Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Any animal that has a face CAN SPEAK. They’re just being stubborn.

When you and your favorite bird are very high at the zoo

As long as the stupid phrase “interracial relationship” exists, I’m going to refer to same race ones as a “color-coordinated relationship.”

Boss: You need supervision.
Me: *squints really, really hard*

yes, I did pass these out on my last family vacation.

SPELLING BEE: spell “configurable”
ME: C-O-N-F-I-G-U-R-A-B–
SPELLING BEE: (interupting) yes i am a bee but i fail to see why thats relevant

Airport moving sidewalks are great for when you only want to feel like George Jetson for 10 seconds before you’re back to Fred Flintstone.

A man accidentally made eye contact with me on the train, so I left my shoe behind.

And now, we wait…

Is there a Twitter acronym for “Ur screenshot tweet is really funny, but my anxiety about ur phone battery % prevents me from enjoying it”?

Mad that at the end of BatB (Beauty and the Beast) the breaking of the spell turns all the furniture back into the Beast Prince’s staff and they all just continue to work there??? Buddy you’ve been a wardrobe for so many years why don’t you go and be free

Date: Cat-callers disgust me.

Me: [hastily returning phone to pocket] Oh haha yeah me too.

My cat: *at home by the phone worried sick*

[face to face with a serial killer]

Me: So this is how it ends.

SK: Kill you? In this economy? I just needed to borrow a cup of sugar.

I don’t get it. EVERYTHING we do is for money. Why does society condemn it for sex? DAD: Um, okay. Maybe someone ELSE wants to say grace?

It’s comical when I lean back in my chair only to realize it’s a stool.

My monster costume for Halloween’s just going to be whispering, “better hope it’s not the poisoned one,” to kids when I hand out candy.

GOD: YOU ARE BANISHED FOR EATING THE FORBIDDEN FRUIT

Adam: sorry, Eve told me to!

Eve: i didn’t say “apple” i asked you to eat my a–

GOD: THAT ALSO IS FORBIDDEN

I saw a statue of Cinderella today. I didn’t like it, but I found the plinth charming.

Wife: You should cut the grass.
Me: Yes, dear.
W: And, you really need to trim that bush.
M: *mumbles* Yeah, you too.
W: What?
M: Yes, dear.

Feed two birds with one scone?? Lol why would I give those dumb birds my tasty delicious scone? I’d sooner hit two birds with a rock or something than give them my lil treat

Dogs “play sneeze” to show they’re playing and not being aggressive.

What better way to break the ice with your next eHarmony date?

It’s getting harder and harder to watch teen shows and movies and not side with the parents

Me: Forgive me father for I have sinned

Dad: [sighing as he reviews my math homework] it’s sined and you should’ve used tangent

once again my favorite hobby, lunging at people in parking garages, has landed me in hot water

There is no amount of money I wouldn’t pay for a remote control that could walk itself over to me from the other side of the room.

It never fricken fails; I wash my car, and the very next day, I hit a pedestrian.

WIFE: you can’t just deep-fry everything
ME: what do you mean?
WIFE: I mean put down the cat

My personal trainer and my marriage counselor have vastly differing opinions on how many “cheat days” I am allowed each month.

Judge: So, you don’t know how the victims blood got in your car?

Clown: In my defense Your Honor, there were 46 other passengers in the car

You had me at “she’s the one,” but lost me at “officer.”

[phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u?
ME: Well…u know that shop where u saw that ring you love
W: OMG YES
M: I’m catching Pokemon near there