Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Looking for a new spicy potato chip?

-Hot Pringles in your area

*tying a ton of balloons to my neighbor’s dog* Good boy, Oliver, now take your incessant barking to the sky

I’ve done hundreds of crossword puzzles over the years, but just this morning I noticed they provide clues.

Me, to my cat: You are amazing, I adore you, I understand your time on earth is short and one day I will regret not spending as much of it as possible with you, but…. can you please leave me alone for, like, 5 minutes???

No one in this airport bathroom wants to make prolonged eye contact with me

I did squats today. Mostly because I was hiding from a coworker.

GUY: hey pal, if you have a problem, say it to my face

ME: *gets really close* i’m two months behind on my rent

“I hate confrontation”

“No, you don’t”

[Dorothy, years after Oz, recounting her adventures to her grandchildren]
DOROTHY: *Smiles warmly* When I was your age, I murdered a woman and stole her shoes.

Job interview with the NSA

Applicant: Would you like references?
NSA: We have everything we need.
App: You guys!
NSA: I know, right!

Cop: *with my license* says here you’re supposed to wear glasses
Me: I have contacts
Cop: I don’t care who you know, put your glasses on

A man suffered a heart attack at the drive thru. I quickly Macgyvered a pencil to his electric car & defibrillated him. I was that hungry.

Looking at pictures of myself as a kid taken just after my mother cut my bangs makes me wonder what she used to mix in her Tang.

I told my kids to stop fighting, so now they’re playing with dolls who are fighting.

Me: oil change plz
Toyota: it’ll be $39
Me: cool heres my $2 off coupon

4 hrs later
T: ur steering wheel fell off total is $2900 sign here

“About this postcard ‘Having a wonderful time wish you were here.’ Why didn’t you want me to come with you in the first place?”

“Then I would have had to reword it.”

This is a baby horse: it can walk 4 hours after it’s born
This is a baby human: don’t touch its head wrong or you’ll bonk its brain

Whenever I think of you, I am grateful for the many, many miles between us.

[job interview]
interviewer: any weaknesses?
death star: only a little one

Nice try horror movies, but everyone in my generation is already terrified to answer their phones

POLLY GETS A CRACKER WHEN HE STOPS REFERRING TO HIMSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON, and not a moment before. Stupid bird.

I have consumed so much potato salad the last couple of days, I’m sweating mayo

My wife and I tried for a long time to have kids. Nearly 12 minutes one night.

How do you stop Canadian bacon from curling in a frying pan?

Take away its tiny brooms 🧹

[walking dog in park]
girl: “awww, he’s cute.. whats his name?”
dog: “keith”
[me and the dog high five]

30 is the new 20 until you hang out with 20 yr olds.

mountain lion attacks are on the rise. especially in california. be prepared!

Turns out 6 foot penguins don’t exist, in related news, I might have just ran over a nun.