“Why put a baseball bat up when you can just lay it down on a stair in the middle of the stairway? What could go wrong?”
~My son apparently
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Bank robber: This is a robbery! Nobody do anything stupid!
My wife slowly turns to face me and mouths: You are gonna die
I love that we have computers and the Internet now, it’s much easier to publish a study, I just published one about bacon being a super food with all the vitamins and nutrients as kale but much better tasting.
doctor: you fell 5 feet and hit your head. you might have some brain damage
me: did i break my legs?
doctor: it was only 5 feet
me: and they’re ALL broken?!
20: sometimes you see someone so basic you just know they listen to the Beatles
Me: hey!
20: oh it’s okay for you to listen to the Beatles. You’re old
Instead of looking for things that divide you look for things that bring you together, like the way you all look for things that divide you.
In a parallel universe nobody can park.
My doctor just used a tongue depressor on me so I’m going out for ice cream to cheer the little guy up.
Me pretending to be shocked when they announced my boss got fired this morning like I didn’t interview for her position last week.
Imagine us having sex..
Wrong, more lasagna.
Son #1: How long have we owned this house?
Me: You mean how long have I owned this house.
S1: No, we share it, right?
Me: [Using my Mufasa voice] Look around you, son. Everything the light touches … belongs to me.
me: how did you get ink all over your skirt?
wife: oh umm, the printer at work exploded
dave the squid: [in the closet] just tell him about us
[sees a woman eating pizza on the hiking trail]
Me: hi I think we were separated at birth
them: you look just like a friend of mine
me: she sounds really pretty
I apparently said “keratin” instead of “ketamine” when discussing treatment options with my psychiatrist, so the bad news is that I remain a terminal depressive, but wow, my frizz is really well controlled.
who called them sea lions and not soggy doggies
If you ever wondered how long it takes for an over-heated microwave burrito to cool off, the answer is 37 days.
When your child makes a full inventory of their Halloween take so they can tell if they are being robbed by a family member.
Have I done my taxes? No. Have I sent myself an email with the subject line “DO TAXES”? Yes, and that is half the battle.
To the girl who said I should get off twitter and pay attention to my children, I want you to know I’m ignoring my husband, too.
A case of yoo-hoos, canned spaghetti and xanax. I’m like a 6 year old with anxiety and a driver’s license.
you can be anything when you grow up. For instance i am very tired
“Is it better to be feared, or to be loved?” Cats chose both, and they’re doing fine
[First Date]
Me: So, Construction?
Him: Yeah
M: You nail stuff? With your big hammer?
H:
M: Like to screw?
H:
M: Hey! Where are you going?
What idiot called it “ectoplasm” and not 🎵JELLO FROM THE OTHER SIDE
Selfies are just sad reminders that you have no friends willing to take pictures of your face and cleavage.
“For my next illusion” the magician announces: “Free will!” Everyone starts clapping but they don’t know why
*looking in The Mirror of Erised*
Harry Potter: *sees his dead parents that he’s never met*
Ron Weasley: *sees a Taco Bell opening in Diagon Alley*
Me to my dog: Stop barking now.
My dog: BUT EVERYTHING IS A FOX!
Me: It’s ok.
Dog: I WILL PROTECT YOU, IDIOT!
Walked into the donut shop in my ski mask and the cashier started to empty the register into a bag, I had to stop her and tell her I just wanted all the donuts.