Why procrastinate today
When you could procrastinate tomorrow
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Me: you don’t want to finish your dinner?
4yo: (hands me plate) I’m full
Me: are you sure…
4yo: I’M FULL! I’M FULL!
Me: (taking plate from 4yo) ok then…
4yo: Can I have a snack?
Me: 🧐
I don’t like to insult women, but I’m not a big fan of my boyfriend’s other girlfriend.
I’ve never undergone actual physical torture but yesterday I was on a Teams call with someone who said “yep, yep” about two dozen times.
Not to brag but both my kids are from the same dad
I wear the same 2 Halloween costumes every year. I start off as a “ghost” and end up as a “drunk ghost that needs a ride home.”
*walking into someone’s house with healthy, thriving houseplants everywhere*
Me: Oh, I see you dabble in witchcraft.
[1st day working at appliance store]
CUSTOMER: How do I turn this dishwasher on?
ME: *leans in close and whispers* Foreplay
The grass is fuckin greener wherever you water it…….
….idiot….
The best thing people can do in a bear attack is break down emotional barriers.
Convince the bear she’s loved and has value.
Compliment her commitment to her cubs.
“Raising kids AND hunting? How do u find the time?” is a fantastic ice breaker.
*holds boombox over my head outside your window
Me (shouting) Do you have eight “C” batteries?
[David Attenborough voice]
and although the female human is no longer hungry she returns once more to the fridge.
Gordon Ramsay is making us dinner. It’s a four curse meal.
other job applicant: good luck
me: im gonna tell the boss you hate his hair
other job applicant: what
me loudly: I actually like his haircut
There is so much misplaced anger in this world. And so much of it is aimed at Brussels sprouts. Sad.
*during sex
Her: This feels weird. Is it a waterbed?
Me: Nope. Way better.
*pulls back sheet to reveal hundreds of meatball subs
guy in the stall next to me at this bar is ordering a pizza on the phone & I now realize my commitment to pizza is severely lacking
Grocery shopping before Christmas is a nightmare… My gallon of milk expired while I was waiting in line….
[husband opening refrigerator]
Me: “What are you looking for?”
Him: “I don’t know, but I’m sure we don’t have it”
Fitness friend: Do you know what you’re putting in your body?
*flashes back to ex
*shudders
JUDGE: I may send u to jail. But if u act less condescending, I’ll let u go free
ME [waving goodbye to my family] u mean condescendingLY
chik-fil-a employee: It Would Be My Dying Wish To Serve You, Great Lord
me: I just want some nuggets man
cfa employee: I Would Die For You
I curse you with throw pillows that explode into more throw pillows every time you throw them.
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
[Doctor’s Office]
Dr: I’m not going to candy-coat this….
Me: *misses bad results of test because I’m imagining a coat made of Skittles*
Impractical Joke: Replace my girlfriends house cat’s with mountain lions so she think’s she is shrinking.
Me: These are my children, Brian & Susan.
Her: What?!? Children? Since when?
Me: Since I’m getting audited today.
We lay under the maple tree, the evening sun casting a warm glow on our faces. Turning to me, she said-
“Please stop narrating everything.”
*travels back in time just to slap some guy across the cheek with a glove and call him a scoundrel*
Ramadan month is exhausting. You have to wait all day to Instagram your food.
So many recipes say they can be made with stuff you definitely have in your kitchen already, but then none of them ever call for expired sour cream or the giant extra thing of red pepper flakes you bought by accident.