gin and threw a roast duck at dad for taking her youth.
Client – is your boss available
Receptionist – he’s currently una –
Me – he’s been in the bathroom for almost 20 damn minutes
I’m not sure why this works, but it does. LMAO
Around my neighborhood I’m affectionately known as “Please stop taking pictures of my flowers you weirdo.”
Kids today will never know the joy of being selected to go outside to dust the erasers.
“You know a lot of people think you built the pyramids”
The alien trying to abduct me:
why do you have so much Mayonnaise in your fridge
Whoever invented the spoon caused quite a stir.
Sugar in the bloodstream, I’m the world’s problem now.
I want you to cuff my hands behind my back.
Not for sex play but to keep my fingers away from the keyboard after reading some of the stupid shit you post.
Be yourself; everyone else is already Batman.
I took my kids to a restaurant for the first time in a year.
Turns out the pandemic was not the only reason I was avoiding taking them in public
NO MATTER HOW MANY ALIENS BIT SCULLY SHE STUCK TO HER GUNS LIKE “NO THESE ARE SCIENCE BITES”. KINDA GOTTA RESPECT THAT.
My mom is terrified of how fast I drive on the freeway, so I’m preparing a soothing little playlist for when she comes to visit in a few weeks
waiter: would you like the bill?
me: no
Van lifers be like “we converted our minivan into a mobile home for our family of 12 with 7 pets!”
What if ants aren’t insects at all but are vehicles that even smaller insects drive to work?
Thousands of people are attacked by sea creatures every year. We at BP are dedicated to bringing that number down. You’re welcome!
*Crawls into bed exhausted
Bladder: knock knock
My OnlyFangs is just me snapping my teeth at the camera and biting someone occasionally.
I’m not sure if this snake is trying to ask me a question or if he’s just eaten a candy cane.
thankfully, most bananas are boneless
“Why are people so willing to believe unscientific nonsense?” ask the editors of newspapers that publish horoscopes.
Me: “My wish is have a nice quiet retirement in a little house by the water.”
Genie:
I swallow at least one note per meal that says “we’re all really proud of you,” in case the person who does my autopsy is having a bad day.
(Speaking to 7 year old)
Lying is wrong. Now go tell them you’re 6 so we can board the flight early.