“Why put a baseball bat up when you can just lay it down on a stair in the middle of the stairway? What could go wrong?”
~My son apparently
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my anti-aging skincare regime consists of a plan to eventually get bitten by a vampire
My neighbor is mowing his lawn.
There is snow on the ground.
[locks doors]
My leg-lengthening surgery was a success, but I accidentally spent the last three months turning the screws the wrong way, and now I’m 3’ 4”.
The /r/ubiquiti subreddit has been going back and forth the last few days on who can make the shortest ethernet cable and it’s been seriously cracking me up.
Me: how d’ya like them apples?
Dr: *hisses and retreats into the shadows*
LAZINESS LEVEL: PRO!
#NationalLazyDay
I show extra confidence at a job interview by giving a firm handshake before and after every question.
Ranch ice cream is why we can’t have nice things
Britain be like
Her: I like guys that are confident
Me *looking her square in the eye* worcestershire
No one judges you harder than a dental receptionist when you don’t know if you’ll be free at 2pm on a random Tuesday, in six months time.
Someone needs to break it to my cat that she is not a security guard and my bathroom is not a VIP section.
[football game]
*ref throws flag*
Ref: *zebra noises*
Players: What?
Coaches: What?
Fans: What?
Zebra at home: *nodding* Good call good call
[me giving tour of city landmarks]
and on your left you’ll see a corgi in a bandana—he’s not part of the tour but let’s go get a closer look
Don’t worry, protagonist. I’m sure your ridiculously specific amnesia has nothing to do with the missing member of the royal family who is exactly your age.
Please bear with my nonsense…
…I’ve been in a very dork place lately.
ME: No, no, no! I’m not saying they necessarily DID exist at the same time! What I’m saying is, IF they did, then Captain Hook and Scar from Lion King WOULD’VE been best friends!
MY CAT: *meow*
ME: Delusional how?
Gym employee: -and here’s your membership card.
Me: So we fight here?
GE: What?
Me: I fight you and get your gym’s badge. So you want me to defeat you in your office or-
GE: Oh, ha! I think you might be confused (turns baseball cap around) for it is you who will taste defeat
used the phrase “it’s actually a secret third thing” in response to a question from my dissertation committee yesterday and nobody laughed, rip
you’d think someone who calls themselves a rat-catcher by trade would be more prepared for having a rat thrown at them, just goes to show people aren’t always who they say they are.
{during sex}
him: i’m sorry, did you just say “faster, papa smurf”
I’m surprised carving faces into vegetables after pulling out their innards isn’t incorporated into more American Holidays.
A step-by-step guide on how to not finish anything.
Step One: Have kids.
oh to be a capybara in an open air bath with an orange on its head
“I’m Sorry”
And
“My Bad”Mean The Same Thing.
Unless You’re At A Funeral.
[at Starbucks]
Barista: Coffee?
Me: Yes, a medium please
Coffee: I’m strongly sensing the presence of your great grand aunt Lucille
Got a phone call and the caller ID said NYC Human. That sure narrows down the list of who it can be doesn’t it?