Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Surely these children should be in bed by now?

– me, anytime after 4pm

Just now realizing my Girl Scout cookie purchase was 370 boxes too low

I hate feeling like I’m racing against someone in a grocery store aisle. Like aren’t we grownups here? Anyway, I won.

movies gotta warn me if they’re a part 1, before i’m in the theater. I just got jump scared by “to be continued” screens twice in one week (Fast X and Spiderverse).

i’m a 37 year old man and and i need emotional closure in my movies, i don’t have time to be cliffhanged

My husband thinks it’s really weird I only like green bananas and I think it’s really weird I have a husband.

Twitter is composed of all the kids who used to giggle in sex ed

“Strap in ladies, it’s going to be a bumpy ride,” I say as I put on my extra supportive sports bra before my workout.

Hey teachers, stop giving my kids homework that includes stuff for me to do. I HAVE ALREADY GRADUATED.

Sincerely, every parent everywhere.

The toughest part of any long distance relationship is the 6 hour drive to slash their tires.

4: I wanna watch Sing 2!

hubs: you’ve watched that a thousand times.

4: not today.

[Rock Paper Scissors Best of 7 Championship]

*down 3 games to 0 against Edward Scissorhands*

MY COACH: Stop choosing paper!

ME: Wow I have to print this document right now
PRINTER: Like, right right now?

Made the decision that I’m done having kids. Yet every morning I wake up and there they are asking me for breakfast.

Does the smell of burnt hot dogs and sour bologna turn you on? If so, I work with a guy that I’d like you to meet.

What i said : I really like this song

What i meant : Shut your face for the next few minutes

I made a joke about how sweet it is that twenty men I don’t know dm me to ask me how I’m doing and this old dude commented “only 20? Out of 33k?” And like damn that hurt. The rest of you 32,980 better pony up or this old dude is gonna know I’m not sexy 😭

When you offer me cookies, act surprised when I take one. Declare loudly you’ve never seen me eat dessert before.

parents nowadays: video games are too violent

parents from history times: c’mon kids, let’s go down to the colosseum to watch a murder!

I texted 8 on his iPad and asked him to call me and he said “I don’t have app for that” and I said USE A PHONE and he said “oh” and this is who’s supposed to take care me me when I’m old.

I’ll make sure my house is clean when you first come over to visit

But after that I don’t care because you’ve seen it clean once

Me: There’s a cold spot I think it’s a ghost

Her: You’re standing in front of the open refrigerator

Me: OUR REFRIGERATOR IS HAUNTED?!

Him: The will states that all of the deceased’s debts are bequeathed to the ‘ugly’ son. Who is that?

Me: I’m an only child.

well, my kid accomplished at least one of the two reminders she gave Alexa last night

If Alexa is really “watching” everything I do, then why doesn’t she help a sister out and block her credit card after 10pm?!?!

This flower shop also sells shirts at the front counter but the display is so large that you can’t see the florist for the T’s.

My Dr. told me about a new med he wanted me to try and offered that there are some sexual side effects to which I replied “yeah I don’t do that!” instead of nodding quietly like a normal human.

A coworker is being a jerk to me because I microwaved some seafood in the break room so to get back at them I’m going to microwave some seafood in the break room.

PITCHER: *throws a ball*
UMPIRE: Ball four. Walk!
AUDIENCE (who are dogs): *goes apeshit*

The Macarena began playing through the dental office speakers as I lied helpless with the hygienist’s hands in my mouth today. #survivor

please stop describing the Holy Infant Baby Jesus as “tender and mild.” that’s how you describe a hot wing.